E-RANTS AND INSIGHTS

DVF is a GENIUS!!

2011-09-17T10:44:00.004-04:00

Remember that scene in "The Color Purple" movie, where teenage Celie is creeping around the mean White man's store stalking baby Olivia with her new Mommy (the preacher's wife) like a slave on the Underground Railroad???

(wait...that doesn't make sense...anyway...)

I found myself doing that at Bloomingdale's yesterday!

Once again, I have given my heart to an inanimate object that I couldn't afford in Afterlife. She is BEAUTIFUL! She is EXOTIC! She also doesn't go with ANYTHING I own (its mustard yellow ostrich leather with olive green accents).

Ladies and gents, I introduce to you, the DVF Harper Connect Leather Daybag:

Sleek.

Contemporary.

With a HUGE tassel that makes life worth living!

I've had mental fantasies about this beautiful Diane Von Furstenberg bag for days now. I loved the design alone but when I found out that the back of the purse unsnaps to reveal a holder for your iPad, everything went to a new level of emotional attachment. I don't even have an iPad!

So you can imagine how my heart sank when I saw this chick pick up my purse and take it with her to another section. I followed that heifer like a FBI agent! When I caught myself peering around a pillar (as did this kid in a stroller), I thought to myself "This is how Celie felt in that store!" Only, the purse (technically) wasn't mine, and the little baby staring at me (technically) isn't a racist store owner.

Technically.

Louis Vuitton is that Black Crack

2011-09-15T00:31:00.002-04:00

Black people are ruining Louis Vuitton for me.

I am so irritated by the amount of LV goods I come across on a daily basis. In some instances (like living in NYC/NJ) public transportation is not a sign of low-income. But in many cases (like living in NYC/NJ) some forms of public transportation are definitely a sign of low-income. I am a part of the latter, so when I see a chick getting on the bus with a Louis Vuitton in her left hand, and a bus pass in her right, I involuntarily roll my eyes.

If you have a bus pass, a bad perm, or crusty-looking kids, I need for you to get your priorities in order. I don't care if its real, fake, or stolen I don't want to see Louis Vuitton on the bus or on the train. All you chicks who do that look stupid as hell. I don't want to see it in the arms of someone with ashy ankles, many designer labels and no style wearing sunglasses inside with no savings account. I am over all of you.

And I know what some of you think that I honestly don't understand that luxury goods are aspirational for low and middle income people. You think that I don't know that in a life where many trappings are denied or clearly out of reach, its one of the few things to make the have-nots feel like they have.

Save the speech.

I (still) don't give a damn.

I am also very grateful that, other than Kanye West, LV doesn't use Black people in their advertisements. (Thank you!) I don't even want to think about what dumb shit I'd witness if they actually encouraged this.

Here's my opinion: If you carry a Louis Vuitton bag, you better not carry any debt (and have an appreciating asset or two!). Like ANY. You better not owe June Bug, Cousin ReRe, or Uncle Sam. And if it was a gift, the person that got it for you better be debt-free too! Like NO DEBT.

Several of you are going to feel the need to play Devil's advocate in defense of something or someone after you read this. I promise you, you will change nothing over here. This has built up over the years and I have hit a breaking point. I care nothing for theoretical scenarios, political correctness, and cultural sensitivity. This shit needs to stop. Go to Nine West and call it a day.

Pitch Black Thoughts in Hurricane Rain

2011-08-28T01:21:00.001-04:00

I used to revel in silence. Let my subconscious thoughts force my conscious ones to subside. Flesh out snapshot ideas and observe as they formed, and grew arms, heads, and tails—taking on a life of their own. It was a private form of entertainment exclusive to me, by me. I notice over time that as Life moves, and things within me die, it gets harder to find that place of wonder and trivial engagement. I admire the quirks. The inexplicables. The clever-but-not-reallys. The I don’t know and won’t pretend that I do to make you feel like someone is driving this thing.

I like to speak in metaphors that only I understand.

I enjoy things that are exclusive to my inarticulate understanding.

I’m okay with being impressed with the word you used that I don’t understand and not needing to look it up.

I don’t need to know how everything works.

Sometimes, I just want to go into my mind and engage the many geneses of future good ideas and regrets.

Arms, heads, tails, and all...

New Year, New Hair...

2011-01-11T12:19:00.009-05:00

Happy 2011!

(I'm before the half-point of the month, so it still counts.)

I really enjoi'd myself this New Year's! It was low key. It was calming. It was somewhat isolated. It was FANTASTIC!

I'm actually pumped about 2011 because I feel like I'm getting closer to something. Something good. Something that was worth waiting for. In my mind, I'm hoping it's a great job or internship in my industry, my first trip out of the country, and a MBA degree!

I'm pumped:-)

Maybe it was the anticipation of all of these things to come that had me do what I did yesterday.

Maybe it was solely a case of piqued curiosity combined with boredom.

Either way, after 11 years of natural hair I put a chemical in it. I texturized it. It was free, they were trusted professionals, and I was down.

And so is my hair.

I'm not going to lie, I lost it for a moment. I didn't cry or anything. I didn't even have that urge. It was more like a 3-hour episode of WTF panic. Not to mention I was nursing soon-to-be-ass-kicking menstrual cramps around the same time.

I was a mess.

I treated my new hair the same way I treat new people: Until I like you, I don't.

I was very stand-offish. I didn't know this hair. The texture and curls were unfamiliar and I hadn't decided if I liked it or not. Because like I said before, until I do I don't (I accept every percent of latent super b*tch that position holds.)

What was more shocking than the results of this process, were the reactions I got from folks I informed beforehand. Apparently, some people have a strong attachment to MY hair. It represents something for them. What? I don't know. But there were somewhat hostile reactions. As if I was doing something to THEM by changing it, lol. I am allowed to think that's weird, right?

When I grew out my perm it wasn't for holistic reasons. I didn't like my hairdresser (I had been going to her since childhood) and didn't have my driver's license yet (or the real interest) to shop around to replace her. So I rebelled. The only way to get rid of her was to not need her, so I grew my relaxer out. Then it turned into this expression of afrocentric self-love. This was in 1998.

There wasn't much information about how to do it because it wasn't popular. I didn't want to loc my hair (although I considered it), I just wanted it to be healthy. After much social resistance from my high school peers, the shock factor of my new hair wore off and some of those trifling skanks even started trying to copy it. After I did it, my homegirl Shavon did. We were close homies anyway and were the only two natural in the whole school. I remember rocking the old school cornrows and beads and one of the football players thought it was so hot that he had someone do his for homecoming, lol. I did the two-stranded twists, bantu knots, straw sets, I even dyed it "Annie Red-Orange" and then magenta after that. I've had it straightened numerous times as well as cut. I was all into experimenting with my hair and it was fun.

But after a while it got old. I had found my rhythm and it didn't require much labor to make my hair look decent if I wanted it to. So I inevitably got bored. And lazy. Almost to the point that I wasn't interested in doing it at all (I've had several experiences where my hair was one big dread loc)! So by 2010, all my earlier sentimental attachments to my hair were long gone. People have grown to love and appreciate it over these years, which is great. But my hair was just one more thing I had to bother with on a semi-daily basis. It still is. I just wanted to interested in it again.

At this point, it is what it is.

I don't love it.

I don't hate it.

It's just there.

Oh well...

Here's to new beginnings!

'Tis the Season of Messed up Music

2010-12-07T18:08:00.008-05:00

It's Christmas time folks!

And while I'm definitely being a Scrooge about it for the 3rd year in a row *fist pump*, I've been oddly attentive to holiday music for some reason. Like when I heard Michael Jackson singing "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", I believed him. So I put myself in his shoes and it wasn't cool. Do you realize how psychologically damaging that is?? While wrapping gifts to a Christmas compilation cd Aunt Wimphrey has, I heard the "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" song. Its definitely not my first time hearing it, but for some reason I was disturbed. I shook my head and muttered "Only White people would make song like this."

Which brings me to my point:

WHAT'S UP WITH ALL OF THIS SICK AND REALLY FUKKED UP CHRISTMAS MUSIC!?!

There are others. "I'll Be Home for Christmas" is sung by a bullshitter. You can't say I can count on you to be home for Christmas only to slip in "...if only in my dreams" at the end. WTF is that?? One of my favorites, "Last Christmas (I gave you my heart)" is a depressing ass breakup song. Who wants to be caught up in a low point during an alleged happy time of year??? I'll tell you who. Me. But only when George Michael sings it. Why? Because he means it.

When I hear George Michael sing it, it sounds like that isht JUST happened in the parking lot before he sang it in the studio.

Listen to him...

Does he not sound like someone just punched him in the stomach???

As a George Michael fan, I always get worked up only to eventually say

"That whore!" (in my mind).

I like how authentic it sounds.

But other folks sing it like it's a happy song...like this perky b*itch:

Can't you hear her smiling???

You can't SMILE singing a song like this!

Apparently, the only person who knows this is George Michael...

and me:-)

Dumbassedness Doom

2010-11-30T23:00:00.018-05:00

I'm no stranger to idiotic commentary.

I am extremely capable of saying some of the dumbest shit you've heard since your last migraine, and the sincerity behind my words will make you lower your head in embarrassment (for my parents). Although I've gotten lightyears better, I was the queen of saying things without thinking. The running joke for YEARS was that I had blonde roots. (YEARS, I tell ya!)

That said...

You can imagine how I felt during this text message exchange with my classmate, Brooke. Brooke is from Columbus, Mississippi. I'm trying not to make that mean anything (but sometimes I relapse and assume her father is also her uncle). Brooke is also 50% of the dumbass duo that seems determined to send our marketing group project straight to remedial hell.

Her: "Did you get my email?"

Me: "No. I'll check now."

Her: "Its in school email."

(Really? I was going straight to the Yahoo account I never gave you...)

Me: "There's no attachment"

Her: "No attachment. Are you sure?"

Me: "Very."

Her: "Do you have a regular email address?"

(You mean the one you indirectly referred to earlier that you never had in the first place??)

Me: "Yes. (ID)@gmail "

Her: ".com?"

I didn't even reply. I just yelled at my phone for letting that text message be shown. And then I bowed my head in prayer over the 30% of my grade that Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are clearly trying to sabotage.

When I'm the smartest one in the group, EVERYONE is in trouble.

Everyone.

My Pippi Longstocking Shit

2010-11-21T20:57:00.021-05:00

This is probably going to sound really bad, but I'm okay with that.

Let me tell you,

I'm OVER the Cinderella isht right about now.

DONE!

Maybe I sound embittered. Maybe cynical. Maybe deflated.

All of that could be true, but I am over all of the "Some day my prince will come" remixes. Prince Charming could knock on my door right now and I would look that sucka MC up and down like "What the fukk do YOU want??"

Where did this come from?

Several things.

But the straw that broke the camel's back?

Eva Longoria's failed marriage.

If little miss perfect (who I don't relate to at all) can't get a happily ever after,

I for sure ain't believing it exists.

Even if it does, I ain't interested. Not now.

I know all men aren't horrible (although I could make a pretty strong case for the majority). But right now? I honestly don't think men are worth it. There is nothing I think they have to offer me that I actually need at this juncture in my life. Absolutely nothing. And I know this phase will pass like all the others, but for right now I'm content.

I'm on what I like to call my Pippi Longstocking shit.

No man came riding in to save Pippi. She had her own horse. And a monkey. Some pirate treasure in the attic. A few super powers. Some homies (Tommy and Anika). And no Daddy issues (except for the fact that he was lost at sea and she hadn't seen him in a while). She lived in her own world and did whatever the hell she wanted...no matter how unconventional it was.

Now Pippi Longstocking was a child (I get that).

And Cinderella at least had her period (I saw those boobs).

So technically, I'm much closer to Cinderella

(only in menstruation...no cleavage in these cups!).

No matter.

I'm on my Pippi Longstocking shit.

And if he ain't my homie, he can kick rocks.

(For now anyway.)

Cinderella better get a damn job or a degree...

because from where I sit,

"Happily Ever After" ain't all the brochure says it is.

ESPECIALLY, if she's banking on Prince Charming to take her there...

White People Appreciation Week

2010-07-28T14:16:00.013-04:00

White People Appreciation Week was a Facebook success!

Some of you may wonder what I'm talking about because, really,

WHO THE HELL APPRECIATES WHITE PEOPLE???

I do!

Not in the Uncle Ruckus butt-crack licking way,

...but in a "Wouldn't be me!" kind of way.

Think about it:

When do White people ever get credit for things?

I'll tell you how this all started...

Last week, I chanced upon an episode of "Monster Fish" on National Geographic. It's a show about this guy who goes all over to find ridiculously large fish. In other words, it's yet another way to watch White people do things only White people really do. I'm not saying other races can't or won't, it's just that White people seem to dominate certain activities in a way that only they can. So as I'm watching this man basically being attacked by flying carp, it suddenly dawned on me that if it weren't for his Whiteness, I might not be able to witness this happening. So I appreciated him.

Why? I'll tell you. Because frankly, I don't give a damn. Plain and simple. I don't give a damn about big ol' fish, I don't give a damn about space and aliens, I don't give a damn about the last known species of tropical whatever in the rain forest no longer existing. Granted, I have a passive curiosity that has me watch shows on National Geographic and Discovery but you won't find me rolling down the Amazon river anytime soon. And I don't need to. Why? Because White people will, they do, and they LOVE it! Watching this guy on TV, I couldn't think of anyone I knew (of color) that would possibly be where he was, doing what he was doing. So I chalked it up to Whiteness. White people are very necessary because there are things brown and yellow folks are not inclined to do. And because White people naturally gravitate towards certain things, none of us have to (unless we voluntarily decide to check it out).

Thus, "White People Appreciation Week" was born and the rest is history.

(On Facebook anyway.)

Here's a recap of the week's events:

MONDAY: This day was kind of a dud. I just got the idea so technically there are only 4 days to White People Appreciation Week. Bootleg, I know. Don't judge me.

TUESDAY:

WHITE PEOPLE APPRECIATION WEEK (Day 2): "Their Sense of Adventure". As I see it, White people love to live on the edge. They don't mind extreme sports, climbing ginormous mountains, hitchhiking cross-country, and getting really drunk around large bodies of water. Today, I celebrate White people's sense of adventure because they let the rest of us see what is humanly possible and what will kill your ass.

WEDNESDAY:

WHITE PEOPLE APPRECIATION WEEK (Day 3): "Their Need to Know". They will find legal documents to validate income & assets. Out of control? White people WILL get a medical diagnosis. So today, I celebrate White people's need to know because they have not only outed the posers who tried to ruin my Real Housewives franchise, but their advancement of medicine has given us fab 'conditions' to avoid personal responsibility.

THURSDAY:

WHITE PEOPLE APPRECIATION WEEK (Day 4): "Their Passion for the Cause". Never mess with a White person deep in a cause-- they will swing on your ass. Sometimes absent of religion or culture, they'll quit their job to save animals, help Africa, or go green. So today, I appreciate White people's passion for causes because they highlight that thin line between what brings media awareness and what will send you to jail.

FRIDAY:

WHITE PEOPLE APPRECIATION WEEK (Day 5): "They're Okay with Being the Bad Guy" Would you pay money to see a show where your race is the villain? White people do! A Black time period performance set before 1980 (sans a 'White Savior') isn't going to be a good look for them, yet White people go! But I appreciate it b/c they not only help keep Black thespians employed, they give me something to marvel at during intermission:-)

So there you have it folks. The first ever 'White People Appreciation Week'. Greeting cards and magnets coming in 20-something to a store near you!

Hospital Horror

2010-07-17T09:59:00.014-04:00

I hate hospitals.

(I hate them even more when when people I know are in them.)

I joined my father as he went to visit one of the many father figures he had growing up, Uncle Boxy. Walking down the corridors, I got this weird chill. The last time I was in a hospital, I was with my ex going to get some free grub from the cafeteria (he worked there and so did the RN he cheated with). The time before that, I believe I was waking up from surgery. The time before that, I witnessed my Nana die in my hand. As you can see, my hospital memory inventory is not the greatest. I feel like you only go there if something is wrong. And it seems like they make the hallway decor as dingy and depressing as possible to prepare you for the wrongness you are about to experience.

I think what makes me most uncomfortable is the image distortion. As soon as you cross the threshold of the room, you are forced to have your last memory of the person you're visiting disrupted. Somehow, as your mind grapples with the reality before you, you have to muster up a smile and say "Hey!" as if you're at their house for dinner. I'm never quite prepared for it. (EVER.)

Uncle Boxy and I weren't super close but we were cool, you know?

My last memory of him was living and loving life with some brown alcoholic beverage in-hand in the basement. Now I was seeing him in a hospital gown with tubes in his nose, bruises on his face, and an inability to sit up or clear his throat on his own to speak audibly. It made me emotional and I didn't want to cry but the image fukks with my sense of justice. My go-to of "It's not fair!" was silently screaming and I stuffed it down as far as I could. I never let a single tear fall, but I was screaming though.

Perhaps it will take a happy occasion to rid me of this soured relationship with hospitals. Good things DO happen there although they don't always seem pretty. People get fixed, lives are saved, babies are born. The idea of childbirth doesn't exactly turn me on, but maybe that's the occasion to break the spell?

Or maybe I'll just have to learn to accept Life as it happens...

...and not just the happy parts.

(R.I.P. Roland "Boxy" Ingram. 10/2/1931- 7/24/2010)

It's All GOOD!!

2010-06-16T11:31:00.013-04:00

I'm a slacker.

What else is there to say? I haven't posted since February and it isn't like I have a shortage of things to write about. Seriously! I've relocated to a different state, turned one year older, am developing new relationships with old family and friends, entered and exited a romantic relationship, finished a year of grad school with a 3.2 GPA, and have a trunkload of experiences all throughout these happenings. On occasion I even think to myself, "Hmmm...I should blog something."

But alas, nothing.

I've explained my creative writing process before. Randomly, I'll get an idea/subject/insight that comes to my warped mind and stays around long enough to be mulled over. With time, the concept develops and gains weight. Eventually, it'll be heavy enough to write and voila! a new blog post is born. So what happens when Life happens so quickly that you don't get the opportunity to develop anything?? I'll tell you what happens-- THIS. Nada.

Nonetheless, things have slowed enough for me to at least tell you this:

(in regards to my present welfare)

Life is good in my new home. Change is constant. Survival strategies are afoot. Love is abundant. Questions are being answered. Directions are unfolding. Lessons are being learned. God is AWESOME.

Negroes/Coloreds/Black Folks Who Get it RIGHT

2010-02-05T09:10:00.028-05:00

It's Black History Month!

Is it just me, or does this lose significance every year? Or maybe it feels like it since I'm so far removed from the days where my classmates and I had to dress up like Rosa Parks, Oprah, and MLK Jr. and write book reports/speeches on them. Some of my friends haven't lost that spirit. Two years ago, one of my fantastic femme amigas donned a Harriet Tubman outfit for Halloween. Pure genius. Maybe I should find something to wear to reconnect me to this time I used to look forward to.

Hmm

mmm.....

You know, Black folks can get it so wrong sometimes. Wrong to the point of shame. I can't think of three things my generation of Negroes (yes, I said negroes) has produced that carries the torch. I mean, we have Beyonce. She counts, right? (HA!) But really...between VH1 reality shows, MTV and BET we don't seem to get it right too often. Shoot, you can get real-life examples without having to touch the remote control. While media isn't the only reference for all things Black, I believe visibility is important. With all of this 'negative' representation, I think it's time to shed some light on real-life examples I have of "Negroes Who Get it Right".

MY LIST OF "NEGROES WHO GET IT RIGHT":

1. Black Marriage (The Old School Loving Edition)- While there are times where you just KNOW one of them has considered hitting the delete button on the other, they honor their vows and stick it out. They gave us The Spinners, Roberta Flack, Anita Baker, Luther Vandross and even Force MD's love songs. And while the divorce option remains, they are serious about "Til Death Do Us Part". Shouts out to the Parental Unit, JB & Kim, Cousin Wayne & Nina, Babies Mama & Daddy #1, Babies Mama & Daddy #2, The Currys, The Halls, The Bickhams, Shelley Lisa & Bluh, Dena and Ed, The Holmes, Sonia & Wayne, and (if I forgot you, add yourself here).

2. Black Marriage (Leaders of the New School)- Who says

my generation doesn't marry??? Bull. We do and we will continue to. While I have several homies who have walked down the aisle, my most proud one to date is "My Rock" (because he holds me down!), Eddie Ford. He's already a great guy but he put a ring on it traditionally, and that makes a big impression on me because it's evidence that the younger folks can do it. I have to shout out Mrs. Ford for those dope ass wedding invitations, AND it was a helluva wedding too. They even have a blog they BOTH continue to update after the wedding. Too cute!

3. The Obamas- Not for the politics, fashion sense, or charisma. But for the worldwide visualization of Black family that counters other images that have been introduced. Everyone doesn't grow up like Precious.

4. My Hometeam (of professionals)- I have a straight up arsenal of professionals who double as homies that I didn't realize until last year. Smart as sh*t folks who were once college students and could now be cast in movies we would watch like "The Best Man". It's crazy!

5. Black Enterprise magazine- Let me tell you, I subscribe but I don't read every page. I do, however, like to LOOK at every page because it's inspiring to see so many people from all over the country doing the damn thing! We've got entertainers and athletes for DAYS, I appreciate the spotlight shift.

6. Pastor Marlin D. Harris-

Most of you haven't heard of him but he's the pastor of the church I attend. He isn't very big on self-promotion (which I love). So much so, that after 3 months of attendance, I had the hardest time recalling his name (tack on 2 more months to learn who his wife was)-- you know how Black churches LOVE their "Passas" and 1st Ladies! After college, I really struggled with my Christian faith. Going through 4 years of being taught how to think and process information, the things I believed as a child now ended with question marks. I got resigned that any of my questions could be answered and felt no matter where I went on Sunday, I was looking at either a crook or an idiot in the pulpit. Now? I feel like I grow 2 inches taller after I leave church on Sunday. He's a great teacher and I've grown tremendously in the year I've attended his church. Not every church is predicated in messages of genie-Jesus prosperity, superfluous pageantry, and insincere theatrics. I've got proof:-)

7. Good Parents- Although I continuously raise eyebrows at her (more on this later), my Moooooms!/Moo Mah/Mommy/Ma/Mom is the f'ing bomb. It's indisputable. She's the mother hen that no one can deny. Growing up, she was the disciplinarian. Pops was the enforcer. She was the Christian root. Pops was the supportive advocate. They truly were/are a team. And although none of their kids are perfect, I say they did the damn thing in having us all turn out. They really did their job. I have modern-day mirrors of her in my Babies Mamas 1 & 2, Shelley Lisa, Erin B., and Juel (packaged with supportive husbands!) that make me so damn proud. (Craigory too!)

Shouts out to all of you for real!

* Give Us the GAME!*

2010-01-14T22:55:00.008-05:00

For quite a few years now, I have unconsciously held the notion that there is a secret society of White people who have the winning formulas for all things of sustainable importance on lock.

(I still quietly believe it,

I'm just conscious of it now.)

To me, many of them do things "the right way". Hell, they're the ones who got to decide what was normal/moral/just anyway. (Note: I did not say ALL. I shop at Walmart too and share aisles with many of their downfalls.) They know how to make it do what it do when it comes to important things (keep in mind "important" is completely subjective to my swirly mind). Right now, "important" to me is career, business, money and education. I have a suspiscion that they are being super stingy and unless folks of color grew up rubbing elbows with them, we're left to figure that isht out on our own.

That is all for now....

just know that I'm watching.

(...with blatant suspicion and hostility.)

Junkie Tales

2010-01-12T00:00:00.015-05:00

Happy 2010!

Okay I'm a couple weeks late but it's still fun to say,

so cheers until I get tired of it:-)

So much has happened. So many insights in such a small quantity of time. And I'm not going through them in great detail but here are some bullet points:

Moving up north for new opportunities (Fashion Week and NY cheese pizza here I come!)
Business is incorporated (Uncle Sam is officially on the "Stacks Watch" list)
Got a B in my first MBA class (Oddly, I feel sort of adult. In that informed, scary 401k/retirement plan way. Blame CNBC and Fox Business...I sure as hell do.)
Finally reached "Over it!" and couldn't be happier
All this while rubbing pennies together in an economic recession! (Sexy!)

2010 is going to be a hot one!

I can smell the grease burning!

(Now, let's talk about why I REALLY blogged...)

Today I felt like pretty much any Black music artist on the decline from the 40's-70's-- I needed a hit. I needed a hit BAD. And I'm not talking about the Billboard charts either. I mean the kind that makes folks drop lap dogs out of windows. M&Ms, Twix, Snickers, Kit Kat, Reese's, SOMETHING. I'm in the process of putting my addiction to junk food in check and I'm having the shakes.

In loving support of the habit, someone actually placed a piece of high-end chocolate in the palm of my quivering hand. It was such a pretty gold wrapper. Creased perfectly for a pleasure opening---just like when Charlie found the golden ticket. I folded back one of the lips and just smelled it. I sniffed and smiled, sniffed and smiled again until I felt eyeballs observing I was enjoying myself a little too much. I gave it away. Resentfully.

So here I am at 12:18am still thinking about that shiny chocolate square that smelled like delish. Remorseful. Longing. Really annoyed that I'm that addicted junk food. I quit meat many moons ago cold turkey. But this is different.

No... not really. This isn't different at all.

Same initial tortured soul experience.

Fat Girl is scheduled to arrive in about a week and she doesn't handle restrictions well. That and she's really mean and bossy. I don't know if I can make it...

It may not be worth the battle scars.

Chemistry Ain't Everything

2009-12-06T15:35:00.003-05:00

Until recently, I thought it was the Golden Ticket of dating. What I can now distinguish as "chemistry" is all I desired in dating for two reasons: 1. I wasn't seeking anything other than a "pleasant experience", and 2. Chemistry seemed so hard to come by. That's it! My purpose for dating was having a good time for a little while.

Well, I'm maturing a bit. I've always been about sustainment when it comes

to any type of long-term 'sacrificial' investment. At my age, dating has become just that-- a sacrifice. You sacrifice time, money, makeup, energy, emotion, etc. and sometimes it doesn't seem worth it. True to the late-blooming trend of my Life, contrary to many of my homegirls, I wasn't dating anyone to get married. I was totally okay with being the bridesmaid and never had any kind of envy or upset about it.

I've always wanted to be married and I think I'd be a good wife. But I never saw myself married until my mid-to-late 30's, so I never gave much thought about what it requires. Recently, (as in 3 weeks ago) I've become open to being married before 35 so those dynamics are much more interesting to me now than before.

I now realize that chemistry isn't enough when it comes to sustainability. Lasting relationships require Compatibility. Sounds simple, I know, but I honestly never looked at it.

Not only have I not considered Compatibility, but I haven't a clue what I want for myself-- how can I try to compare it to anyone else? What are my true values? (Not the ones I was raised to have or I feel like I should) What values do I want him to share? What are my negotiables? What are my non-negotiables? Smoking, Children, Religion, Money, Pets...I can go on and on about the married life I haven't given any serious thought to.

Being totally honest with you?

It turns my stomach to think about it all.

I get anxious,

overwhelmed,

then I start PANICKING.

It's a lot to chew on, you know?

It all seems so permanent when you list it out! What if what I think I want isn't what I want when I get it? I'll be stuck...and permanently pissed off.

Regardless of the emotional discomfort, I'll take it on.

Shit, do I really have a choice now that I have a dating purpose?

Oh well...

here goes nothing!

UPDATE: I did it!

2009-12-05T10:40:00.004-05:00

Just wanted to let you know that I did it!

Last night, I went with a homie to a low-key dance spot and danced allll night. It was PERFECT! I didn't pay attention to anyone the entire time. I just focused on connecting with the music and the sweat equity was extremely gratifying. The creative comeback has officially begun:-)

Background Hype

2009-12-03T10:22:00.009-05:00

After seeing Michael Jackson's "This is It" movie over the Thanksgiving holiday, I now know what my life is missing: Background Dancers. I realize that they could add a special spark to otherwise mundane daily tasks. Not only do they add flavor but they instantly make you cool. Can you imagine a life with your own personal background dancers? What if they'll pop-and-lock, gyrate, and spin on their noses to songs that YOU make up on the fly?

Pumping gas is no longer hum-drum with background dancers. They'll slide across the hood of the car, doing cool things that only dancers can as you two-step at the pump. Walking into Best Buy or Publix is now an event. You're either bad ass or the greatest thing ever with backup dancers-- you can't really lose. If you have to go somewhere you don't want to go, you'll have an automatic hype machine amping your attitude to where you can't wait to get there! Life is just one long ass music video! I think I should host auditions.

(I'm so effin' genius sometimes.)

Chasing Pirates

2009-12-02T16:48:00.005-05:00

So I've told you all about how I feel about Norah Jones before in Feb of '07. I like her, I just have to be in the mood for her, you know? Well, I'm digging her new album "The Fall". This song right here is great driving music for rainy days:

Embracing Beauties

2009-11-25T19:09:00.004-05:00

In an e-mail exchange with a dear homie of mine, I received this delicious nugget I just had to share.

"...I went for a walk yesterday, and I was so inspired by the scenery that I took a ton of pics along the way. There were some GORGEOUS trees with lovely fall colors....and in the middle of those, was ONE with no leaves. I thought, 'Why are THESE trees so beautiful and lush as they go through the changing season, and then THIS one is empty?'-- I looked around and noticed maybe one or two other 'empty' trees amidst full, colorful ones and thought, 'These trees are like people. How they respond differs based on what they're made up of. Those trees may be weak and shut down at the first sign of change, but those others embraced this changing season and decided to change with the times. Instead of mourning the green leaves and dying off, they turned gorgeous shades of red and yellow instead...still living...still beautiful. Just in a different way'."

Great analogy, right?

Something to chew on as you give thanks:-)

(photos courtesy of her Blackberry!)

A Dash of Creativity...Please?

2009-11-25T17:30:00.024-05:00

I used to think I was a very creative person (dammit).

But in the past three years? Nada. To be honest, I didn't even notice until recently. It isn't like my interests have changed all that much. I guess as I've aged/matured/hardened over time, I've deemed those happy places as useless and banished them to Never Never (Again) Land. I've conformed to the unwritten rules and formulas I've sought out in the pursuit of my happiness.

I've become obsessed with the bottom line. The blacks and whites. Hell, even my wardrobe is blah. My hair is blah. I used to be so easily entertained! To a certain degree that part of my personality has remained, however, I've worked really hard over the years to water myself down to a socially blend-able mush and it hasn't made me any more satisfied or accomplished. I thought sacrifice was the name of the game? Isn't that shit supposed to pay off at some point?

When do I get to collect?

I love laughing. Haven't done much of that lately either. I'm not sad or anything like that, I'm just...bored? Everything seems to exist on some sort of continuum and I'm just waiting for things to get interesting again.

I hate limits.

I hate restrictions.

And while in truth I'm only one perspective away from eradicating them, I hate sensing limits and restrictions. Especially when they don't lead to any type of reward or benefit. I hate feeling like I'm not making the best use of my time. I don't like it when what I'm doing now doesn't seem to forward something desirable later.

(Wow... do you see?? See what I mean? THAT right there is exactly what I'm talking about! Since when does everything need a purpose or an objective? I used to be really good at doing stuff for no reason! Queen of the Arbitrary and Trivial, indeed. Since when did everything become so f'ing IMPORTANT and DIRE!?)

I'm already thinking about 2010 and how I wish I could fast-forward to my next birthday, so I can meet the person I'll be then. I hope she's cool. I kind of want to just be 30 already because in my mind 30 is when the best of me begins. That's when I'm quietly hoping Life gets fun again.

Of course, I could start this tomorrow.

Being creative, that is.

I really do miss that part of me.

I need to dance. I haven't danced for no reason in a long time. Its kind of hard to dance carelessly when you're on a mission. That's it! That's what I'm going to do this weekend or next weekend! I'm going to go out and just dance and laugh like my Life depended on it.

Who knows?

In a way, it probably does.

"The Black Jesus Child"

2009-10-07T00:09:00.014-04:00

(Turn me into an 'Angry Black Woman' if you want but you'd be doing yourself a great disservice because...)

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Black community has a crisis on hand. No, it isn't AIDS. No, it isn't the number of children born out of wedlock. It's not education, class, or racism. No, it's much more common than that. It is an ongoing case of the "Black Jesus Child". Now, don't insult me-- I know the biblical Jesus was "Black". But this ain't about Him. As a matter of fact, this has nothing to do with religion at all.

There are two versions of the Black Jesus Child: he is either "Perfect and Ignored" or he's "Perfect and Adored". This particular post is for the "Perfect and Adored" Black Jesus Child (because the other form of entitlement takes me in a different direction that I don't feel like talking about right now).

You can find the Black Jesus Child pretty much any where in Black middle class America. He is very easy to find. He is the attractive single man with the legal job, no children, and (maybe) goes to church. He is well-groomed, well-spoken, well-educated, and well on his way to traditional means of security and success. Everyone loves him! He's well-versed on Hip Hop music and politics. His charisma is entrancing to most and he always manages to smell nice. The problem is that he knows all of this.

Mr. Wonderful has been taught and reminded of how rare he is in the Black community and the years of continuous praise has convinced him that his desirability is much greater than what his doting mother even tells him. To him, he is one of the few upholders of traditional values within the culture and the last of a dying breed. The problem with this is that he abuses this perception.

You see, when it comes to dating, Black women (and I do believe this outlook was inherited) have this paranoia of a mating scarcity. You'll hear them with the "There aren't many good men out there!" or "The good ones don't want Black women!" complaints all the time. In an article published several years ago, Essence magazine put out some numbers to confirm the frustration and then everybody REALLY got fukked up because now it was 'official' and true-- there was evidence! I have definitely had my share of dating duds so I can empathize with them at times, but I want to shed some light on the Black Jesus Child's role in this ongoing saga.

The Black Jesus Child is perfect (with forgivable flaws) in his eyes. This perfection is enforced by his circle of family, friends, co-workers and he embraces it fully. But it all goes wrong when he decides to don a crown for it. Let's just say even with the option of dating other races, he's only attracted to Black women. What does he do in dating?

He dangles his desirability in front of every woman who has earned his attention. He struts his accolades and accomplishments to every Black woman he assumes he would be an ideal mate for. And then what, you ask?

He rarely closes the deal.

He knows she is willing to commit but he's not willing to settle for her. Why not? Because (in his mind) he has the Black women of the world at his disposal and still enjoys the childhood game of "Na na na na, you can't catch me!"

Not only have I dated them and are friends with them, but I'm related to a few (who I'm hoping will retire soon). Time will tell. Things seem to sometimes change after they've burned enough bridges and they realize that hairline is starting to recede. But consider yourself warned and informed. Those tricky bastards often go undetected.

* The Fault of Facebook*

2009-09-21T23:27:00.007-04:00

Blame Facebook. Facebook is the culprit of my blogging drought. For those of you who are on Facebook, you know of the evils I speak. Although the site itself is composed of many bells & whistles to keep your attention and productivity captive for HOURS, there is one specific evil that I refer to as the 'culprit'-- those damn statuses!

You see, the way I typically blog is that I have a random thought. That same thought gets mulled over for about a week before its fattened enough to become worth typing. Once the process is complete, it gets put out into cyber space and officially out of my head. Well, the sucky thing about the Facebook status is that I don't ever have to develop a random thought or idea. In its infancy, a very trivial idea can be released into cyber space...never to be thought of again.

So there you have it. My justification/explanation/excuse for my absence.

Okay, so it's that AND I've been super busy with life, business, and the pursuit of happiness:-)

I'm slowly approaching an "Over it" phase with Facebook, so I'm sensing a return of sorts pretty soon.

All that to say, I haven't stopped blogging. Just got 'distracted' for a little:-)

P.S.- I miss you too!

* ....*

2009-09-13T00:07:00.001-04:00

Beatboxing Chick

2009-05-25T21:12:00.002-04:00

Betcha can't do it like she, lol!

Cute Girl Has Amazing Beat Box Skill

Cheers to the One

2009-05-25T00:32:00.004-04:00

We only get one. ONE.

One shot each month and that's it!

But THEM? Hundreds upon THOUSANDS of opportunities just sitting there on reserve. Any damn time of day.

So if you want to know why men are prone to many and women to just one?

THAT is the why.

The end.

It is the egg's job to exist as a selective part of procreation-- killing off any hopeful, attempt to get in and create a life-long situation. Why? Because that smart sucker knows how this show plays out and she's doing her best to have your back because if that ONE little bastard makes all the right moves, it's a WRAP (sound familiar?). Culturally, the ideal is that this happens in a two-person commitment (preferably the 'til death do us part kind.) but unless you've got it, you don't.

So what then?

I don't know.

But I recommend you pop in your favorite chick flick (the one that feeds you all the fantasy) and toast the bitch. Because you and I both know that happy ending dream ain't going NO WHERE.

*cheers*

Guess Who's Coming Over

2009-05-04T23:21:00.004-04:00

Did anyone get to see this?

The chances are super slim given that TLC only aired it for 2 days and barely mentions it on it's website. Anyhoo, it was really well-done. No temperamental "Kill Whitey!" hostile undertones. No "I'm gonna show them!" righteousness either. It was fair without being too sugar-coated. It was genuine. And I'm PISSED about how unseen this thing is going to be.

I sent this to the Discovery Channel a few minutes ago..

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While I applaud your efforts to bring this topic to your viewing audience, I am very disappointed with the lack of marketing done for it. According to my TiVo there is only one episode of this incredibly well-done and fair show. I understand that race is a touchy subject but you really dropped the ball on making this one episode impactful to a mass audience. I'm offended by the "blip on the radar" actions TLC/Discovery has made. You guys wouldn't even make the episode viral online! Unfortunately, TLC seems to follow an overkill formula. Trading Spaces is a hit? Let's do it 7 times a day for YEARS until people send Paige hate mail. Super large families make people feel all warm and fuzzy? Great, let's do it 3 different ways 70 times a week until birth control sales skyrocket! You all failed a really great opportunity to start a wonderful dialogue with a great approach. I am disappointed that even with the new change America is clearly ready for (as expressed in last year's presidential election), the corporate powers that be at your network resist it. Yes, you sent the commercial to the online Black communities so the NAACP can't send you angry letters, but you didn't make it known to your CORE AUDIENCE. You allowed people only two days to see it after you barely marketed it. THEN, you didn't allow anyone who missed this episode (I don't think I can call it a show given it apparently isn't a series) an opportunity to see it after Monday. Wake up. America IS ready.

(Bastards.)

Canine Salvation

2009-05-01T15:03:00.009-04:00

Do you know who this man is?

His name is Cesar Millan also known as The Dog Whisperer.

I call him The Canine Hesoos because he can turn a baby-eating pitbull into the ideal slipper-fetching family dog.

I wasn't raised with any kind of pets with fur. The Canine Hesoos has helped me understand the psychology of a dog so that my fear of them is no longer deep-rooted in ignorance. I actually understand them a little bit now. I credit him with my ability to pick up 4 and 8 week old puppies with hands that tremble less and less. It's awesome!

And there are moments where demon dogs are involved and I think it's his last episode...like this

But the Canine Hesoos keeps it going! I used to think he was fukking CRAZY but the Crocodile Hunter still keeps that title...R.I.P dude.

My favorite part of the shows are the owner meltdowns. Becky will be hysterical like "I just don't understand where I went wrong! He didn't mean to bite off my right breast! He really is a loving dog! I couldn't let them kill him!"

Can't help but roll my eyes or laugh.

I know...

that's not nice.

Again, I'm not a nice person.

Just like crocodiles are not to be fukked with like domestic animals.

I'm just sayin'...

Ready for YOUR Close-Up??

2009-05-01T12:54:00.026-04:00

Pick any one of these faces and
stare directly into their eyes for 10 seconds.

Read them. Size them up. Go ahead, we do it anyway. It's okay.

So go ahead...STARE at them.
No one's looking.

Martin Schoeller is the photographer who took these. You've seen his stuff on the covers of Esquire and ESPN magazines. But I never had a back-to-back experience until Esquire's May '09 issue: How to Be a Man.

As I flipped the magazine pages, staring into the eyes of both familiar and unfamiliar men, I was startled by my own intrigue. Not one face said "Like me". No one was trying to charm, entice, or sell. You couldn't see their clothes, build, or hair...no compensations, enhancements or distractions. They were just there. Although they were shot in the same tight angle that starts 2 inches above their hairline and an inch below their chin, they were all so strikingly different.

Mickey Rourke wasn't a scary oddball. He was a loving soul who knew Failure so well they had a secret handshake.

In Alex Rodriguez's picture he seems unsettled, driven, and even a little angry that something is still missing.

Kanye has very stormy eyes and a gentle spirit. You can see his quiet tantrum about Life's injustices. You can also see the boy his mother loves.

I noticed a twinge of discomfort every now and then as I looked them in their eyes. The only thing that disappeared that feeling was remembering that they couldn't see me. I just don't know if I would ever let myself be so exposed. Vulnerable? Free for all to see and make up their own pointless theories? No thank you! I want to figure me out before anyone else. Who wants to sign up for that critique?

I got curious about the photographer's work and I wanted to see women. I didn't think we'd be up for the demasking. After all, it is our sole duty as women to be attractive to men. God forbid the closeup photo revealed our pores or laugh lines! For the most part, I was right. Very few women photographed without makeup. But what was most interesting to me was what I caught myself doing exactly what I feared: judging.

I went to his website (click here) and saw female bodybuilders. I'm not going to lie, I totally browsed for the shock value. But by the 13th person I was embarrassed at how I automatically dismissed their humanity. As if they existed for my Pass/Fail vote. These were the eyes of women who were no different than me. In their faces I saw facets of myself and I was caught off-guard. I saw the passion, the questions, the love, the fear, the perfectionism, the accomplishments, the failures, the drive, the people who love them, the people who don't understand them, the incessant judgment... it really was all there.

How close is 'too close' for you?

And too close for what exactly?

Peep This

2009-04-02T10:45:00.003-04:00

I know this sounds like "The sky is falling!"

but it really is worth checking out.

These folks are off the chain...

Watch CBS Videos Online

Untitled

2009-03-30T18:39:00.002-04:00

Her neck seemed a mile long.
Sprouting from strong, broad shoulders
that appeared to stabilize the position of
her chin,
which was elevated at an angle that could only
be supported
by a lifetime of agreeable compliments.

An Adult Celebration

2009-03-23T07:43:00.017-04:00

My birthday is on Sunday and I will be older.

Typically, my birthdays serve as an annual check-in to see where I am in my Life: What have I accomplished? Where have I progressed? Where am I still behind? HOW CLOSE AM I TO THE LIFE I THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE NOW? And you know what? I never measure up. Ever. For those of you who were getting the E-Rants &Insights back when they were e-mails, you remember how birthdays used to depress the hell out of me. I distinctly remember crying my eyes out on my 22nd and 23rd birthday because I felt I was being forced to become an adult and I didn't want to.

In my head, Grown-Ups are different from Adults. Grown-Ups are just people who are older than you. They don't necessarily have their shit together but they're older. Adults, on the other hand, do. They have the retirement plans, the 401K, the mortgage, the plans, the goals, etc. They're the ones in the business magazines and on all the boring C-SPAN shows. Adults suck. They're serious, always stressed, controlling, and so responsible that even "fun" looks boring when they do it. It occurred like it could only be one or the other so I wanted NO PART of that. Not at 22, 23, or the ones after.

The last few birthdays have become actual celebrations and this one won't be any different, only it is. For this birthday, I will finally be free of a paralyzing fear that I've always experienced but didn't understand or have the words to describe. This fear was weird to me because I couldn't control it. For whatever reason, if something made me happy I'd be close to tears when it left. It could be as short as three days or as long as three years. But there were instances where I intellectually knew X lasts for Y amount of time, and I'd still be all fukked up when it was over. Like a planned visit that I booked--I know when it begins and when it ends. But no matter what, when the end came I would either cry or be close to it. Oddly enough, it seemed like the more time passed, the older I got, the worse this reaction would get. It was embarrassing but I wrote it off as "something I do".

For the past month I've been in this funk. Completely stagnant, unmotivated, excited about some but not all of Life. I didn't get why. There was no isolated incident I could point to and say "THAT! That's the reason!" But this weekend, I finally got to the source of it.

I participated in the Wisdom Course at Landmark Education, and finally could identify all of this. I realized that I have this "Life Truth" (about the way it is) that All Good Things Go Away. Grandparents die, favorite clothes get outgrown or worn, toys get broken, friends aren't your friends anymore, romances disintegrate, cars breakdown, couples breakup, jobs go away, people don't love you anymore, money always goes away, kids become teenagers, gas goes away, etc.

All of this I knew inevitably happened but it didn't change the fact that I quietly resented all of it. I made growth wrong because the good things never seemed to stay put when it happened.

I know it sounds silly but I was doing this and wasn't even aware that I was. It had gotten to the point where I started lying to myself saying that I didn't want certain things in Life when waaaaay deep down I did. I just didn't want to have anything that could be taken from me as long as I wanted it. So over time, I practically buried dreams and ambition because I thought I couldn't have them.

I don't have a pretty bow to tie around all of this insight. No moral of the story. No happy ending. It's too new.

But one thing I'm clear about is that Sunday's occasion will be celebrated by an Adult.

Finally:-)

I Dig This Song

2009-02-19T17:00:00.003-05:00

Laura Izibor |MTV Music

This isn't exactly "breaking news" but her name is Laura Izibor, she's 19, and from Ireland.

A Pretty Ugly Reality

2009-02-17T06:56:00.016-05:00

Why do women have to pretty all the damn time???

It's like we have no social value if we aren't found to be attractive. As if it's our duty and if we aren't found to be attractive, we have somehow failed. (Yes, I'm targeting men with this statement but I'm also including women.) Why is that? Why do we have to be beautiful?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not exempt from this complaint. Beauty is my business. However, I'm realizing the power beauty has over the human mind is damn near inexplicable and inescapable...and it's starting to irritate me.
Even in the Bible, the majority of the women who are well-known fit into one of three categories: 1. They interacted with Jesus, 2. They married the man who is the topic of the moment, or 3. They were very beautiful and had to be had by the man of topic. In Sunday School we're studying the Song of Solomon. This ENTIRE book of the Bible is one long serenade about some beautiful woman. I mean, dude was going on and on and on and ON about how she was this and that. All was thinking was "Do we really have to go through all eight chapters of this? I get it. She's beyond dope. Great."

I was annoyed that that's all he thought she was. "Beautiful". But when I think about it, I couldn't think of a woman who wasn't known for anything greater that didn't save baby Moses or, again, directly interact with Jesus.

I recently stopped dating this guy who I was clear it wasn't going to work out with. I won't go into it but we just weren't compatible. We had three dates and I remember thinking to myself on the 3rd one, What is keeping this guy around?? Is he deaf? Can he not hear the dryness of our conversations? Is he dumb? Well...I have evidence for that one, but I won't go there either. After I clearly scoffed at something he did, in total personal space violation, he proceeded to put his arm around me. WTF is he doing?? I thought, He can't possibly feel there is any chemistry between us!

Then I listened closer to what he talked about. He was definitely complimentary but I don't need it laid on thick-- I get it the first two times. He was all about how nice he thought I looked. Then it hit me-- He's only doing this because he's physically attracted to me! 'Big revelation', I know. But I'm not used to that and I didn't like it. Needless to say, that was the end of that.

I'm not saying that it's a bad thing. It's nice to be thought of as attractive. But for it to be coveted in such a way that other things of debatable substance are dismissed bothers me. I'm talking to myself too. I used to ONLY date attractive men. I didn't care about the person really because it said something about me to have their attention. Then I graduated from college. After 2 more dates of shallowness, I realized how bored I was and decided to do something "different". I decided to date anyone who had the courage to ask me out. That was...."different". I went out with a few loony tunes for real, lol. But with time (and some maturity), I made modifications to my dating rules that still work for me: 1. You can't be hard to look at, and 2. I can't find you offensive.

Even in the world of money, beauty is the next priority. Look at my Real Housewives. Look at your favorite athlete. Look at any music video or any VH1 dating show. Look at King, Playboy, Essence, or Elle magazine. Look at any luxury advertisement model.

You know, I forget how early we decide who we are in life. Most kids decide who they are and aren't by the time they are 8 years old. They are or aren't "bad" or "good". They are or aren't "pretty" or "ugly". They are or aren't "smart" or "stupid".

We all know how these standards are produced and maintained, but is questioning the beast of beauty as pointless as asking why the sun sets?

Women, what's up with the warm and fuzzy feeling we get when someone you value tells you that they find you to be gorgeous? And what's up with the cold sense of "worthlessness" or inadequacy when we either don't hear it or are told we aren't?

We appear to be more forgiving than men when it comes to physical beauty. This has always quietly bothered me but I'm almost to the point where a certain compliment would cause a snarl instead of a smile.

I'm starting to understand why I bum it out the way I do. Right now, it's a "Screw you and your approval." Maybe that's what it was before too? Dunno.

What I do know is that as much as I'm demonizing the laws of physical attraction, I'm not above any of it. I'll still tell my Kayla Poo how pretty she is, I'll still study makeup tricks in the mirror, and I'll continue to shop for clothes that I find beautiful.

*sigh*

Oh well.

P.S. Thank you, Salma Hayek. I got it before but now I'm REALLY feeling you!

Chopped & Screwed

2009-01-10T00:25:00.009-05:00

I probably shouldn't have laughed so hard.

If I was mature, I might not have laughed at all.

But it was funny.

REALLY funny.

After all, how often does one chance upon a love-scorned 5th grader???

It was my first time babysitting him and after feeling me out during the first couple of hours, at some point he decided I was okay. That's when he confided in me and gave me all the business. I knew elementary school was rough but technology and pop-culture has morphed these times of social development into a straight up after-school special. He had a girlfriend for a whole year and she dumped him for a popular new boy. Poor guy was the last to know too. The popular boy text messaged him on Saturday that he couldn't wait for Monday. When he replied with "Why?" he got no answer. So, of course, on Monday he found out homegirl was throwing him the deuces.

As we were cleaning up his playroom, we kept finding things he had either lost or forgotten about. Of course, I made him throw out 65% of what we found. I guess he had caught the purging spirit because we started coming up on some ex-girl leftovers. She left her CD player (which he kept), some teeny-bopper magazines (which he ripped up), and her Miley Cyrus point card. Apparently, she loves Miley Cyrus and had racked up a whole bunch of points and as he put it "has probably lost her mind looking for this thing." He asked if he could do something he's always wanted to do. "You mean return it to her?" I asked jokingly. "No." "You can't burn anything. No fire." "I don't want to." "What then?" "Be right back!"

That boy came back with a pair of scissors and went to TOWN on that Miley Cyrus card! I was too tickled, I just started laughing. I know that was a time to teach forgiveness and whatnot but my laughter was evidence of a depleted resource of maturity.

He has some radio songs on his cell phone and after time passed played some of them. They were kid-friendly except this one he was passionately singing with-- T-Pain's "Chopped and Screwed". Normally, I would have told him to turn it off but I didn't. I totally got it.

I just smiled at him and said "I feel you, buddy. " Then we took a chill break, shared a fatass moment with some junkfood,
and watched The Proud Family:o)

Seasons Change

2009-01-04T15:03:00.017-05:00

Melancholy.
Like an acoustic guitar strummed slowly
on a cloudy day
behind closed doors
for an audience of one.

Focusing on the pluck.
Humming with the strum.
Listening for a melody
to make sense of the noise your pain
wants to make,
and the song your heart wants to create.

As Time heals,
Anger cools,
and Logic becomes irrelevant,
the wooden therapy is released from personification,

and there is an opening
for the next reason, season, or lifetime.

I literally wrote this while driving to church this morning. It was so loud in my head that I could not ignore it. It was blaring.

I had a bit of a rough start this morning. Instead of becoming a typical recluse, I made church mandatory.
For the first time ever, I went there seeking "a Word from God". When I don't feel so great, I may go to church to feel better. "Feeling better" usually comes in the form of a song because I'm not a fan of my church's sermons. Anyhoo, this was a first. I was completely open to hear whatever God had to say to me and I was also a little disoriented.

I stopped at a red light and I continued to write. I heard a car honk and so I drove on-- by myself. I looked in my rear view mirror and realized that no one else had moved and I just drove through a red light at a 4-way intersection!

I get to church (not mine...one I visit) and once I'm seated, the choir is wrapping up a song. The preacher takes his place at the pulpit, and what is the topic of the sermon? "NEXT: Finding Faith for the Next Season of Your Life"

WHAT!?!?!
I was stunned. I could not believe it.
(And he got down with it too!)

You ever see those good church people taking notes during the sermon? Yeah....that's not me. Ever. Actually, I take that back. I did once in high school. But today?? Ya girl was taking some notes.

The preacher directed us to the 3rd chapter of Ecclesiastes. I respect whatever you choose to believe or not believe, but you have to be a complete idiot to not hear the common sense in the plain English of this passage.

Check it out:

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:"

and in verses 2-8 examples are listed. I even found a lyric from The Beatles in verse 8,

"A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

But man o' man did he break it down! "Seasons" are distinct from "time". As the preacher defined it, a season is a span of time that includes a progressive collection of moments, events, circumstances, activities, and experiences that when added together, create a particular effect or purpose. "Time", on the other hand was defined as "a moment or occasion".

Well, a season of mine has just come to an end.
It was a GOOD season:o)
And I will celebrate it and honor it as such.

Like I said in that October '06 post, I still don't believe in 'The One'.

But I do believe in the first.

And this season will always be that for me for many reasons.
Never to be forgotten:o)

I wonder what the next season has in store?

***CORRECTION: The "Turn, Turn" song I referred to was not by The Beatles but The Birds. Interesting. The entire song is that Ecclesiastes passage I mentioned earlier. Hear for yourself:

ROFL!!

2008-12-17T19:38:00.004-05:00

I don't have any real reason to post this.

But I have seen the funniest isht in the past 24 hours.

The Rob & Big episode I just saw and had me rolling over with tears in my eyes.

Rob and Big (Season 2) - MTV Shows

Kat Williams is just hillarious.

Katt Williams: Pimp Chronicles pt. 1Sunday 9/21 10p/9c

Katt Williams - White Friends

What's Really Good!?!

2008-12-16T16:45:00.013-05:00

So I’m about to enter a meet the parents situation in about 10 days or so and I’m anxious.

After pensive examination, I realize that it’s been a long time since I’ve earnestly wanted to be socially liked by someone. After high school, it was more of “I hope I like THEM”. Since then, I honestly can’t think of a time when I wanted to be liked without a resume. In dating, I guess. But even then, because I’m not used to actually liking the guys I go out with, I just assume it’s going to be short-lived anyway. Besides, I was liked enough to get asked out so in my head, I’m already “liked”.

He and I aren’t even a couple. We aren’t committed. We are thousands of miles apart and we just like each other. Neither of us wants to do the long-distance thing either. So how exactly am I supposed to be introduced to his parents??? I’m trying to go with the flow here but I’m this is new for me.

I think he's uncomfortable too because he's supposed to be meeting the Parental Unit and he doesn't want to it to give a false impression of what's going on with me and him. If that's the case, I can understand that. My folks, however, are just satisfying curiousity more than anything else.

I’m a straight up beeyotch to anyone my brother or sister bring home. Why? Because I want to make it clear that I’m not making an effort to like them. Why? Because I don’t have to. Why? Because until I do, I don’t. Why? Because my brother and sister are MINE and your charm isn't going to distract me from screening yo azz.

I’ve never been on the other side. Never thought I’d be in this position in my 20’s. This a lot for no commitment, right? I think I’m going to date other people… or find a job in NYC? That wouldn’t be bad. I have Hometeam up there, so that’s an instant social life. I’d relocate for a job, so the money won’t be in question. Family’s up there. If dude and I are still on and popping, that would be another plus. Fashion Week, instant slices of cheese pizza ANYWHERE at ANYTIME, diverse people... I’m not stupid. I see the benefits. But the dirtiness, cost of living, and the weather is not the business.

Hmmm…

I’ve got some thinking to do.

I refuse to move up there for some dude. I am just not that kind of person (or so I think). He can be a bonus, not the reason. Guess I’m still looking for that good reason...

What's "good" though???

I think I'm going to call off the meeting.

...it might be best for both of us (lol).

After-School Specials

2008-11-21T12:00:00.005-05:00

Why did I post this?

I don't know. I guess it just took me back to elementary and high school, lol. Where nobody really wants to fight hard enough to hurt the other person, but just enough to make a point to everybody else. In elementary school, I used to take a different bus home when I knew something might pop off. It was a much longer walk home but the perks of being able to go to "The Candy Lady" and see an afterschool fight were too good to pass up. Sometimes I'd have to lug my cello with me but it was just that worth it sometimes, lol. Gotta love growing up in the A!

Get it Together, Michelle!

2008-11-10T17:05:00.008-05:00

Okay now.

You can't come out like this....

but then have all this going on in the back...

That's deceptive.

You can't fool the American people, Michelle!

We've been through too much for you to be delivering these false hopes!

We're tired of being lied to, Michelle! Weapons of mass destruction...nice hairstyling...we don't need this!

You've got a lot more eyeballs on you and that hair these days so I'm going to need you to have some conversations about the pinch ponytails. Only for the gym and house chores!

Speaking of which, I was wrong. My theory of why it took Barak so long to come out has been dismantled by Flickr.com. 'Tis cool. I can be wrong....sometimes (lol).

(Click here to see the whole slideshow)

I mean, even today for me was very...ummm... "faux chic". I was doing my usual run/walk at the park and end up on camera for the local news. I was not representing. Anyone that was considering going natural is now officially a "Aw HELL Naw!"

I looked like The Morning After.

Actually no.

The Morning After at least grants you some smudged eyemakeup and maybe SOME type of concealer. No sir.

I was all exposed...raccoon eyes, uneven skin tone, washed out face ...just an embarrassment!

And I'll recover from this tragedy. Will I become one of those chicks who look cute when they're working out with their club-ready makeup and matching gear? No. But I vow to from here on out, slap a little black gel on these edges and hit up the waterproof mascara before I lace up my Nikes!

And that America, you can count on!

(I'm such a f'ing PATRIOT!)

singing I Said We're Moving on Uuuuup!

2008-11-04T23:48:00.022-05:00

Whatchu say, Whatchu SAY!

I woke up at like 6am with crazy anxiety about the potential of today. I watched more television news in 24-hours than I have in all of the last 3 years. When it started getting close, I had to be by myself because solitude is how I like to deal with intense moments like this that are running on raw nerves. But even that began to feed my anxiety so I muted the television and did something completely unrelated--- I made ringtones. Peering at the screen every so often I saw Obama's lead of 207 votes on McCain's 67. Every other over-the-shoulder glance was frustrating because McCain was like 130-something and Obama was stuck at 207. Then I saw the banner at the bottom of the screen, "Barak Obama Elected President of the United States". I jumped up like "What? How? I thought you need 270 votes! He's only at 207, WTF!?!?"

Once I got closer to the screen, I realized that number was actually 297 and I got reeeeally quiet. Then once it hit me, my eyes just welled up with emotion. I couldn't hold it back, so I just cried. I don't even know if he's going to be able to do the damn thing BUT I do know that the race conversation in this country is shifting. Or perhaps it's already shifted and this is the validating evidence? Either way, beyond Black/White this is huge for EVERYONE because this silences all who think "they know" what this country is ready for and capable of.

This also shatters the glass ceiling of limits that Black people comfortably live under; completely prohibiting any progressive possibilities. In addition to that, Obama's win diminishes all kinds of excuses. Black people are now officially close to bankrupt on all of the reasons why they can't do/have/be what they want in their Life.

I guess we just needed to see it, you know? Visual examples are good for people who are creating images of themselves. Look at golf. Black people didn't pay any attention to it until Tiger Woods took it over. And has the game changed? No, but the players have. Now it's acceptable for "others".

That said, let me issue a public warning for those who may not be prepared for CPA moments:
Colored people (namely Blacks) are gonna act the damn fool.

I strongly advise all White people in managerial positions to lay low for a good 3-5 days. Why? Because at this moment, you can't tell Black people anything. And I do mean any damn thing. And you must NOT take it personally. This state of mind is equivalent to a "You're Not the Boss of Me!" retort. Consider yourself forewarned of potential workplace moments like this:

"Shaquintaleesha, I need 5 copies of this report on my desk in 10 minutes."
"I bet you do."
"Excuse me?"
"Kate, I ain't copying nothing in the next 10 minutes. I'm going to the bathroom and then I'm going to go to the snack machine and buy a honey bun. And when I'm done eating my honey bun, I'm going to call my cousin and ask her for some coupons so I can do some early Christmas shopping since I know yo' ass ain't giving me a raise no time soon."
"So when can I expect these reports?"
"When I'm good and gotdamn ready. Excuse me!"

That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. As a matter of fact my cousin in New Orleans is on vacation and she told me she's thinking about going into work tomorrow just to smile at folks and say "It's such a beautiful day! What'chall in here doing?" (lol)

The ignorant Coloreds are probably going to start a "Fukk the Po'lice" campaign. Like if you're White and a government official, you can kiss it where God split it.

That said, I'm going to need for someone (preferably Negro) to remind Ray Ray & 'nem that Bush is still the President and you still need your paycheck. So don't trip.

Now let's review....

McCain gave a great "I'm Out Dis' B*tch" speech. I mean he REALLY did. If you ignored it, shame on you, you shouldn't have. It set a nice tone for all the 2nd generation KKKlansmen,
in breeders, old-money-stacking, keeping-it-in-the-family, Jethro and Annie Mae
Clampett, change-resisting, old school closeted racial purists of the Republican
Party (Note: Not "all"). Those are the ones that I have to share Wal-Mart with.

McCain's concession speech made him both likable and respectable, and to be honest with you, I liked it better than Obama's "Hi Haters!" speech.

Next, you KNOW I have to throw kudos to my girl who was KILLING them in the makeup department! And that navy blue suit she rocked?? Deadly. The fit, the fabric, the color...*sigh*...I hate to see her go. Yeah, yeah...Michelle did her thing. But that design said "Black Widow Spider" to me and I just couldn't fall in love.

My final words to Sarah Palin:

Don't you dare donate a DAMN THING from your shopping spree! F*kk 'em all!

Those are YOUR Manolos!

And what in the Star Trek hell was CNN doing!?!?

They've got all this touch screen technology that was tripping me out! But I reeeeeally flipped when I saw (my ex-boo) Anderson Cooper interviewing one of the Black Eyed Pea members as a HOLOGRAM! WTF!?! Am I late? Is this how the news is done these days???

I do have a question though...

Why do you think it took Barak so long to come out and make that speech?

At first, I was thinking maybe they just wanted to make sure his security was tight. Then, I was thinking that maybe a whole bunch of people in his campaign circle caught the Holy Ghost and fell out (like they do in Baptist/Pentecostal Revivals), so he had to stop and entertain everyone who worked for free that wanted to pray over him.

But I think I got it now.

Pay attention to Exhibit A (below). Now look closely at Exhibit B on the right. These pictures were taken on November 4, 2008. If I'm counting correctly, that would equal one permed head and 2 naturals. So what? So everyone knows that Black salons need AT LEAST 3 hours to get you out and having natural hair myself, that's a good 4 hours. Minimum. And do you see the final results? (see very 1st pic of blog)

I rest my case.

So yes, America, be easy. I have used my knowledge for good and have brought you peace of mind.

You're welcome.

In closing, I would like to make a couple of suggestions to the Obama camp for thank you notes. I don't mean the obvious people like God, the speech writers, Oprah, or Michelle. I mean the REAL people that deserve a note of thanks for this election.

Suggestion #1- The creators and cast of the show "24". That's right. Now at it's 150th episode, this show has favorably planted the seed in the minds of millions of Americans with the serious image of a Black man as president (Sorry, Chris Rock). And say what you want, but even via entertainment, it made the idea less fantasy and more possible.

Suggestion #2- Jennifer Lopez. Yes, yes, J.Lo. Why? Because she almost single-handled improved race relations in America by making the Black woman's body culturally acceptable. How? She raised every White person's eyebrow when Ben Affleck (one of the most sought-after bachelors of Hollywood) wanted to marry her big balloon ass. Why does it matter? Because it dulled the taboo of interracial happenings and made hips and booty must-haves. She started that butt-injection craze. So here's this pop/urban Puerto Rican who's got this Hollywood bachelor wanting to settle down and everyone wants to know the secret. When they figured it was her ass(ets) they had to get one which made our natural ones THAT much more acceptable. It was no longer a bad thing to have a big butt and it for sure made ours okay. And if it's "okay" to appreciate nice butts then you already know Black chicks are gettin' overt kudos. Beyonce needs to thank her too!

Suggestion #3- The Obama Girl. That White woman pledged her love nationally from the very beginning and made him a sex symbol before Michelle could get those edges laid right. White chicks everywhere were taking a second look and White guys were quietly studying what all the noise was about.

Suggestion #4- The Cosby Show. Because ladies and gentlemen, the Black middle class family has become presidential:o)

YES WE DID!

Costume Confusion

2008-10-31T00:00:00.007-04:00

So I'm going to a costume party tomorrow. I had my heart set on being Tia Dalma/Calypso from "Pirates of the Caribbean" but my homie doesn't approve. She said it has to be "cute". Boo.

So here's what I decided:

I'm going to be a Blacula victim.

I've never seen the movie myself (Blaxploitation isn't really my style), but I have this vintage dress that I get to wear (circa 1972 prom). I figure I'd blow my hair out as big as I can get it, do my best Diana Ross makeup, and put two dots of fake blood on my neck and let it drip a little. There. Done.

Since this unanimous decision, I've considered some advancements. I think I'm going to add fangs to show that I'm a recent victim and although I'm not 100% yet, in about 10 minutes I'm going to be a vampire.

So I guess what I'm really going as is a Blacula victim who is quickly becoming a vampire and will be officially in 10 minutes.

Perfect:o)

Let's Talk

2008-10-29T10:03:00.009-04:00

Let's talk television shall we?

First up, Real Housewives of Atlanta. What'd I say? What did I MF'n say people!?! CPA: Colored People Antics! Too many damn Black people! These women embarrass me. Actually, no they don't.

No wait....

yes.

Yes, they do.

I prefer WWWs for this type of reality television foolery. These particular Black women are too pressed about how their money looks. The money is too new. And they're too tacky for all of it. And I'll watch. I'm 60% committed to seeing it to the end. But alas, there is hope!

That's right! Guess who's back???

Moments like these are only a few weeks away!

Watch more The Real Housewives of Orange County videos on AOL Video

Oh yes...my girls are COMING HOME!

And we won't have to wait too long either because it's starts early November! Seems a little sudden, huh? Clearly, the execs at Bravo knew the CPA version of The Real Housewives is lackluster compared to the original WWWs. Basically, the Real Housewives of Atlanta is only showing for about a month and 1 week. I'm so happy. I need my girls! They make me feel regular:o)

In other reality television news....

What's up with a new season of Kimora's show?? These reruns are growing stale. I need more!

Reno 911 is so hillarious! It never gets old. Watch 2 episodes and see if it sticks.

The Office is next in line.

I am boycotting all VH1 efforts for CPA-based reality shows. I tried The Real Chance of Love. I gave it 10 minutes. Then I walked away.

Now let's talk politics....

(stop laughing)

So I'm coming from NYC and I'm at the gate and the news is on and what are they talking about? Sarah Palin spend $150,000 of Republican campaign money on her wardrobe. WHAT!?!? I haven't been passionate about any of the platform issues but this one got me going. $150,000 for clothes?? WHAT'S THE F'N PROBLEM!?!

First off, no person in politics has a right to talk about how much someone should spend on clothes. What the hell do they know about fashion!?!? All that budget-cut talk can't bleed into things like personal shopping. Why? Because they don't understand it. Just like I don't understand what the hell they're talking about most of the time. I was just TOO THROUGH with all of the scrutiny. If I'm positioning to myself to be the next Vice President of America, I have a Neiman Marcus account, money that you donated to get me there and use to help me win, and you expect me NOT to use it!?!?

Screw you!

I know Sarah Palin gets a lot of political criticism. I'm sure it's well-earned but dammit, that woman is an aesthic groundbreaker...a maverick (lol). Seriously! She is doing the damn thing aesthetically. This morning, I was getting ready to watch some of my TiVo shows and I saw her talking in Ohio. I never heard her speak before, so I watched. She sounds more like someone I'd have coffee with instead of a VP nominee, but that woman had EXCELLENT blush placement. I haven't seen that kind of greatness since the '06 Academy Awards redcarpet! Her makeup was FLAWLESSLY executed. The rimless eyeglasses are PERFECT for her face shape. And her hair? No big, round poltician birds nest there! No sir!

I am me and I support the Sarah Palin aesthetic movement.

Real Housewives in Atlanta?

2008-10-02T19:13:00.013-04:00

Y'all know I love my Orange County Housewives.

Those crazy White women made my moment every time TiVo would show them to me. I was sad when they left the air but had some hope for their followups, the Real Housewives of New York.

Whackness. Some WWWs for real. I couldn't sit through the first episode. I'd rather re-organize the refrigerator...so I did.

But when I heard they were doing a Real Housewives of Atlanta, I damn near lost it! Then when it was confirmed to be TRUE I really lost it!

Couldn't wait!

That is until I saw a picture of the cast:

Now you may or may not be thinking what I thought, but I soon as I saw it I sighed in disappointment--- There are too many damn Black women on this show!

Immediately, I knew there was about to be that drama that only Colored locals (yes, I said "colored locals") can provide. It's about to be some seriously Gucci'd up embarrassment about to go down. Remember I said that. You heard it here first.

When I saw the premiere episode, it confirmed it cuz the only one who seems to have an actual job (and would be financially okay if she wasn't with him) is the football player's wife (who looks the part of a typical trophy wife but her ol' waterhead baby is TOO CUTE! Cheeks for DAYS!). Maybe I spoke too soon cuz homegirl sold real estate and that market is NOT the business down here anymore.

The first episode airs tonight and I hope that I'm not about to email the folks at Bravo and tell them the go to the OC and bring my girls back.

*sigh*

Only time will tell...

I just have a feeling I'm about to be right.

CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT I'M SAYING!

Lawd....

Debbie Siebers is the Devil

2008-10-02T18:12:00.009-04:00

Don't let the smile fool you...

She is.

For the past month I've been working out. Defintely not where I used to be but I do these walk-runs in the AM at this park not too far from the driveway. The goal is 3-4 times a week. I'm at about 2-3.

Since I've been really busy with clients, last week's sessions didn't happen at all. So I decided that if I wasn't going to go to the park, I had to at least do a workout tape at home. After a few muffled hell no!'s under the blanket this morning, I rolled over and honored my new vow. I did Debbie's "Thin Thighs Guaranteed!" DVD because 1. it's only 8 minutes and 2. my thighs are my problem area anyway.

Let me tell you...

By the 3rd minute,

I was ready throw some of that beach sand she was standing on in her face.

That was the longest 8 minutes of my life!

She took me DOWN!

I didn't even see it coming!

About 2 minutes into it, I put her smiling ass on pause and laid out on my bed. I looked up at the ceiling...wheezing...looking for some inner motivator to press play again.

Only because I know her workouts work did I make a full recovery in 3 minutes to finish the thing. But after that tape was over, I laid out again...for 10 minutes.

I will make a comeback....

Oh yes, I will not be defeated!

Opinionated Truths

2008-10-02T14:49:00.023-04:00

I'm not a fan of hype. "Sensationalism" is what most will call what I'm talking about. Emotionally-amped propaganda. Also known as "That buuuuullsh*t"...at least in my head it is. Especially when Black people are the catalyst. You know, I think used to think that White, male sport fanatics were the unacknowledged sort for their innate abilities to hype anything. And I do mean any damn thing.

But Black people? I think we've got that horse beat. Who else can recite a "telling off" like we can? You know, one of those "....and THEN I told that @#*&$!# that she can kiss all 240 lbs of my big, chocolate..."

You know what I mean. You're probably guilty of doing it. I know I am, lol. And we get all pissed off again reliving the moment too! We're natural sensationalist. Look at our churches! There's a lot (notice: I didn't say ALL) of spiritual pretense in one place where people are "s'posed to" do or be this and that. Disagree? Do a mic check. Listen carefully to the person who's got the microphone and see how authentically they talk to you. You can't get 3 sentences without some default church cliche.

That said, I don't trust Black people in politics. Not necessarily the politician but the entourage. It's the same thing in the music and sports industry. 9 times out of 10 it isn't the star getting the future criminal activity poppin'--- it's the goons they're with. The idiots that they are connected to in some way or the other (also known in some countries as "friends" and "family").

If a Black person tells me to vote for a candidate, I'm tempted to ask where their Michael Vick jersey is. Because if they indeed have one, I know they can't possibly be legit. Why? Because NO ONE repped the Falcons before he came. And if you're truly an Atlanta Falcon fan since Vick, show me a ticket stub for a game.

Exactly.

Remember the Jena 6?

All that uproar to go down and protest something that most didn't really understand but got that it was something was racist, so they did what we know how to do best: get angry. Think I'm exempt? I chose the name this E-RANTS & Insights for a reason, lol. But my point is that all that hype for what?

For one of the Jena 6 to broadcast YOUR money on YouTube, and another to be in jail THIS VERY MOMENT because of a legality that a smarter official knew he could hit him with.

And what makes him smart is that he/she knew to wait until all the angry Black people went back home because he knows we ain't taking anymore days off work.

So with Obama running for president of the United States, I know there are many (probably too many) idiot Black people who are going to socially campaign for him. Why? Because he's Black (and none of the analysts have dogged him too bad). Even if they did, you'd still vote for him because he's Black and not because of his political platform. Why? Because you're just as ignorant as I am. The only difference is that my ignorance is chosen. Which definitely doesn't make it better but it allows a moment to breathe and stop for a sec.

I'll keep it real with you. I don't follow government policies and debates. It bores the hell out of me. Call me immature, that's fine. But at my age, the whole political arena seems rampant of various opinions and, at the end of the day, it's going to be the stronger and logical opinion that wins me over. Why? Because I'm not reading up on all this shit. I don't know what's true and what isn't. These people get on the TV, radio, and are quoted in papers for all of their knowledgeable predictions and opinions and that crap is spoken like it's the gospel truth. And it is, until another knowledgeable expert provides a counter prediction and opinion, which now makes the subject controversial.

Fukkit.

I'll find the online survey on Time.com that tells me who's views most match mine.

Then, I'll take my answer to the polls and do what the folks before me put their life at risk for until 1964.

So I'll do enough research to make a decision I'm comfortable with.

I'll vote for who I vote for.

Just know that whoever that is,

I thought about it with MY brain.

And not a hype machine's influence.

P.S.-Please note that the deadline is October 6th, 2008 for this year's election.Go to this site to register for your state: https://ssl.congress.org/congressorg/e4/nvra/

The process is easy:

1. Select your state.

2. Enter the required information.

3. Print your voter registration application.

(Requires Adobe Acrobat. We suggestversion 7.0. Click here to download 7.0)

4. Mail your voter registration application.

You can also learn about the candidates and where they stand on the issues from this website as well.

Charise Pempengco

2008-09-22T16:54:00.004-04:00

Just watch.

I don't have to say anything but make sure you watch the WHOLE THING and turn your sound on. Hurry up before Oprah makes them take it down.

I'm Back B*tches!

2008-09-20T18:48:00.019-04:00

HEY!!!!!

I'm back!

No more threats, WTF calls, emails, and texts from y'all.

I'm here.

Stop harassing me.

Now...

Where do I start?

I'm waaaaaay overdue for an update, so I'll spare us all the long and drawn-out soliloquy that you'll get bored reading and I'll fall asleep writing.

Deal?

I left my job. That's right boys and girls! I no longer work at the company I've worked for the past year and a half. Many...actually...MOST of y'all are probably celebrating. For whatever reason, the 70-hour work weeks bothered YOU more than me but what can I say? I'll chalk it up to love and keep it moving. I didn't get fired. I didn't leave because I was pissed off. I definitely didn't go out like this chick (LMAO!):

So why the departure? I got clear around March that I was not willing to do everything it took to be successful at that job. At the end of the day, it had no integrity for me to be there collecting checks. So I left. On excellent terms, may I add. They threw me a going away party, bought me cool stuff, and made me cry 50 different times with sentimental adieus. It was awesome. I have nothing bad to say about the company or my experience so don't wait for disgruntled venting. It doesn't exist:-)

I finally got a crush! That was such a cool thing. It last almost a week too! 6 days to be exact, which is technically a work week, so I'm just going to round up. A fantastic White guy I had known for a while but didn't appreciate until then. What came of it? Absolutely nothing. As a matter of fact, he is completely clueless that it ever existed. Why the fade of interest? Well on Friday morning, as I was testing the temperature of the water in my shower, I conjured him up in my thoughts to see if the prior zing! was there. It wasn't. I tried again, and I just didn't get excited about any possibility of seeing or talking to him that day or any day. I was done. It was unfortunate. But it was a thrilling 6 days:-)

I like a guy! Obviously, not my still-fantastic White crush of yesteryear, but an unexpected Black guy who is sooooo not my usual cup of tea. It's definitely not anything bad but it's just that his thing is very new and different from what I'm used to. I'm actually intrigued by my own intrigue in our dynamic. It's strangely good. Great even. No, we're not on "boo" status, but if things continue as they are (undisturbed) it's definitely in the cards. More on him later...

I've matured! I'm still a dork. I'm still immature enough to continue to foam at the mouth in anticipation for the Disney Vault release of my uber fave, "Sleeping Beauty" in November. But I'm...I don't know...more "womanly"? More grown up. I call adults stupid all the time (out loud) and it's usually justified. I'm still stupid but I'm smarter. Most of my past opinions mirror what I think today. I'm still evil. I still hate to be called "nice". Just more appreciated for being me: good, bad, and f'ing ANNOYING;-)

This is a good enough start right?

My business is starting to move (seemingly without me) and it's so eerily wonderful, I can't wait to tell you more about it. I need a few more things to solidify before that disclosure but it's forthcoming. I promise!

Okay, that's it folks.

I need to go.

This dude in the corner has been gawking at me for quite some time,

and I think he's 5 minutes shy of mustering up the courage to talk to me...

Ciao!

Boasting 'Bout Badu

2008-03-02T12:29:00.015-05:00

Seriously, how can you NOT like this chick?

Erykah Badu's new album dropped Tuesday and I was soooo giddy with anticipation! Overall, it was a tad too political to be 100% embraced by yours truly, but she represents so much to me right now it doesn't even matter.

She's a Soul Celebrator, and by that I mean the music and humanity. The music alone can grab you, and you know how I love hot sauce on my lyrics! She delivers consistently!

Badu brings it and she puts her humanity on loudspeaker in every album. You've gotta be crazy fierce to be like that. And I mostly respect her for her self expression. She will go up and down, all around but somehow someway, it never deviates from her true self. Erykah unapologetically does her thing without approval and agreement of most people. And while the same could be said other artists, her work is always respectable. She's "anti" without pushing it down people's throats and I LOVE IT!

Even Tom Ford (yes, Gucci) can't deny her and is about to have her modeling for a fragrance soon.

She's not afraid to GO THERE at her own expense and I respect her creatively, as a woman, and as a courageous human being.

...and she can DJ too ;o)

(p.s. I'm jealous, lol)

The Unassuming Maneater

2008-02-16T23:15:00.007-05:00

I'll own it.

Put it out there for the Hometeam and all of cyber space...

I'm a shit to men.
(romantically)

I had a jarring conversation with a co-worker during Superbowl Sunday that had me messed up for a good 2 weeks until my recent epiphany. When I say I'm a shit to men, I don't mean that rude behavior we all know I'm capable of and prone to when provoked (or don't give a damn). I'm conscious of that. I mean the unconscious shittiness. The non-verbal "You can't do much for me" message I deliver over, and over, and OVER again that I didn't realize until about 2 weeks ago.

She and I were talking about our dating lives and she stated that she was on the hunt for a guy that had what she wanted and no longer was willing to date guys who only had 1/16 of what she was looking for. You know, the guys that may be good for this or that... or have one or two things you like about them. Nuh unh. She was done with that.

"So just like that, huh? Cold turkey?"

"What's the point? I'm never satisfied."

"Yeah, but that's the fun of dating! All the different personalities, experiences...there's just so much out there!"

"That's not fun to me anymore. I want to find a guy that fulfills me."

You know how you impulsively open your mouth to talk because you know speaking is appropriate (and expected) but your thoughts haven't solidified yet so you sound like you're about to throw up?

That's what I did. I was stumbling and stammering all over the place.

Being fulfilled by a man??? It was such a foreign concept to me. And even seeing myself struggle with the concept and idea of it stunned me. I had just NEVER looked at it that way. Men can make you happy, men can make you cry, you can love them, they can love you, they're great, they suck, etc.-- I had been through all of those spaces. But to be FULFILLED by one???? Couldn't swallow that.

It's just something I never looked for anyone else to do really.

When I want something, I'll figure out a way to get it until either 1. I get it, or 2. I don't want it anymore. And in terms of men, if it shows up in 2 or 3 different dudes that's just what it is and it's all good cuz I still benefit.

But she was talking some craziness (at least at the time)...

Men? Fulfilling?
Huh???

I wrestled with the notion for a while but when I stepped back and realized that if this is a conscious struggle, IMAGINE WHAT MY UNCONSCIOUS ACTIONS HAVE BEEN ALL THIS TIME!

And I'm not even saying that it's bad or wrong. It's just something that I have to be responsible for now that I'm conscious that I do this and it takes zero effort.

Wow. I treat guys I date pretty similar to my guy homies until I decide I like them (which is rare). And eventually, even with lukewarm interest, they all fade to black. And to be super honest with you, there aren't any dudes from Yesterday that I'm kicking myself about. It just makes me wonder what could've been if I had actually been AVAILABLE?

Because now I'm getting the difference between being "single" and being "available" in a whole new light. Dudes know when women are available. It's a certain energy they give off. And I for sure know I wasn't giving it, lol.

Wow.

Now what?

**shoulder shrug**

Hell if I know.

P.S- I think I now understand why this guy once said that I was "an unassuming mind f*ck". Go figure, lol.

My Bubble: One Long Ass Analogy

2008-02-16T22:22:00.011-05:00

I've always been aware that I had my own world. A world of things that I intentionally put there (physically or mentally) because they pleased me for some reason. Said another way, it was a world that consists ONLY of my interests, entertainment, and thoughts.

Going back to my teenage years when it originated, it was created as a defense. It was my way to shut people I didn't like (which consisted of 90% of the population...namely the Parental Unit and anyone that sided with them about ANYTHING) out. This fortress was enforced and protected by locked doors, silence, and my best weapon of defense: absence.

Then I transition to my collegiate years...

Still holding tight to my bubble, it now became a sanctuary. A place of escape. Refuge from the chaos known as undergrad. Whatever stability I had, I credit to the bubble. So my world at this time was no longer a way to survive but really to sustain. I was quite content being in my bubble and visiting Reality whenever I wanted or occasionally "had to".

Then there's young adulthood...

You know, as great as my world is it doesn't offer any jobs. Now having to deal with these types of new necessities of this new Life phase, there always screeching conflicts with my world and Reality. And as I grow and mature, I'm having to deal with Reality a lot more than I used to. A lot more. The transition isn't so smooth either. As an adult, there are consequences when you ignore Reality for too long. I've earned plenty of scars to evidence that but I'm still fighting to preserve my bubble for sentimental reasons. So there's probably going to be more scars....maybe even stitches. But as I evolve and my goals and ambitions follow suit, the desired results can only show up in Reality...which means I have to visit it much more.

So as I continuously evaluate and re-evaluate My World against Reality,

I'm realizing that the bubble that used to "protect" me

... is probably costing me the most harm.

Extreme Soccer

2008-02-03T09:26:00.000-05:00

This right here is crazy.
And I’m a not a soccer fan.

Soccer is one of those sports to me where you have to work TOO DAMN HARD for one point. Basketball will give you three or two. Football gives you 6. What’s up with soccer? Hockey too!
(Hockey gets a pass though cuz you get to fight)

And also, soccer is one of those sports where to me if ya’ll lose its the goalie’s fault. You’ve got someone who can straight up post in front of where the points happen? How does anyone win or lose?

I know that’s not how it really is but still...

If you put one of these guy doing those Jackie Chan moves, HOW CAN YOU LOSE???

Ain't That About A...

2008-02-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

So apparently the Super Bowl is happening this week. I found this out on Monday (shouts out to Oomalicious for keeping me in real time) and was really thrown off by it's "suddenness". This is the same suddenness that happens for me around Easter, Christmas, and sometimes Thanksgiving. However that is not the point.

So later in the week, as in yesterday, I learned of the two teams who are playing: Patriots and the Giants. Woop-di-damn-doo.

Still not the point.

So how about TODAY I heard a small rumor that was big enough to raise my left eyebrow in full-fledged interest: Micheal Jackson is performing????

Is this accurate?

Is the 2008 SuperBowl officially TiVo-able?

I know some of you may be turned off by the fact that I adore the King of Pop the way I do. Perhaps it is weird and I should be embarrassed and stop the fanfare for the genius that gave the 80's major musical evolutionary relevance. Okay, that was dramatic but still...IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON!

Please know that the Michael Jackson that I know and love looks like this (in my mind):

Not this...
Oh wait...that's Lil' Kim.

Like THIS...
What in the blue Crayola hell is up with his eyebrows?
I'm convinced this is an imposter.
The real MJ never had to shave.
I think these are hair plugs.

Somebody hit me up so I know if I need to place an order on TiVo.

Or maybe I'll just watch anyway?
I might be able to win some money.

I'm pretty good at picking winning teams.
I picked them last year (or whatever that year was I watched).
Also,
I was 80% about 2 years ago in calling the Monday Night games.

My strategy?
Aesthetics.

I haven't come up with some bullshit reason as to why this works but it definitely does
(for me anyway).
When the jocks come on-screen in the 1st quarter, I watch their intros very carefully.

You know.

The "Demarkitwan Jones...Ohio State." part.

The offensive line is usually cuter than the defensive line.
If the defensive line is cuter, then you might be in trouble.
Not always, but you wanna heed the warning signs.

Anyhoo...

I watch their intros and I award a point to each player who is cute/attractive/fine. Black, White, Caublasian, whatever...you have to be able to call a spade a spade. By the end of the 1st quarter, both lines of each team has introduced themselves and I pick the team with the most attractive players.

I'm very good:o)

But on the real, I'm probably not going to watch. Besides all the catch up work I have to do, I still haven't closed the season to my guilty pleasure of the moment: The Real Housewives of Orange County.

I love those crazy WWWs.

Evil Thai mail-order brides... moms pimping out their blonde aimless children...financial falls from grace...the haves and have nots...

Actually reminds me of my favorite Dr. Seuss tale, "The Starbelly Sneeches" who had stars upon thars, lol...

okay, I got sidetracked.

Laurie has convinced herself she's in love and she has managed to snag big ballin' George "after years of hardships", and now they're having a big ballin' wedding on George's big ballin' estate. The wedding is supposed to be the season finale.

I love hearing her lie about her love life.

There's just something about the delusional...

they humor me.

(From a distance.)

2007: A Year in Review

2008-01-19T22:08:00.000-05:00

Happy 2008!

Yes, that's right.
19 days later.
It's just as sincere,
so don't trip.

Speaking of tripping, 2007 was definitely one wasn't it? It was interesting in a not so predictable way--- which I like. Full of quiet curve balls. I figured the best way to do the New Year post to is to recap 2007's ambitions, so here we go:

#1. Butterflies (i.e. a strong crush): Didn't happen. Went out with different guys but the interest was one-sided. We'll keep this on the books for 2008. Crushes are simple. I just need to be in a position to get one. Which rolls into number 2...

#2. UPgrade the Social Calendar: I did that. I'm very proud of it too because time definitely became a luxury for me this year. Which slides me right into number 3... (This is really developing a nice flow)

#3. B-Plan after Grad School Decision: Didn't get into NYU and got a full-time managerial job for a company that is definitely making a difference personally, nationally, and globally. You guessed it...it rolls into number 4!

#4. Do Something Full Out: My job requires 12+ hour workdays and it is NOT a game. I get my ass handed to me on a daily basis and while it doesn't feel good, the sting of a reprimand has definitely dulled. Just as I thought when I started, this job is growing me up (for real!). When I feel like I can't give anything more, do anything else, or be anything more I shock myself and somehow give what's required, do what's necessary, and be who I need to be to get the job done. And the job is actually fulfilling because it makes a difference, so my performance matters to me for reasons beyond reputation, ego, or the fear of failure.

#5. Fall In Love With Something: Yep! I did it! This little store of nothing in downtown Decatur called Heliotrope makes me happy. It's one of those personality stores where you can find stuff with sayings that express you. Also, my new cell phone is definitely a new love, and I have yet to name him. And a few makeup products have definitely given me something to cheer about in 2007.

#6. Make A List of a Whole Bunch of Shit I'd Never Do and Consider it: Nope. Failed miserably with this one. I'm still looking at leaving the country sometime soon. The itch is getting louder. Maybe I'll get a passport just to take a step in the direction? We'll see.

So there it is.
2007 in review.
As for 2008,
I don't have much I shooting for.

Spiritual Balance: I grew up in church and for a very long time it was a big part of my life. After college, a lot of those things didn't gel within like they used to. I wanted more information. I wanted a safe place and space to ask the new questions I had about my beliefs. Didn't get those answers and after a while, I became resigned that I ever would. So I lazily sat on the fence. I'm approaching a 5-year anniversary and it wasn't until a church I visited last Sunday that I even became aware of it. This minister didn't give me "evil idiot" or "pimping corrupt bastard" vibes. He made several points that I never heard before and I was reminded of how spiritually starved I am. So I'm going to take that on this year.

Butterflies: I am making this MUCH harder than it needs to be.

Financial Responsibility: I'm making moves with chump change and while the pay doesn't even match what I'm getting as a person, I'm going to work with the peanuts, okay? Brother Airbender is a financial planner now so we're going to make some things happen, since I will officially be debt free in February! (Woo hoo!)

Like I said,
it's nothing spectacular but definitely on my radar.
What do you have going on for 2008?

Some Wednesday WTF

2008-01-16T00:09:00.001-05:00

Peep the first 15 seconds of this clip. Focus on the guy on the right.

Got it? Cool.

Now peep the guy on the left jamming off-camera in this clip.

Guess what?

SAME DUDE!

Say what you want, David Gregory doesn't MISS NOT ONE STEP!
And had the nerve to spin too?

I think he's got Barak and Ellen beat, whatchu think?

Someone needs to do a background check on Mr. Gregory....

I was NOT ready for that much rhythm in a suit.

P.S. I'm not ignoring the new year. I had some good thoughts about a post but they never made it to the site. Still fleshing it out. Post coming soon. Promise!

A Love Tilt

2007-12-29T11:59:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen....

I would like to announce the unveiling of SuperPimp's replacement: The AT&T Tilt.
I was going to wait and make it official in January or February but Amazon.com made my dreams come true TODAY! That sucker is $299 (after a $100 rebate) so you already know I wasn't doing that. (I love my gadgets but do I have to be robbed to express it?)

So how about Amazon had it for $199 WITH a $50 rebate! $150.00??? Say no more!

My contract is up so I was eligible for the deal and jumped on it this morning. I'm very full of myself at the moment for coming across this deal, so you might wanna give me a day or two to deflate my ego a bit.

Oh and just so you know, I have SuperPimp's blessing:o)

I didn't think the breakup would happen as smoothly as it did but it's a go!

He's so great. I'm going to miss him!

He was my first electronic love!

Ho's Have Upsides

2007-12-28T00:52:00.000-05:00

You already know I'm not shy when it comes to interracial dating. As I've said before, you can call me "Skittles" cuz ya girl does and will taste the rainbow, okay?

So understand when I say this I am clear that my Black chicas will not be feeling me cuz I'm speaking on their beloved Reggie Bush.

But let's be practical here, k?

Can you really be mad at him??
Go ahead. Click on the pic and enlarge it.
Again, I ask...

CAN YOU REALLY BE MAD AT HIM???
Dude is getting props from his locker room, goon squad, and any other envious hopefuls. The only ones I predict who will make this an issue are Black women (proud preservers of the African lineage) and ex Black Panthers.

Maybe I don't care cuz I was never into him?
Either way, the man has committed no crime according to the book of Pros and Cons.

Who cares if she's of moderate intelligence, lacking in accomplishments or doesn't practice a sexually discriminant lifestyle?

THIS is what she looks like and all of the aforementioned rank pretty high in the world of "No Permanence".

I'm just sayin'.

(If I had an example to flip the script I'd use it. But I can't mess with a dumb dude. I tried. Several times. I just can't.)

P.S.- Yes T.K., I blogged about it. I just don't see why the man should NOT be with her. And your ass wasn't trying to hear my point so I figured some visual evidence would make it a smidge clearer, lol. You should pick better celebs to swoon over. At least my Vince got with a doctor *wink*

Potential Energy

2007-12-27T23:56:00.000-05:00

Stealing glances
contemplating risk & chances
wishful thinking of romances
quiet talks and
slow dances. inside a silence like this
nerves scrambling
cuz of who we think we is
in this Now
not ever taking one step
to discover
in exploration of
our power to create
Next.

Wreckless Wrapping

2007-12-26T22:47:00.000-05:00

My gift-wrapping skills are at an all-time low.

For a while, it used to be a quiet talent of mine.

All of my corners lined up with the precision of a military salute. I never creased more than once. No air pockets. Flawless execution every time. It was very similar to my parking skills.

Believe or not, parking was my strength for a while (shut up). It was! I was a very dope parker in Drivers Ed. I couldn't drive for isht but I could park the helloutta those Fords! Parallel? Done. Parking space (with no do-overs)? I got that.

I was that good.

That was up until I learned how to drive ABOVE the speed limit. I would say I conquered that about 2 years ago:o) Since I've experienced what a good tap of the gas pedal can do, I've slacked a bit on the parking. Put it this way, you don't have to know the car I drove but if I showed you the row I parked in, you'd find me. Guaranteed. It beez like that sometimes!

Strange how that all works, no?

**Disclaimer: I am NOT a bad driver.
On the contrary, I'm a very good one. I just suck at parking.**

I went from "Did you pay for gift wrap?" status to a "Who did this?" fall from grace. Why? I could attribute it to being a slacker but what fun is that?? Instead, I'll justify myself with an explanation of how my focus is now on PURCHASING the gift to wrap instead of the gift wrapping.

Works for me.

(Sheeeeyit.)

HEE HEE

2007-12-09T23:04:00.001-05:00

Say whatchu want...

this isht was funny!

Krispy's Engaged!

2007-11-30T01:14:00.000-05:00

**I really hope that she doesn't read my blog cuz then I've gotta explain my super skills in acquiring this mucho cute-o couple photo**

CONGRATS KRISPY & WILL!!!

I am rarely this excited about matrimony.

Well, that's not true.
I'm rarely excited about it BEYOND my Hometeam's participation.

Namely because I either don't know the other person (well)...
or I just flat out don't like them.

But in this case I'm sooooooooooooo happy for you two!
I loooooove my Krispy and I definitely dig Will.
Very cool guy and it's all so peeeeerfect!

Can't wait until 8/9/08!

I don't care for L.A.
but that should prove my love, Krispy!

P.S.- "Krispy" is not on her birth certificate.

*As She's Not

2007-11-29T23:33:00.000-05:00

(I can smell the hater stamp coming straight for my forehead)

However....

I'm mad at Alicia Keys' new album. All that damn hype for THAT? Too through am I. I know she's all about soul music and whatnot, but let's keep it Crisco, shall we? She can't sing. She's what I like to call a "note holder". She can carry a tune. But I wouldn't put down the ketchup to hear her sing live. She belts notes (which we all know I'm a fan of) but it's not done like a true piper. She yells in key. If you reeeeally listen, you can hear her holding her breath as she does it. For real! Really listen to her next time.

I've never been 100% satisfied with any of her albums. Except the 1st one. I dug that. But is it just me or do all of her piano originals sound like pieces of songs you know from somewhere else? Like a soap opera melody or something you hear when you get put on hold.

Honestly, I could probably overlook all of it if the lyrical content was consistently on point. It wasn't. I get love and empowerment themes but I likes my lyrics with a little hotsauce. Stuff that may be a tad tacky or a tad risque but it's clever and honest at the same time, so you get over it.

Exhibit A: Amy Winehouse. Now we all know this drug fiend is a hot mess to look at (and sometimes hear live) but peep the"Stronger than Me" lyrics from her 2003 Frank album:

You should be stronger than me
You been here 7 years longer than me
Don't you know you supposed to be the man,
Not pale in comparison to who you think I am,

You always wanna talk it through - I don't care!
I always have to comfort you when I'm there
But that's what I need you to do - stroke my hair!
Cos' I've forgotten all of young love's joy,
Feel like a lady, but you my lady boy,

And Alicia's Superwoman lyrics from her 2007 As I Am album:

Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
Slave to humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

Look at the chorus again...WTF??
You sing dumb shit like that IN YOUR HEAD where it sounds hot.
You don't put it on albums to be taken seriously.

It's just so generic, watered-down, and cliche.

Feel me? Maybe not.
(Wouldn't be the first time, right? lol)

But I could've saved a good $6.00 on my $9.99 iTunes purchase...

and put it on that new Badu project.

Cuz Erykah does bugg out sometimes

but she always comes with that fiya!

(In my mind, one of the few GENUINE artists in music today.)

Whatchu think?

Dating the Musician

2007-11-28T00:02:00.000-05:00

What secrets hide in those saxophone notes?

A song played for me,

originally composed for she--

Your ode to a love now forsaken.

Buried in regret under

bricks of lament

for a loss to never

be replaced by

but vividly remembered
quietly

in your brow-furled...

cheek-puffed....

close-eyed....

B flat.

Bamboozling Beauty

2007-11-26T22:43:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen,
ya girl is (intentionally) growing face bushes.

I decided that my wayward eyebrow arch has gotten out of control and I want a new, matching, stronger shape for winter. I am quite particular about eyebrows (if you hadn't noticed from my 2nd post) so you can only imagine how shiteous I feel. I've upped the makeup game to compensate but it's far from effective.

Well, not really. I got strategic and I decided to play up the eyes to draw away attention from the face bushes. I was due for a new mascara so I decided to put my usual Lancome Hypnose mascara on hold and go for whatever my sister and this woman Mary use. Mary is like 50 years old and had lashes that looked like spider legs. I had to ask her "Are those real?" She confirmed and I replied "You have naturally long ones, huh? (p.s.-I hate you)." She insisted that she didn't and told me that it was this 2-step mascara she got from CVS that had a conditioner and then the mascara.

So I went to CVS. You know, not knowing exactly what the product was called or who made it, I soooo got the power of marketing. There I was, facing a wall of products, promises, and very expensively airbrushed promotional models. All I knew was "mascara", "2 steps", equals great lashes. Well how about 3 different brands made the same damn kind of mascara!?!? They were all priced the same with the same kinds of promises, so I was stuck.

Then I stepped back and looked at the models. Who's mascara would I use? Beyonce's? Kate Moss'? Halle Berry's? That girl who does the Victoria Secret stuff?

I went with the 40 year-old. Even though I'm sure the only Revlon she wears is for those pictures, I'll invest in the fantasy.

So I'm home. In the mirror. Ready to have spider leg lashes. I open the package and go to the white side which is the conditioner. I make sure I've got every lash coated with it and I wait a bit for it to dry. Then I open the black side to apply over the conditioner. About halfway into my left eye I think "I've been doing this for a minute now."

After all is said and done, I looked at the finished product and assessed the final results:

They really were jumping out in that sorta fake way.

But then I thought about it...

BETWEEN THE TWO APPLICATIONS THAT WAS LIKE 7 COATS OF MASCARA!

So I sat back with the realization that I had been hookwinked, bamboozled, and led astray. This wasn't some magic mascara! It was a clever ploy just to have me to put more of it on!

They got me.

And my $9.87 too.

(Bastards.)

Crankin' 4 Votes!

2007-11-14T00:21:00.000-05:00

You know....

when I saw this clip I suddenly got a politically genius idea:

Mr. Obama should crank it at every appearance on his campaign trail
because I don't think there is one person in America who doesn't know this dance.

One nation...
Under God...
indivisible...
and Crankin' It for all.

The Soulja Boy isn't hood.
It's American.

(Road) Trippin' with Persh (aka Sissa P)

2007-11-13T22:21:00.000-05:00

(She is so gonna throw a tantrum when she reads this, but it's my blog so DEAL!)

While driving to Panera Bread on my lunch break today, one of my favorite Car-e-oke songs came on-- Hoobastank's "The Reason". You get to yell the whole time and it's a lot of fun...well, at least it is for me and Sissa P (That's her rapping name. I talked her out of Pimpin' P.). Persh and I have our own sisterly bond and if we forget you're there you'll see what I mean.

For example, if we're in the car and one of our classic Car-e-oke songs comes on you will see us act a fool. Know this. Any song where people belt out the lyrics, me and Persh are right there , squinting our eyes with our heads swaying, and clasping our hearts with clinched fists to capture the emotion. As a matter of fact, a few years back when we threatened to be crunk artists, we came up with great songs inspired by our times on the road. Our first hit was going to be called "Debris" (you have to pronounce the 's'). The hook was something like "Debris is in the skreets/so we gotta switch lanes/we gangsta so no blinkers/boo, this is not a game..." something like that.

But our crown jewel was "Jelly on My Jeans" (inspired by Project Pat's "Gel and Weave"-- yes, it's a real song). We only made a verse and a chorus but it went something like this,

Chorus: Jelly on my jeans (I got) Jelly on my jeans I tried to keep it clean but I got jelly on my jeans

Verse:
I'm on my way to work/I'm already late/ I'm hungry as a mugg so you know they gotta wait/ I order me a biscuit/and some hashbrowns/I get out my money cuz I'm rets to throw down/ I pull up to the window/she gave me my juice/she passed me my food and I threw her the deuce/ I looked in my bag/she said, "Oh pardon me. Would you like some jelly?"/I said "Ummm, yes please." / I put it on my biscuit/as quick as a snap/but as soon as I bit it jelly fell in my lap

Yeah. We had plans to make a whole album.

The album was called "Hollatchoboo Records presents: Sissa P and Juicy J: Khakis and Keds: Suburban Streets,Vol I" cuz there's nothing more trill than khaki pants and Keds sneakers (the overuse of the colon was my idea:o). We have to represent the streets we come from-- the suburban streets. You have to watch your back, cuz you never know when the Fed (Ex truck) will knock on your door.

And don't let us have an H.O.V. lane opportunity! Cuz as soon as one of us sees it we throw up the sign and yell, "Hoooooooooooov!" Passersby cars either think we are the super Roc-a-Fella fans we're not or some real hype chicks from Delta Sigma Theta.

Sissa P also sends more random text messages than I do. (Okay, that's not true but she's close.) Sometimes I'll make fun of her because she has the physical strength of a man (and I clearly don't). I gave her a warrior name "Second Son" to use in times of asinine jest.

Then one day I get:
{If we were a part of a tribe n africa during the slave trade, they wouldn't sell u because of ur weak wrists}

We both like Buddha babies. So while in the store one day, she finds one she likes, takes a pic, and makes a request:

{I want a Mexican baby! }

I came home late a few nights in a row and she texts:
{I honestly don't know what 2 do. U don't come home. U don't call when ur going 2 be out late. Is there someone else?}
To which I replied:
{What, lol?? Go to sleep! It's 2 am psycho!}
Her response:
{I suppose. I am just trying to make this house a home that's all}

She even sends texts in life-threatening moments:
{OMG! Mommy farted n the car. I almost died. I saw a white light 4 a sec no lie}

Then she can be reeeally sweet:
{Raise ur hand if you have the bestest-stist sister n the history of earth.}
After I ignored her, she replied:
{Both of mine r up boo}

See what I mean?

Y'all thought I was bad, huh?

She's a little more rough around the edges than I am but she is HILLARIOUS! I'm not funny but SHE IS PURE COMEDY! Brother Airbender swears we act just like those girls off of "Run's House".

I don't see it at all but maybe the crackpipe is in my hand and I need to take a step back .

Love my Persh!
(even if she did get all the cleavage...)

Reasons, Seasons, and Revolving Doors

2007-11-06T22:58:00.000-05:00

Wow. I really went a whole month without a single post.

Time management isn't something that I can say is a strength right now. And while other things aren't exactly "handled" either, I assert that I'm finally coming around... sort of. I still owe a whole bunch of folks calls and emails I'm sure.

I'll get it together.
(eventually)

You know, the last 24 hours has occurred like a revolving door-- Someone came in and someone left, almost simultaneously. Yesterday afternoon, my homeboy who (very typical of his begrudging ass zodiac sign) I hadn't talked to in a while called me up from his new cell number to reconnect and say what's up. It was definitely a welcomed surprise and we chatted for a while.

Then I remembered that today is my other homeboy's birthday so I called him on my way in to work. Now he and I don't speak very frequently. As a matter of fact, I believe there's a 3-4 conversation max per year (in total compliment to that same begrudging ass zodiac sign. Coincidence? I think not.) But I still value him regardless of it all, so I roll with it.

Anyway, I call him up and to my surprise I hear,

"The PCS telephone number you have just dialed has been temporarily disconnected. Please try your call another time."

HUH??

Dude changed his number and didn't even let me know??

I definitely went in my head about it. At first I genuinely thought he didn't pay his phone bill. But then, knowing his ass, I went with the "He changed his phone number." because that would allow more suffering and room to be an offended victim (lol).

I was thinking to myself,

"How can he not tell me? He must not want me to know.
Why wouldn't he want me to know? Maybe he wasn't thinking about it cuz we don't talk that much? But still! I always hit his ol' sorry ass up on his birthday. Damn, it's really like THAT? What the hell did I do to him to not be in the loop? That's some foul isht. Why wouldn't he give me his new number? We must not be as cool as I thought we were. I guess it was one-sided friendship. Damn, that's foul. I wonder how long this is has been. Months could've gone by! I can't believe he did that!"

On and on and on...

Now honestly? I have no idea what the deal is. But I saw how quick I went to make it about me and how willing I was to make sure it was invalidating as well. Maybe he didn't pay his bill, maybe he did change the number, and yes, maybe he doesn't want me to have his new number... or not. Either way, it is what it is and whatever soap opera I create doesn't make him accessible (even if it is for a birthday wish). You know, right after I sat with that thought, I remembered something from way back about people being in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Well...

Winter is coming.

(P.S. Happy birthday, T.D.!)

Shawty & Isht

2007-09-24T22:43:00.000-04:00

I am not above ignorant music.

I can roll with a lot of it. Do I seek it out? Nah. But if I come across something I like, I might get it. I say all this to say that I heard the most offensive song on the radio today. I have nothing against self expression and freedom of speech. What artists want to put on their albums is their call and their business. But to release some craziness like this on the RADIO???? That's a whole different level of wrong. This ignorant ass by the name of Plies did a song with T-Pain called "Shawty" that straight up embarrassed the hell out of me. I was so ashamed.

It was like 3 o'clock in the afternoon and this absolute filth was playing on the Top 40 station like it was Gwen Stefani song. Things went from bad to worse when I realized it was playing on the White Top 40 station because I just cringed at the thought of any Becky or Matt thinking this isht was cool. Even worse, I was thinking of the kids just getting out of school and how accessible this was to them when they just want to tune in to hear the new Ciara song. Then I got to thinking about all the little boys that are discovering/experimenting with sex, and where stuff like this can take it (not to mention the ignorant azz conversations with their fool friends and relatives who could probably write the songs themselves). I was all messed up.

I know this is nothing new. There's always a new song that pushes things a little bit further. But this was just too far for me. And all the young and dumb parents that wouldn't even change the station if it came on? And then there's all the dumb hoes who will hear this crap like its flattering like "That's me! That's me!"

*sigh* I'm getting worked up again, so I'll go sit down somewhere.

But I just had to say something.

No blame.

Just outrage and shame.

Shawty Lyrics

"Shawty"[Intro: Plies]What's Happenin Homie Dis Ya Boy Plies Man Hey Pain Tell 'em Bout Your Shawty Ima Tell Em Bout Mine [Chorus: T-Pain] Even Though I'm Not Your Man, You Not My Girl Ima Call You My (Shawty) Cause I Can't Stand To See You Treated Bad I Beat His Ass For My (Shawty) And We Ain't Did Nothin That We Ain't Supposed To Do Cause You My (Shawty) Babygirl You Know I Be Home, Keep Me On The Ringtone (Shawty) Sing It To Me Girl [Verse 1: Plies] Soon As I Seen Her, Shit Told Her I'd Pay For It Lil Mama The Baddest Thing 'round Here & She Already Know It I Pointed At The Dick & Told Her This Supposed To Be Yours Showed Her A Couple Stacks & Told Her I'd Let Her Blow It The Hottest Nigga In The City Baby You Can't Ignore It I Showed Her I Was A Real Nigga & She Went For It First Time I Caught Her Shit, She Aint Even Know How To Throw It Back Now She An Animal, I Got Her Sex Game Right I Taught Her How To Talk To Me While She Take Pipe & Opened Her Up & Showed Her What A Real Nigga Like I Told Her I Don't Usually Do This, I Don't F**k On The First Night Cause After I Beat Ya Baby I'm Liable To F**k Up Ya Whole Life I Gotta Train Her, Now She Suck Me With Ice I Call Her My Lil Bust It Baby Cause She Keep It Tight Whenever I Tell Her To Bust, Aint Gotta Tell Her Twice Whenever I Wanna Get Off She Know How To Get Me Right [Chorus: T-Pain] Even Though I'm Not Your Man, You Not My Girl Ima Call You My (Shawty) Cause I Can't Stand To See You Treated Bad I Beat His Ass For My [Shawty lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com](Shawty) And We Aint Did Nothin That We Ain't Supposed To Do Cause You My (Shawty) Babygirl You Know I Be Home, Keep Me On The Ringtone (Shawty) Sing It To Me Girl [x2:] Whoa W-W-Whoa Whoa Whoa Whooooa Whoa Whoa Whoa W-W-Whoa Shawtyyyyy [Verse 2: Plies] I Love To Show Her Off, Cause All The Dope Boys Want Her Know Why They Wanna Beat Badly, Look At All That Ass On Her Look How That Pussy Sit Up In Them Shorts, You Gotta Want Her Love When She Act Like She Bo-Legged & Bend The Corner She Proud To Be F**kin Me, Cause I'm Stuntin On 'em It Feel Good To Be F**kin A Real Nigga Don't'uh Aint Called Her In 2 Days, Gotta Let Her Mind Wonder But When She Miss Me, She Call To Tell Me To Jump On Her Thats Why I Don't Mind Breakin Her Off, Cause She Aint With The Drama If You Done Ripped Her Before, You Know How To Cuff Lil Mama You Know She Gotta Be Somethin, Cause I Done Beat Her Under Im Baby Snatchin, I'm Tellin Ya, I Promise I Exposed Her To Real, & Now She Hate Lame Member She Used To Run From Me, Now She Like Pain She Call Me Sometimes Just To Ask Is It Her Thing Ever Since I Ran Up In Shawty She Ain't Been The Same [Chorus: T-Pain] Even Though I'm Not Your Man, You Not My Girl Ima Call You My (Shawty) Cause I Can't Stand To See You Treated Bad I Beat His Ass For My (Shawty) And We Aint Did Nothin That We Ain't Supposed To Do Cause You My (Shawty) Babygirl You Know I Be Home, Keep Me On The Ringtone (Shawty) Sing It To Me Girl [x2:] Whoa W-W-Whoa Whoa Whoa Whooooa Whoa Whoa Whoa W-W-Whoa Shawtyyyyy

New World Order

2007-09-23T22:06:00.001-04:00

I am not politically savvy, nor do I claim to be. I don't have a lot of ideas and resolutions for the world's problems, nor am I searching for them.

However....

ya girl has STRUCK GOLD! I have single-handedly managed to solve two national issues that plague our country: Fat-Assedness and low Female Social Value.

#1. Whether you are thick, chunky, big, big-boned, overweight, fat, or obese, (and you don't like it) I have exactly what you need. Even if you have a few vanity pounds you want to shed, you should come to me. Why? Because I'm a genius with an answer. My answer? Bottled food allergies. How cool would it be to say "I'm sorry but I can't eat this. I'm allergic to deserts." and MEAN IT??? How cool would it be to give into your gluttony with hell to pay that goes way beyond guilt or frustration? (Note:The allergic reactions will vary from nausea, vomiting, rashes, and swollen body parts.) Oh yes, you will learn not to eat what your brain thinks and mouth speaks!

#2. Okay my second resolve is for females only. You know, sometimes we just catch a whole lotta bullshit from men for one reason, and one reason only: They can. Even the "nice guys" can be assholes these days! Now as much as that may suck, I honestly don't blame them. It's a temptation that's too easy to pass up. A guy who's got this or that going for himself is very clear that he's a hot commodity in most demographics. And because we females grossly outnumber them (globally!), why would you not consider and/or pursue switching up your options if the one you're with is getting on your nerves? It's too easy and too convenient! And being the lazy dater that I am, the convenience factor is HUGE for me, so I can understand that. Anyhoo, (hetero) ladies I have a resolve.

I've created something to ensure that we are appreciated not just for who we are, our talents, and default fabulousness. My invention focuses on one factor and one factor only: we have vaginas and they don't! My answer? Population control! Every 10 years, the government sprinkles my top secret Boys Only drug into every batch of McDonald's french fries, Subway bread loaf, and something really healthy at Whole Foods. This top secret Boys Only drug drives up the male population by making sure every zygote evolves with whatever DNA necessary to make sure that little embryo/fetus comes with a penis.

With less women around, our stock skyrockets just for being born! How wonderfully effortless is that?? With women being the new commodity, there will be crazy competition now to get with the woman who doesn't have any teeth. Age and aesthetics almost become irrelevant! You don't have to be Demi Moore to get an Ashton! All men have to step their game up or go gay. Every woman is treated like a Bently, Benz, BMW, or Porshe. No hoopties.

And especially for women like me who are turned off by any exaggerated effort to mix-and-mingle with the men (i.e. getting dolled up beyond what I like to look like and having to "be nice"), this is a perfect situation. We can now leave the house looking like whatever, say whatever, and it not be a problem for ANYONE! Men will be THAT happy that you're breathing the same air! You can't lose! Little to no effort necessary!

(Note to lesbians: I didn't say this plan was perfect. I know y'all get the short end of this stick but I'm working on it. Until then, I need y'all to be team players for 20 years. Gimme 20 years!)

Watch out White House!

I have a big family and we can put every one of those empty rooms to use!

The Mighty Mighty O'Jays

2007-09-19T23:42:00.001-04:00

Ya'll.

My favorite, #1, can't-get-no-better-than-them Old School band of all time is coming to town next week. Lawd, the Mighty Mighty O'Jays will be here on the 29th and am soooo excited! I love old school music but the O'Jays??? That's just on another level.

Put it this way, the O'Jays are one of the two incentives that I have to get married before menopause. I have declared that they WILL be performing at my reception (dammit). So actually, let me revise that. There's only one incentive to be married before menopause: death.

The death of my folks and death of the O'Jays.

That's it.

To understand the greatness of this group, you don't have to look very far, long, or hard. The O'Jays have stood the test of time for a reason--- they are f'ing DOPE!!! The vocals, the lyrics, the precision of their dancesteps...*sigh* it gets no better. Walter is just smooth. He's got that (cha)'risma, you know? He's like the Billy Dee Williams. The cold blooded, whoop yo ass in a game of pool without raising an eyebrow, Hennesy-drinking cool cat.

Then there's Eddie Levert. The passion. The one that will inject the gut-filled emotion into any song like a flu shot. The sincerity is just there. You can't deny the fact that it's obvious that he means every word. (I have no comment for the new guy. Nothing against Youngblood but he should just consider himself blessed and keep Eddie and Walter doing what they do.)

One of the best gifts I ever got was a pair of tickets to see them for my 21st birthday. (This was back in the day when I didn't celebrate it, lol) But let me tell you, I acted a damn fool. Yes, I was the youngest person in there and I knew every word to every song (and you know that says a lot with my lyrical handicap!)!

Y'all. I had one of those overwhelming fanatical reactions that I didn't think I was capable of, lol. I sure learned that night! Live orchestra band...great harmony...fantastic music...soulful energy...it was soooooo great.

The O'Jays aren't out to simply entertain you with their talents; they wanna have a conversation. Let me tell you, if you're ever feeling hoodwinked, led astray, or bamboozled? Talk to the O'Jays. Feeling played by the boss, professor, homeboy, or yourself? Talk to the O'Jays. If you just wanna vibe on a no-bullshit wave, just talk to the O'Jays. And as much as I love them I don't even listen to them often. I can't. I take them too seriously. I also noticed that I never mix their songs into a playlist. Ever. I can't! Sitting down to an O'Jays album, I know my mood is going to shift to something intense. I go all kinds of places in my mind and sometimes I get emotional. The music is just that beautiful to me...they even covered my favorite old school song of all time "Wildflower" (The New Birth version).

*sigh*

Am I going to the show?

No.

But that's okay because I'm clear that I couldn't appreciate the way I would want to.

But I damn sure appreciate the greatness that is the O'Jays!

So great:o)

Tales from 'Tasia

2007-09-19T07:44:00.000-04:00

Somebody give this chick a gig cuz she is TOO funny!

Smackeroos

2007-09-14T00:16:00.000-04:00

I purchased an extra bag of this fantastic trail mix from Trader Joe's just for my boss. Yes, it was a kind gesture but it was really because I'm sick of sharing mine.

I regret that shit with all my heart. Know this.

If I only knew that she chews like a cow, I would've found a more silent gift...like those Listerine tongue strips.

There's just something about loud eaters that unnerves me. When people smack on their food, something inside me goes wacky. I automatically lose my focus and become fixated on an immediate, tactful solution. After a while, my imagination retreats to violent solutions like asphyxiation or lip-stapling.

I have been this way for years and have yet to master ignoring it. I can't. It lures me in only to shut down my concentration and ignite my angst.

And so I must.

Yes, I must.

Tomorrow, I must ask for some trail mix and consume 80% of whatever is left in the bag.

Don't judge me.

Some actions are necessary.

Shirley "Nana" Johnson!

2007-09-05T00:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my father's birthday!!!!

(Yay, Daddy! Happy _ _ th/rd/st!!!)

Honestly, I don't know how old he is but either way, he's one year older as of 9/4/07! (Happy Berfday one mo' gin, Papa Bear!) Today, is my Nana's birthday (Daddy's mom). I learned this year that she passed about two years ago. I know that sounds weird (especially considering she died while I was holding her hand), but I really blanked out time. I couldn't remember if it was hot or cold outside. I couldn't remember what time of the year it was. I really tried to mark that day in time and I just couldn't go from any sensory memory files in the back of my mind.

I loooooooooved my Nana. She had the biggest heart with the fiestiest spirit. I loved that combination! She would give you the shirt off her back but if you fukk around and lose a few books in spades, you will remember it. (I learned my lesson!) Nana was so much FUN to be around! And man could she COOK! I was shocked to learn that she never cooked from a recipe. Never. I remember asking her, "How do you know when it's done?" To which she replied, "Taste it."

While we had that very distinct difference between us, one thing we definitely had in common is that we rarely meet strangers:o) When she moved to Atlanta from North Carolina for her chemo treatments, I would go to those veteran soldier places to play Bingo with her. Naturally, I was the youngest person in there but we had a BALL (and would lose every time, lol)! She'd introduce me to random folks like she'd known them for YEARS. And she had quite the following too, lol. Many people would come up to her and they would talk about their families together with such love and pride. I'd sit there and chuckle to myself cuz I know she probably didn't even know those people's last names. But it didn't matter. She loved them anyway.

I still cry when I think about her for too long.

Part of it is anger. I'm angry because I wanted her to be here to share more of my Life happenings. I'm also angry about how she died. You know, cancer is one ugly disease. The way it can errode a lifeline is just downright disgusting. I don't feel like it was fair but I know it's ridiculous to say that. She was a kind person, so something a little less harsh and a little more comforting:That's the kind of death Nana deserved. Sometimes I feel like God uses certain people's death to make a point. And this one more example that I didn't appreciate. There are plenty of hateful ass people in the world to have what she did. But so be it. It's done.

Most of my tears, however, are because I miss her. I know that all I can do is cry and laugh with the memories I have... and sometimes it's enough.

"Sometimes".

Love you, Nana!

Celebrity High: Cheat Wisely

2007-08-29T23:08:00.000-04:00

Let's say you're taking a test that decides whether or not you graduate. You aren't ready and it's time to either prepare to fail or cheat to win. You decide to cheat. You've got 50 Cent on your left and Beyonce on your right....

Whose test do you cheat from???

Beyonce:

50 Cent:

"G" is for graduation.

Remember that.

Fox Killing

2007-08-25T13:52:00.000-04:00

The Hollyhoodness that is Vivica A. Fox... (Yes, that would be her hairline UNDER the headband)

... recently celebrated her 43rd last week.

Not a fan.

But I will give her props because there was one moment in time that I did like her. It was one scene in a movie that I was (and still am) too punk to finish. Remember this?

Very thorough.

No stunt double either.

Quite impressive, no?

Loving My People

2007-08-24T06:03:00.000-04:00

For some reason, this week was the week of "Hometeam Reconnection". Starting on Sunday, I have talked to, and had really great conversations with, friends that I haven't talked to in a while. As coincidental as it all seemed, it has definitely had an impact on my week:o) It's easy to assuage rough workdays with an ongoing, love-ladden happy melody playing undisturbed in the background.

I LOVE MY PEOPLE!!!

I just wanted to say that.

I know a lot of great people.

I'll try not to brag but I really do:o)

Cinderfellaz

2007-08-13T23:41:00.000-04:00

You know what?

I think I've unintentionally figured something out.

This kid came into the office and put an advanced movie screening flyer on everyone's desk this afternoon. I picked it up. Samuel Jackson and Josh Hartnett (yum!) in a boxing movie called "Resurrecting the Champ".

Pass.

Another sports movie???

How many football teams can you watch win "the big game"?

How many basketball movies can you watch before the slow-motioned-beat-the-buzzer-game-point-shot-that-cinches-the-victory loses it's appeal?

How many damn baseball teams can go from zeros to heros with a couple of great locker-room speeches?

How many boxing movies can you see before you're able to truly convince yourself that whatever K.O. experienced is NOT the final match?

How do people get to keep making movies like this??? How do you pitch yet another sports movie to a studio with confidence????

"I've got an idea for a movie."

"About what?"

"Baseball."

" What's the spin?"

"The main character is from Wyoming."

"I love it! Let's put 20 million behind it. Somebody cut this kid a check..."

It's sooooooo old.

But to the men that watch them they aren't.

You know why?

Cuz sports movies are to men what chick flicks are for women. I know that statement will turn off a lot of testerone but it's true. It's the same Cinderella story only with jock straps and jerseys: some person with "potential" goes from invisible to undeniable. Whether it's a devil wearing Prada or Sly Stalone beating the snot out of somebody, it's the same doggone thing.

Ya'll thought y'all were slick too, huh?

(Ha!)

We want to be Pretty Woman just like y'all wanna win the Superbowl.

(Although our movies are usually centered around getting the guy

and y'alls movies are about winning the championship

AND getting the girl.)

So ladies...

the next time they have something to say when you wanna watch your chick flick IN PEACE...

you know exactly which card to play;o)

Muscle Man

2007-08-07T22:32:00.000-04:00

I think I caught a potential stalker y'all.

I say "potential" cuz I have a lot of Court TV training under my belt.
(I'm a recovering junkie. I'm okay with admitting it.)

I met him on Friday and our brief exchange was enough to pass my "Give Him a Chance" test: he wasn't hard to look at and he didn't do/say anything that offended me. In my law of rationale, that's good enough for a first date. So I gave him my number. Besides, I've come to realize that people will always cancel themselves out anyway. No energy lost on my end at all.

(Lawd....)

I got my first call from him around 8:30 this morning. This is before I become human, BEFORE I can see straight (I hadn't acquired my 4th bruise yet), and BEFORE my English is comprehensible. I don't know what all was said but I remember intending to call him back on my drive in to work. A few WTFs later, I decided to not demonize him because "some people are just early risers".

(Sheeeyit.)

So I call him back. Come to find out, he was leaving the gym around the time he called me. We chat. For some reason, I'm straining my brain trying to remember what this guy really looks like because his b*tch a** voice didn't match the muscular 6-footer I thought I talked to.

So we're talking and in a typical getting-to-know-you type manner he asks "So what do you like to do for fun?" It's a necessary question, I guess, but for some reason it's always irked the crap outta me. I answer. Then (of course) in typical getting-to-know-you fashion, I ask him the same question. To which he replied, "Oh I like to work out and go to movies."

((Whoaaa...pump brakes homie!))

"Really?" I say. "You like to work out? How often do you go to the gym?"

"Oh about 6 days a week."

Oh HELL naw! I don't dig beefcakes. Dude is doing nothing but lifting weights in front of a mirror 6 days a week like it's that hotness. I could understand if there was a PURPOSE to his gym membership, like health or maybe intramural sports, but no. Homie is straight up doing it for vainglory. No athleticism required whatsoever. Major turnoff.

He might as well be from Alabama.

Oh and check this out. Where is he from? Cali-forn-i-a!

Once revealed I quickly follow up with "What part?"

"Oakland."

"Oh okay." Luckily, I'm still holding out for an Oakland experience so I rolled with it.

Well our 15-minute chat ends with potential plans for the weekend, and now I'm about an hour and a half into my morning workload when my cell rings. It's Muscle Man. "Why is he calling me? Did he forget to ask something?" I didn't pickup to preserve my momentum.

Out of sheer curiosity 20 minutes later, I check the voicemail. "Hey, it's me. I just wanted to see if you got into work okay." Now I know the gesture was meant to be sweet and kind, but I didn't hang up saying "Awwww!". What I remember thinking was "This is NOT allowed to become a habit." But I shook it off cuz I get what his intention was.

Fine.

30 minutes later, a text message from Muscle Man: {Busy?}

"Is he serious???", I said out loud. {Yes. Very.} I replied.

So after a couple more text exchanges, Muscle Man goes away and I regain my focus.

Please tell me why Muscle Man text me AGAIN on my lunch break around 3pm?????

M.M. {Busy?}
Me {At lunch}
M.M. {How's lunch?}
Me {Tasty}
M.M. {You're silly but it's cute}
Me {Only when I'm not hungry. Then I become Queen B.}
M.M. {That's hot!}
Me {So is Hell.}

I was trying to be subtle and he wasn't catching on.

So I stopped responding.

Tell me what happens around 8:30 p.m.? That's right! You guessed it! A call from Muscle Man!

"I'm still at work." I say flatly after I answer, which was true. "I'll have to call you later."

"Okay." He says.

And for the grand finale...

guess what happens around 9:15 pm?

Yes!

Yet ANOTHER text from Muscle Man!

{Goodnite!}

Dude, you have no f*kk'n idea...

Fifty and FIERCE!

2007-08-05T16:26:00.000-04:00

Now this is what I'm talking about...Robin C. Brooks:
52 years-old and FLY!

(As stated in Vogue magazine's 2007 August issue:)
Robin Brooks, 52, chairman and CEO of Brooks Food Group At 52, she has gorgeous, unlined skin and a body most 25-year-olds would kill for. But there is a strength and a presence that go well beyond the clothes and the car and the immaculate grooming, beyond the gold-and-diamond Cartier Tank Française watch and the vintage gold Cartier bangles and the pretty pear-shaped topaz held by a thin gold chain at the nape of her neck. Call it glamorous gravitas, and it attracts not just attention but respect.

Self-maintained, successful, and making it look GOOD at the same time.

This right here is what all of my current vanity is for: future options.

I don't give a damn about how attractive I am considered at my age right now. If you ask me, this is the way nature designed it and it means absolutely NOTHING.
I'm young.
Time is on my side at the moment.

But to be considered such at 40 and 50-years old???
THAT is when women need to pat themselves on the back!

Think back to high school or college when certain people were considered to be "It" factors.
Then a few years later, you run into them at the grocery store and find yourself trying to mask your disappointing shock of their downfall. Some folks just aesthetically peak early, which is unfortunate.

But for the late bloomers?
We have an edge, lol.

Okay, that sounded really f*kked up but it's what I think.

One day, I tell ya...

one day:o)

E-RANTS AND INSIGHTS

DVF is a GENIUS!!

Louis Vuitton is that Black Crack

Pitch Black Thoughts in Hurricane Rain

New Year, New Hair...

'Tis the Season of Messed up Music

Dumbassedness Doom

My Pippi Longstocking Shit

White People Appreciation Week

Hospital Horror

***It's All GOOD!!***

Negroes/Coloreds/Black Folks Who Get it RIGHT

*** Give Us the GAME!***

Junkie Tales

Chemistry Ain't Everything

***UPDATE: I did it!***

***Background Hype***

***Chasing Pirates***

***Embracing Beauties***

A Dash of Creativity...Please?

"The Black Jesus Child"

*** The Fault of Facebook***

*** ....***

***Beatboxing Chick***

***Cheers to the One***

***Guess Who's Coming Over***

***Canine Salvation***

Ready for YOUR Close-Up??

***Peep This***

***Untitled***

An Adult Celebration

***I Dig This Song***

A Pretty Ugly Reality

***Chopped & Screwed***

Seasons Change

***ROFL!!***

What's Really Good!?!

***After-School Specials***

***Get it Together, Michelle!***

*singing* I Said We're Moving on Uuuuup!

***Costume Confusion***

Let's Talk

Watch more The Real Housewives of Orange County videos on AOL Video

***Real Housewives in Atlanta?***

***Debbie Siebers is the Devil***

Opinionated Truths

***Charise Pempengco***

I'm Back B*tches!

***Boasting 'Bout Badu***

The Unassuming Maneater

My Bubble: One Long Ass Analogy

***Extreme Soccer***

Ain't That About A...

2007: A Year in Review

Some Wednesday WTF

***A Love Tilt***

Ho's Have Upsides

***Potential Energy***

***Wreckless Wrapping***

HEE HEE

***Krispy's Engaged!***

***As She's Not **

***Dating the Musician***

Bamboozling Beauty

***Crankin' 4 Votes!***

(Road) Trippin' with Persh (aka Sissa P)

Reasons, Seasons, and Revolving Doors

***Shawty & Isht***

New World Order

***The Mighty Mighty O'Jays***

***Tales from 'Tasia***

***Smackeroos***

Shirley "Nana" Johnson!

***Celebrity High: Cheat Wisely***

***Fox Killing***

***Loving My People***

***Cinderfellaz***

Muscle Man

Fifty and FIERCE!

It's All GOOD!!

* Give Us the GAME!*

UPDATE: I did it!

Background Hype

Chasing Pirates

Embracing Beauties

* The Fault of Facebook*

* ....*

Beatboxing Chick

Cheers to the One

Guess Who's Coming Over

Canine Salvation

Peep This

Untitled

I Dig This Song

Chopped & Screwed

ROFL!!

After-School Specials

Get it Together, Michelle!

singing I Said We're Moving on Uuuuup!

Costume Confusion

Real Housewives in Atlanta?

Debbie Siebers is the Devil

Charise Pempengco

Boasting 'Bout Badu

Extreme Soccer

A Love Tilt

Potential Energy

Wreckless Wrapping

Krispy's Engaged!

*As She's Not

Dating the Musician

Crankin' 4 Votes!

Shawty & Isht

The Mighty Mighty O'Jays

Tales from 'Tasia

Smackeroos

Celebrity High: Cheat Wisely

Fox Killing

Loving My People

Cinderfellaz