Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Expression Suppression?

I have a tendency to use trivial happenings as an excuse to vent and emote larger concerns, fears, and frustrations.  

Take today, for example.  I had my first appointment with the surgeon that would be removing a 13 cm cyst from my ovary.  I had no emotional reaction other than "Aww hell!", "Seriously???", "It's HOW BIG again?", and "Fuuuuuuuuuukkkkkk!" I was just focused on getting that sucker out so I could enjoi my Independence Day travel to Greece and Turkey (something I have been looking forward to since October!).

So I'm in the waiting room.  All of a sudden my mind starts racing and panic slowly starts to seep in.  Then my imagination took over.  I went from thinking about every current disappointing upset and frustration in my life to giving everyone else in the waiting room a death certificate.  I couldn't stop thinking "They're all going to die in a year." Isn't that awful? Well, thinking that depressed the shit outta me and by the time I was sitting in the room getting my blood pressure taken, I was sobbing.  Luckily, the nurse didn't ask "Are you okay?" (I hate that question.  Clearly, I'm having a moment that I'm not inviting you to be a part of.  Get the memo and move on.  Sometimes, I have to just go through stuff.  Answering your question isn't helping me so don't get involved.)



I know it was a combination of things.  It always is.  And the tipping point is always something  that's (in truth) stupid and irrelevant, but on the surface seems like I'm just being a sensitive female.  I remember getting a sweet birthday card one year that sent me to the bathroom to cry my eyes out.  Was I crying because of the card? For the first .32 seconds, perhaps.  The real reason? I was tight on funds, worried about school, pissed at one of my homies, and this guy I liked wouldn't "act right".

It's nothing I'm intentionally doing.  I have nothing against crying.

I cry at super kind & generous acts of love all the time.

But it'd be cool to have a timely because-of-what-just-happened-in-that-moment cry of frustration, (instead of everything else that happened right before).

Just once:-)

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?