Monday, April 30, 2007

The Luck Runneth Over

I just couldn't seem to find the good side of the bed last week. Every A.M. disposition was this ongoing metamorphosis of Cranky to Whiny, Whiny to B*tchy, B*tchy to Mean-Muggin' Stank, and I think I stopped at Don't Breathe in My Air. It beez like that sometimes. Don't go saint on me cuz you know you've done it too, lol. Anyhoo, it was during this pre-menstrual week that I came to a for-the-moment conclusion about the majority of the rich, "successful" types out in the world: Those mofos just got LUCKY.

My father has ingrained in my head (among other things) that,
"There's no such thing as luck. 'Luck' is preparation meeting opportunity."
And I still think it's valid. HOWEVER...

I can't think of anyone who represents our general view of iconic success (i.e. the Oprah, Bill Gates, and Donald Trumps of America) who planned to have exactly what they have right now. The way I see it, they simply did something and that shit turned out. Granted, that doesn't invalidate anything -the success or accomplishments- but it sure doesn't make their words of wisdom any greater than the fabulousness you can find in a fortune cookie. (And I have found GOLD in between the folds of those tasteless wafers!)

I figure they had a vision of something they wanted that had them move in a direction that introduced them to the opportunity to do what they did to have what they have now (say that 3 times outloud, lol). But you can't tell me that Oprah knew she would be sitting on a few million dollars (let alone billion) one day by doing her talk show in the 80's. I'm just looking at how these icons write books that we buy like they are the gospel. Not only the autobiographies but the "How To Be Like Me" ones (which are usually the same thing). You know, the ones written with indirect emulation instructions.

What's the difference between the (unintentional) high fashion model and the dental assistant who could be one?

One was "discovered" and one wasn't?

Isn't that luck?

I'm wondering where the true line of demarcation lies between Bill and Oprah and any other person working hard towards living off their dream or interest. As I've learned, most people I know personally who are currently "successful" didn't even start out doing what they now do. A great portion of them didn't even THINK about the industry they're in. They all seem to have fell into it somehow. Either it was the only job they could get at the time...they were doing someone a favor...some head honcho randomly descended from his/her corner office and said "You!"...a friend made a've heard the stories. What is it? Hard work? Planning? Perseverance? Discipline? Predestination? All of the above?

Or do they use the aforementioned to justify or explain their luck?

Thursday, April 26, 2007

***Gas gods***

Someone needs to tap the gas gods on the shoulder and tell them to cut this shit out.
Jumping $.12/gallon in less than 24 hours is neither cute nor comedy.

Greedy bastards.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

***What Do You Say?***

Y'all. I watched this and I couldn't BREATHE, TALK, or STOP CRYING from laughing so damn hard. There are just sooooo many things that make this the comedy that it is. I don't even have to speak on it. Homegirl has said ENOUGH. Peep how she "educates" us from her past experiences (that she doesn't claim of course, lol). I love it, lol.


And had the nerve to throw in "da Lawd" at the end!

Just classic.

Okay, so apparently this chick knows she's crazy and has no problem promoting it. I'm not as humored anymore (the clownery ruined it) but it'll go for some shock value. Ciao:o)

Monday, April 23, 2007

***Bloody Catholic Baptism***

(Only because I'm sure she doesn't read my blog will I tell you this...)

So today Persh calls to tell me about this weird dream she had last night. Mind you, the last time she called me about a dream, I had lice in my hair.

In a nutshell, she was baptized in a Catholic church by Eddie Murphy in blood.

What that means, me not know. HOWEVER, because my interested was piqued, I went to a source I discovered when a friend of mine had a weird dream. He's called "The Dream Doctor" and he has a live radio show up in Vermont or New Hampshire where he'll interpret your dreams for free from 9pm-1am eastern time.

I just gave her the number.

(I'll let you know what he says, lol.)


P.S.- What's really not cool is that this is more evidence of how my sister will never get the same weirdo stamp that I do. She can have some crazy dreams like this, dye her tongue purple, and set her hair on fire, and who will still get the "psycho" label??? So unfair.

P.S.S.- She hasn't dyed her tongue or set her hair ablaze...I was making a point:o)

Sunday, April 22, 2007

***Roadside Manner***

I'm driving on I-20 and I pass a construction crew doing some road maintenance. They had that sign up about a fine you have to pay for speeding around their work zone. Not too far away there was a guy fixing his tire on the side of the road.

Forgive me if this sounds morbid, but I started thinking...

1. There has clearly been alot of fatalities/accidents for a law to be passed around speeding in a highway construction zone.

2. I've never witnessed a car drive into the emergency lane accidentally.

3. I've heard about several deaths of people handling car issues on the side of the road and being hit by a car.

4. How the hell does that happen?

5. What does that accident report look like? "Well sir, I was driving and I saw this man and I just drove toward him."

Seriously, how can it happen as often as it does?

Is it always a case of "Not paying attention"?

Saturday, April 21, 2007

BlockBuster Bust

So I'm at Blockbuster, right.

Fervently combing the Pre-Viewed racks to take advantage of the current 4 for $20 sale. I'm literally flipping through damn near every DVD case to find the best buys. I decided to go to Blockbuster on my way home because I figured the most ideal situation for that night was to fall asleep to a light-hearted, easy-to-follow movie. I wanted a good chick flick. The last chick flick I saw was "The Devil Wears Prada" which was "Eh." Oh wait, that's not true. I saw "Shop Girl" (Don't do it. TRUST me.). The last chick flick that I loved in its entirety was "The Wedding Planner". Shocking, right? A Jennifer Lopez movie. But her wardrobe was sooo great and they didn't let her talk too much. Also, the supporting characters were funny. And sorry but Mr. McConoughey was quite charming-- I understood his Hollywood hype from that movie:o) It was cheesy in all the right places.

Anyhoo, since then the well has been dry.

Yet I decided that I was going to redeem myself from my last attempt for gold-star selections during the 4 for $20 sale. I noticed a clear avoidance of Taye Diggs and Reese Witherspoon movies. I don't dislike Mr. Diggs for any reason other than I NEVER thought he was that hotness. Even when folks were getting their "groove back". I just felt like I could beat him up if I got angry enough, so you know how that goes. And I'm not really sure what the Reese Witherspoon thing is about. I think it's because I don't think she's easy to look at. And in "It Girl" roles the dynamic simply fukks with my mental. I tried in "Legally Blonde" (still haven't finished it).

So here's what I decided on and why.

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle- It was a chick flick with a memorable scene: Cameron Diaz mafia slaps the bad guy/gal in the bathroom with her banging stiletto boot (it's on her foot)! Then had him/her in the choke-hold with her heel! In the world of "Not Ever", that ranks pretty high on the bad ass scale. I need to study that move for my superhero aspirations. However, the over-the-top cheese factor annoys me so I never made it to that scene.

Thumbsucker- It's this indie flick that (according the DVD box) won a lot acclaim in 2005 with Sundance and whatever. Y'all I'm DYING over here. I'm trying to watch it but I keep yelling at the TV. I had to take a break. There's something about independent movies that can't seem to balance good writing with offbeat charm. They wanna be all deep and shit but they just don't communicate anything other than some weirdos looking to justify their version of something. "Little Miss Sunshine" did an EXCELLENT job of delivering the goods. Even "Napoleon Dynamite" did (although everyone may not get the humor). I enjoi different thoughts and perspectives (which is mainly why I watch foreign and independent films) but DAYUM people! Get clever!

Look At Me- Haven't seen it yet. Subtitles. French speaking. Hopefully it won't disappoint.

Something New- I saw it in the movies with high hopes. I left with disappointment. Sanaa Lathan isn't someone I can stomach easily. I thought she was excellent in "Love and Basketball" because she's got that emotional awkward thing DOWN. It was great for a "tomboy in love" kinda role. But when she does that same isht with DAMN NEAR EVERY CHARACTER, I just can't. I don't get her. I'm not interested in trying to either. And all of the girlfriend chatter annoyed me. Every time one of her friends would talk, I involuntarily rolled my eyes. I was grateful to be on a couch with the power of fast forward. I just wish the character was played by someone with more sauce. I can't think of anyone ideal but...whatever. It is what it is. I wanted chick flick, I got it. I just didn't realize the 2nd time around would be so hard.

Is it just me, or are movies rarely entertaining?

I don't like most action movies, too skurred for scary movies, and dramas can lose me in the first 20 minutes if its too much. I appreciate great writing, 3-D plots, and great cinematograpy.

You know what?

It probably is me.

Friday, April 13, 2007

***Window Treating***

What's the point of eyebrows?

Seriously. Why do we have that small patch of hair above each of our eyes? I thought about this the other day while doing my daily plucking. Other than aesthetic enhancement, what's the point? Some might feel the same way about eyelashes but I've made sense of those. Eyelashes filter out the microscopic crap before it catches us in the (eye)balls.

I didn't say it was great logic, but it puts me to ease enough to think about other trivial eyebrows.

Men don't even tinker with them the way women do. Well, some of them.

This guy does. He has EXCELLENT eyebrows. He's really pretty.

I don't remember his name but he is the makeup guy of one of the most fukked up shows on television called . Ever seen it?

Basically, they find folks who have aged so badly that they go on TV and talk to this guy on a couch who is quietly saying "Daaaaammmmn!" to himself as they pour their hearts out to look age-appropriate. The purpose isn't what's fukked up. It's the method. They put these people in a glass box and let people on the street guess how old they are and speak flaw-for-flaw as to why they look so awful. LIKE THEY DON'T KNOW! Well, some of them don't. Either way, it's super tragic because the host almost refuses to continue onto the next segment until the guest feels like absolute shit first.

He'll be like,
"So Heather, while you were being gawked at in a glass box, we've heard people talk about your forehead creases, obesity, Crowe's feet, bad skin, turkey neck, and frown lines. You've told us about how you let yourself go because your boyfriend left you and your kids decided he's cooler than you so they moved out to live with him. According to our results, everyone on the street thinks you look 54 (she's 42). How does that make you feel?"
It's so fukked up.

Anyhoo, I digress. Eyebrows are the window treatments to the windows of your soul. Remember that. Hey you know what? Some clever nugget on Google suggests that eyebrows are for non-verbal communication. Surprise, anger, curiousity...all that. Finally! A conclusion!

Now if someone could just explain...

Thursday, April 12, 2007

***Call it What You Want***

I just want to put it out there that
it's at times like these (tax time) where I find myself straight up
JEALOUS of every drug dealer, pimp, and mega-church head honcho in America...

That is all.

P.S.- This probably sounds really bad but for the first time ever, I'm inspired to don one of these out of nothing but pure spite. Now if they could just make a "Just Say No to Pimping" button, I'd go for it.

(Until April 17th anyway.)

Tuesday, April 03, 2007


Wow. I really caught a lot of crap from you all for this post. Some I expected, some I didn't. Anyhoo, I feel the need to clarify something.

No, I don't like thugs.
No, I don't like artsy guys.
No, I don't like athletes.
No, I don't like corporate men.

I don't really have a "type".

I like INTERESTING, genuine, handsome, athletic men who are relaxed, goal-achieving, articulate, creative, with good hygeine, and are not stuck on macho.

However that shows up as, I'm game.

Oh and I didn't want to say this yesterday because I don't know how to say it without sounding crazy, BUT...

I'm not attracted to men who (in my imagination) I can physically beat up.

While the reality of the situation could be the POLAR OPPOSITE if, in a moment of anger, I can envision choke-slamming him or K.O.'ing his ass in 3 hits, I'm turned off. Even if (in my imagination) I have to fight dirty to win I'm not attracted. I could totally take this guy. Not because he was "nice". But because I just felt like I could.

Now have I ever physically fought a man? No (they were boys).

Do I expect to? Hells no.

But if it's in my mind, somewhere in my world it's do-able.

And no, I don't like beefcake types either. I think spending a whole bunch of time in the gym just lifting weights is stupid and unattractive if there is no purpose other than vain glory. If you're swoll as hell but can't run a mile or two without stopping that's just sad. You're not really athletic, you're just a perpetrator on a testosterone trip.

Okay, that was harsh but whatever.

What I'm saying is that the fact that the guy was "nice" isn't what counted against him. He earned his two strikes by coming from one of the No Zones and being a complete bore.
The fact that he was nice and he liked me is what he had GOING for him.


Maybe not. Hell, I tried.

Boring Beginnings

I’m such a bitch sometimes.

I just came from a lunch date with this guy I met 2 weeks ago and I intentionally did/said things to turn him off. Hopefully it worked. We'll see. A few days ago, he decided that he likes me and told me. Well I wasn’t exactly floored but I totally respected him for his brazen declaration. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there like that (if you mean it). And there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s a nice guy (i.e. He hasn’t said or done anything to offend me yet)

from Alabama (steeeerike ONE!).

I know, “Why does being from Alabama count against him?”

I created a very immature location selection system in college that has yet to fail me. Knowing that it is indeed immature and judgemental does not hinder its usage because the damn thing WORKS. There are people I refuse to date (seriously) based on where they are from. These areas are: Alabama, Arkansas, Northern Florida, New Jersey, Boston, Northern California, and D.C./Maryland. I feel like I’m forgetting one but it’ll come to me eventually. Anyway, those are my No Zones. Of course there are exceptions but I’ve never been compelled to make one as of yet.

I’m open to it.
But this guy isn’t getting one.

Because aside from being from Alabama, homeboy is just…well…THERE. He isn’t interesting (steeerike TWO!). Nothing about him intrigues me. And don’t go into that “Oh so dudes are supposed to be there to entertain you?” To a certain degree, yes. The reason why you and I are friends (if we are) is because there’s a mutual level in interest in the other person. Some of you folks are just downright FASCINATING to me. And no, you don’t wear anything crazy or color your hair in funky shades, but just who you are….your whole setup and composition…the dynamics of YOU are interesting. Shoot, even some of the assholes and straight up jerks I've gone out with were interesting! Hell, the people I would never go out with and really don't like are INTERESTING!

This guy doesn’t have that.

Nothing "wrong" with him.

He’s just “nice” and he likes me.

Maybe that’s part of it too though. I don't like to be liked first. I like to like first and then later they decide they like me too, and because they are go-getters they go and attempt to get, and by the time I am approached I already know I’m interested so things should be cool. (Perhaps that's some of the "man" in me my guy homies refer to at times? Whatever. I like to hunt!) For the first 2 outings anyway.

Speaking of outings…
How many “Open Minded” ones should one have before peacing out is deemed as “fair” because you gave the person “a chance”???

[Thank goodness, I don't tell guys that I date about my blog. Lawd, I'd have to hold all this mess INSIDE until I busted at the seams. ]

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