Monday, September 24, 2007

***Shawty & Isht***

I am not above ignorant music.

I can roll with a lot of it. Do I seek it out? Nah. But if I come across something I like, I might get it. I say all this to say that I heard the most offensive song on the radio today. I have nothing against self expression and freedom of speech. What artists want to put on their albums is their call and their business. But to release some craziness like this on the RADIO???? That's a whole different level of wrong. This ignorant ass by the name of Plies did a song with T-Pain called "Shawty" that straight up embarrassed the hell out of me. I was so ashamed.

It was like 3 o'clock in the afternoon and this absolute filth was playing on the Top 40 station like it was Gwen Stefani song. Things went from bad to worse when I realized it was playing on the White Top 40 station because I just cringed at the thought of any Becky or Matt thinking this isht was cool. Even worse, I was thinking of the kids just getting out of school and how accessible this was to them when they just want to tune in to hear the new Ciara song. Then I got to thinking about all the little boys that are discovering/experimenting with sex, and where stuff like this can take it (not to mention the ignorant azz conversations with their fool friends and relatives who could probably write the songs themselves). I was all messed up.

I know this is nothing new. There's always a new song that pushes things a little bit further. But this was just too far for me. And all the young and dumb parents that wouldn't even change the station if it came on? And then there's all the dumb hoes who will hear this crap like its flattering like "That's me! That's me!"

*sigh* I'm getting worked up again, so I'll go sit down somewhere.

But I just had to say something.

No blame.

Just outrage and shame.

Shawty Lyrics

"Shawty"[Intro: Plies]What's Happenin Homie Dis Ya Boy Plies Man Hey Pain Tell 'em Bout Your Shawty Ima Tell Em Bout Mine [Chorus: T-Pain] Even Though I'm Not Your Man, You Not My Girl Ima Call You My (Shawty) Cause I Can't Stand To See You Treated Bad I Beat His Ass For My (Shawty) And We Ain't Did Nothin That We Ain't Supposed To Do Cause You My (Shawty) Babygirl You Know I Be Home, Keep Me On The Ringtone (Shawty) Sing It To Me Girl [Verse 1: Plies] Soon As I Seen Her, Shit Told Her I'd Pay For It Lil Mama The Baddest Thing 'round Here & She Already Know It I Pointed At The Dick & Told Her This Supposed To Be Yours Showed Her A Couple Stacks & Told Her I'd Let Her Blow It The Hottest Nigga In The City Baby You Can't Ignore It I Showed Her I Was A Real Nigga & She Went For It First Time I Caught Her Shit, She Aint Even Know How To Throw It Back Now She An Animal, I Got Her Sex Game Right I Taught Her How To Talk To Me While She Take Pipe & Opened Her Up & Showed Her What A Real Nigga Like I Told Her I Don't Usually Do This, I Don't F**k On The First Night Cause After I Beat Ya Baby I'm Liable To F**k Up Ya Whole Life I Gotta Train Her, Now She Suck Me With Ice I Call Her My Lil Bust It Baby Cause She Keep It Tight Whenever I Tell Her To Bust, Aint Gotta Tell Her Twice Whenever I Wanna Get Off She Know How To Get Me Right [Chorus: T-Pain] Even Though I'm Not Your Man, You Not My Girl Ima Call You My (Shawty) Cause I Can't Stand To See You Treated Bad I Beat His Ass For My [Shawty lyrics on](Shawty) And We Aint Did Nothin That We Ain't Supposed To Do Cause You My (Shawty) Babygirl You Know I Be Home, Keep Me On The Ringtone (Shawty) Sing It To Me Girl [x2:] Whoa W-W-Whoa Whoa Whoa Whooooa Whoa Whoa Whoa W-W-Whoa Shawtyyyyy [Verse 2: Plies] I Love To Show Her Off, Cause All The Dope Boys Want Her Know Why They Wanna Beat Badly, Look At All That Ass On Her Look How That Pussy Sit Up In Them Shorts, You Gotta Want Her Love When She Act Like She Bo-Legged & Bend The Corner She Proud To Be F**kin Me, Cause I'm Stuntin On 'em It Feel Good To Be F**kin A Real Nigga Don't'uh Aint Called Her In 2 Days, Gotta Let Her Mind Wonder But When She Miss Me, She Call To Tell Me To Jump On Her Thats Why I Don't Mind Breakin Her Off, Cause She Aint With The Drama If You Done Ripped Her Before, You Know How To Cuff Lil Mama You Know She Gotta Be Somethin, Cause I Done Beat Her Under Im Baby Snatchin, I'm Tellin Ya, I Promise I Exposed Her To Real, & Now She Hate Lame Member She Used To Run From Me, Now She Like Pain She Call Me Sometimes Just To Ask Is It Her Thing Ever Since I Ran Up In Shawty She Ain't Been The Same [Chorus: T-Pain] Even Though I'm Not Your Man, You Not My Girl Ima Call You My (Shawty) Cause I Can't Stand To See You Treated Bad I Beat His Ass For My (Shawty) And We Aint Did Nothin That We Ain't Supposed To Do Cause You My (Shawty) Babygirl You Know I Be Home, Keep Me On The Ringtone (Shawty) Sing It To Me Girl [x2:] Whoa W-W-Whoa Whoa Whoa Whooooa Whoa Whoa Whoa W-W-Whoa Shawtyyyyy

Sunday, September 23, 2007

New World Order

I am not politically savvy, nor do I claim to be. I don't have a lot of ideas and resolutions for the world's problems, nor am I searching for them.


ya girl has STRUCK GOLD! I have single-handedly managed to solve two national issues that plague our country: Fat-Assedness and low Female Social Value.

#1. Whether you are thick, chunky, big, big-boned, overweight, fat, or obese, (and you don't like it) I have exactly what you need. Even if you have a few vanity pounds you want to shed, you should come to me. Why? Because I'm a genius with an answer. My answer? Bottled food allergies. How cool would it be to say "I'm sorry but I can't eat this. I'm allergic to deserts." and MEAN IT??? How cool would it be to give into your gluttony with hell to pay that goes way beyond guilt or frustration? (Note:The allergic reactions will vary from nausea, vomiting, rashes, and swollen body parts.) Oh yes, you will learn not to eat what your brain thinks and mouth speaks!
#2. Okay my second resolve is for females only. You know, sometimes we just catch a whole lotta bullshit from men for one reason, and one reason only: They can. Even the "nice guys" can be assholes these days! Now as much as that may suck, I honestly don't blame them. It's a temptation that's too easy to pass up. A guy who's got this or that going for himself is very clear that he's a hot commodity in most demographics. And because we females grossly outnumber them (globally!), why would you not consider and/or pursue switching up your options if the one you're with is getting on your nerves? It's too easy and too convenient! And being the lazy dater that I am, the convenience factor is HUGE for me, so I can understand that. Anyhoo, (hetero) ladies I have a resolve.

I've created something to ensure that we are appreciated not just for who we are, our talents, and default fabulousness. My invention focuses on one factor and one factor only: we have vaginas and they don't! My answer? Population control! Every 10 years, the government sprinkles my top secret Boys Only drug into every batch of McDonald's french fries, Subway bread loaf, and something really healthy at Whole Foods. This top secret Boys Only drug drives up the male population by making sure every zygote evolves with whatever DNA necessary to make sure that little embryo/fetus comes with a penis.

With less women around, our stock skyrockets just for being born! How wonderfully effortless is that?? With women being the new commodity, there will be crazy competition now to get with the woman who doesn't have any teeth. Age and aesthetics almost become irrelevant! You don't have to be Demi Moore to get an Ashton! All men have to step their game up or go gay. Every woman is treated like a Bently, Benz, BMW, or Porshe. No hoopties.

And especially for women like me who are turned off by any exaggerated effort to mix-and-mingle with the men (i.e. getting dolled up beyond what I like to look like and having to "be nice"), this is a perfect situation. We can now leave the house looking like whatever, say whatever, and it not be a problem for ANYONE! Men will be THAT happy that you're breathing the same air! You can't lose! Little to no effort necessary!

(Note to lesbians: I didn't say this plan was perfect. I know y'all get the short end of this stick but I'm working on it. Until then, I need y'all to be team players for 20 years. Gimme 20 years!)

Watch out White House!

I have a big family and we can put every one of those empty rooms to use!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

***The Mighty Mighty O'Jays***


My favorite, #1, can't-get-no-better-than-them Old School band of all time is coming to town next week. Lawd, the Mighty Mighty O'Jays will be here on the 29th and am soooo excited! I love old school music but the O'Jays??? That's just on another level.

Put it this way, the O'Jays are one of the two incentives that I have to get married before menopause. I have declared that they WILL be performing at my reception (dammit). So actually, let me revise that. There's only one incentive to be married before menopause: death.

The death of my folks and death of the O'Jays.

That's it.

To understand the greatness of this group, you don't have to look very far, long, or hard. The O'Jays have stood the test of time for a reason--- they are f'ing DOPE!!! The vocals, the lyrics, the precision of their dancesteps...*sigh* it gets no better. Walter is just smooth. He's got that (cha)'risma, you know? He's like the Billy Dee Williams. The cold blooded, whoop yo ass in a game of pool without raising an eyebrow, Hennesy-drinking cool cat.

Then there's Eddie Levert. The passion. The one that will inject the gut-filled emotion into any song like a flu shot. The sincerity is just there. You can't deny the fact that it's obvious that he means every word. (I have no comment for the new guy. Nothing against Youngblood but he should just consider himself blessed and keep Eddie and Walter doing what they do.)

One of the best gifts I ever got was a pair of tickets to see them for my 21st birthday. (This was back in the day when I didn't celebrate it, lol) But let me tell you, I acted a damn fool. Yes, I was the youngest person in there and I knew every word to every song (and you know that says a lot with my lyrical handicap!)!
Y'all. I had one of those overwhelming fanatical reactions that I didn't think I was capable of, lol. I sure learned that night! Live orchestra band...great harmony...fantastic music...soulful was soooooo great.

The O'Jays aren't out to simply entertain you with their talents; they wanna have a conversation. Let me tell you, if you're ever feeling hoodwinked, led astray, or bamboozled? Talk to the O'Jays. Feeling played by the boss, professor, homeboy, or yourself? Talk to the O'Jays. If you just wanna vibe on a no-bullshit wave, just talk to the O'Jays. And as much as I love them I don't even listen to them often. I can't. I take them too seriously. I also noticed that I never mix their songs into a playlist. Ever. I can't! Sitting down to an O'Jays album, I know my mood is going to shift to something intense. I go all kinds of places in my mind and sometimes I get emotional. The music is just that beautiful to me...they even covered my favorite old school song of all time "Wildflower" (The New Birth version).


Am I going to the show?
But that's okay because I'm clear that I couldn't appreciate the way I would want to.
But I damn sure appreciate the greatness that is the O'Jays!

So great:o)

***Tales from 'Tasia***

Somebody give this chick a gig cuz she is TOO funny!

Friday, September 14, 2007


I purchased an extra bag of this fantastic trail mix from Trader Joe's just for my boss. Yes, it was a kind gesture but it was really because I'm sick of sharing mine.

I regret that shit with all my heart. Know this.

If I only knew that she chews like a cow, I would've found a more silent those Listerine tongue strips.

There's just something about loud eaters that unnerves me. When people smack on their food, something inside me goes wacky. I automatically lose my focus and become fixated on an immediate, tactful solution. After a while, my imagination retreats to violent solutions like asphyxiation or lip-stapling.
I have been this way for years and have yet to master ignoring it. I can't. It lures me in only to shut down my concentration and ignite my angst.

And so I must.

Yes, I must.

Tomorrow, I must ask for some trail mix and consume 80% of whatever is left in the bag.

Don't judge me.

Some actions are necessary.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Shirley "Nana" Johnson!

Yesterday was my father's birthday!!!!

(Yay, Daddy! Happy _ _ th/rd/st!!!)

Honestly, I don't know how old he is but either way, he's one year older as of 9/4/07! (Happy Berfday one mo' gin, Papa Bear!) Today, is my Nana's birthday (Daddy's mom). I learned this year that she passed about two years ago. I know that sounds weird (especially considering she died while I was holding her hand), but I really blanked out time. I couldn't remember if it was hot or cold outside. I couldn't remember what time of the year it was. I really tried to mark that day in time and I just couldn't go from any sensory memory files in the back of my mind.

I loooooooooved my Nana. She had the biggest heart with the fiestiest spirit. I loved that combination! She would give you the shirt off her back but if you fukk around and lose a few books in spades, you will remember it. (I learned my lesson!) Nana was so much FUN to be around! And man could she COOK! I was shocked to learn that she never cooked from a recipe. Never. I remember asking her, "How do you know when it's done?" To which she replied, "Taste it."

While we had that very distinct difference between us, one thing we definitely had in common is that we rarely meet strangers:o) When she moved to Atlanta from North Carolina for her chemo treatments, I would go to those veteran soldier places to play Bingo with her. Naturally, I was the youngest person in there but we had a BALL (and would lose every time, lol)! She'd introduce me to random folks like she'd known them for YEARS. And she had quite the following too, lol. Many people would come up to her and they would talk about their families together with such love and pride. I'd sit there and chuckle to myself cuz I know she probably didn't even know those people's last names. But it didn't matter. She loved them anyway.

I still cry when I think about her for too long.

Part of it is anger. I'm angry because I wanted her to be here to share more of my Life happenings. I'm also angry about how she died. You know, cancer is one ugly disease. The way it can errode a lifeline is just downright disgusting. I don't feel like it was fair but I know it's ridiculous to say that. She was a kind person, so something a little less harsh and a little more comforting:That's the kind of death Nana deserved. Sometimes I feel like God uses certain people's death to make a point. And this one more example that I didn't appreciate. There are plenty of hateful ass people in the world to have what she did. But so be it. It's done.

Most of my tears, however, are because I miss her. I know that all I can do is cry and laugh with the memories I have... and sometimes it's enough.


Love you, Nana!

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