Sunday, September 23, 2007

New World Order

I am not politically savvy, nor do I claim to be. I don't have a lot of ideas and resolutions for the world's problems, nor am I searching for them.


ya girl has STRUCK GOLD! I have single-handedly managed to solve two national issues that plague our country: Fat-Assedness and low Female Social Value.

#1. Whether you are thick, chunky, big, big-boned, overweight, fat, or obese, (and you don't like it) I have exactly what you need. Even if you have a few vanity pounds you want to shed, you should come to me. Why? Because I'm a genius with an answer. My answer? Bottled food allergies. How cool would it be to say "I'm sorry but I can't eat this. I'm allergic to deserts." and MEAN IT??? How cool would it be to give into your gluttony with hell to pay that goes way beyond guilt or frustration? (Note:The allergic reactions will vary from nausea, vomiting, rashes, and swollen body parts.) Oh yes, you will learn not to eat what your brain thinks and mouth speaks!
#2. Okay my second resolve is for females only. You know, sometimes we just catch a whole lotta bullshit from men for one reason, and one reason only: They can. Even the "nice guys" can be assholes these days! Now as much as that may suck, I honestly don't blame them. It's a temptation that's too easy to pass up. A guy who's got this or that going for himself is very clear that he's a hot commodity in most demographics. And because we females grossly outnumber them (globally!), why would you not consider and/or pursue switching up your options if the one you're with is getting on your nerves? It's too easy and too convenient! And being the lazy dater that I am, the convenience factor is HUGE for me, so I can understand that. Anyhoo, (hetero) ladies I have a resolve.

I've created something to ensure that we are appreciated not just for who we are, our talents, and default fabulousness. My invention focuses on one factor and one factor only: we have vaginas and they don't! My answer? Population control! Every 10 years, the government sprinkles my top secret Boys Only drug into every batch of McDonald's french fries, Subway bread loaf, and something really healthy at Whole Foods. This top secret Boys Only drug drives up the male population by making sure every zygote evolves with whatever DNA necessary to make sure that little embryo/fetus comes with a penis.

With less women around, our stock skyrockets just for being born! How wonderfully effortless is that?? With women being the new commodity, there will be crazy competition now to get with the woman who doesn't have any teeth. Age and aesthetics almost become irrelevant! You don't have to be Demi Moore to get an Ashton! All men have to step their game up or go gay. Every woman is treated like a Bently, Benz, BMW, or Porshe. No hoopties.

And especially for women like me who are turned off by any exaggerated effort to mix-and-mingle with the men (i.e. getting dolled up beyond what I like to look like and having to "be nice"), this is a perfect situation. We can now leave the house looking like whatever, say whatever, and it not be a problem for ANYONE! Men will be THAT happy that you're breathing the same air! You can't lose! Little to no effort necessary!

(Note to lesbians: I didn't say this plan was perfect. I know y'all get the short end of this stick but I'm working on it. Until then, I need y'all to be team players for 20 years. Gimme 20 years!)

Watch out White House!

I have a big family and we can put every one of those empty rooms to use!

You are silly. That is all I can say on that one.
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