Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Unassuming Maneater

I'll own it.

Put it out there for the Hometeam and all of cyber space...

I'm a shit to men.

I had a jarring conversation with a co-worker during Superbowl Sunday that had me messed up for a good 2 weeks until my recent epiphany. When I say I'm a shit to men, I don't mean that rude behavior we all know I'm capable of and prone to when provoked (or don't give a damn). I'm conscious of that. I mean the unconscious shittiness. The non-verbal "You can't do much for me" message I deliver over, and over, and OVER again that I didn't realize until about 2 weeks ago.

She and I were talking about our dating lives and she stated that she was on the hunt for a guy that had what she wanted and no longer was willing to date guys who only had 1/16 of what she was looking for. You know, the guys that may be good for this or that... or have one or two things you like about them. Nuh unh. She was done with that.

"So just like that, huh? Cold turkey?"

"What's the point? I'm never satisfied."

"Yeah, but that's the fun of dating! All the different personalities, experiences...there's just so much out there!"

"That's not fun to me anymore. I want to find a guy that fulfills me."

You know how you impulsively open your mouth to talk because you know speaking is appropriate (and expected) but your thoughts haven't solidified yet so you sound like you're about to throw up?

That's what I did. I was stumbling and stammering all over the place.

Being fulfilled by a man??? It was such a foreign concept to me. And even seeing myself struggle with the concept and idea of it stunned me. I had just NEVER looked at it that way. Men can make you happy, men can make you cry, you can love them, they can love you, they're great, they suck, etc.-- I had been through all of those spaces. But to be FULFILLED by one???? Couldn't swallow that.

It's just something I never looked for anyone else to do really.

When I want something, I'll figure out a way to get it until either 1. I get it, or 2. I don't want it anymore. And in terms of men, if it shows up in 2 or 3 different dudes that's just what it is and it's all good cuz I still benefit.

But she was talking some craziness (at least at the time)...
Men? Fulfilling?

I wrestled with the notion for a while but when I stepped back and realized that if this is a conscious struggle, IMAGINE WHAT MY UNCONSCIOUS ACTIONS HAVE BEEN ALL THIS TIME!

And I'm not even saying that it's bad or wrong. It's just something that I have to be responsible for now that I'm conscious that I do this and it takes zero effort.

Wow. I treat guys I date pretty similar to my guy homies until I decide I like them (which is rare). And eventually, even with lukewarm interest, they all fade to black. And to be super honest with you, there aren't any dudes from Yesterday that I'm kicking myself about. It just makes me wonder what could've been if I had actually been AVAILABLE?

Because now I'm getting the difference between being "single" and being "available" in a whole new light. Dudes know when women are available. It's a certain energy they give off. And I for sure know I wasn't giving it, lol.


Now what?

**shoulder shrug**

Hell if I know.

P.S- I think I now understand why this guy once said that I was "an unassuming mind f*ck". Go figure, lol.

My Bubble: One Long Ass Analogy

I've always been aware that I had my own world. A world of things that I intentionally put there (physically or mentally) because they pleased me for some reason. Said another way, it was a world that consists ONLY of my interests, entertainment, and thoughts.

Going back to my teenage years when it originated, it was created as a defense. It was my way to shut people I didn't like (which consisted of 90% of the population...namely the Parental Unit and anyone that sided with them about ANYTHING) out. This fortress was enforced and protected by locked doors, silence, and my best weapon of defense: absence.

Then I transition to my collegiate years...

Still holding tight to my bubble, it now became a sanctuary. A place of escape. Refuge from the chaos known as undergrad. Whatever stability I had, I credit to the bubble. So my world at this time was no longer a way to survive but really to sustain. I was quite content being in my bubble and visiting Reality whenever I wanted or occasionally "had to".

Then there's young adulthood...

You know, as great as my world is it doesn't offer any jobs. Now having to deal with these types of new necessities of this new Life phase, there always screeching conflicts with my world and Reality. And as I grow and mature, I'm having to deal with Reality a lot more than I used to. A lot more. The transition isn't so smooth either. As an adult, there are consequences when you ignore Reality for too long. I've earned plenty of scars to evidence that but I'm still fighting to preserve my bubble for sentimental reasons. So there's probably going to be more scars....maybe even stitches. But as I evolve and my goals and ambitions follow suit, the desired results can only show up in Reality...which means I have to visit it much more.

So as I continuously evaluate and re-evaluate My World against Reality,

I'm realizing that the bubble that used to "protect" me

... is probably costing me the most harm.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

***Extreme Soccer***

This right here is crazy.
And I’m a not a soccer fan.

Soccer is one of those sports to me where you have to work TOO DAMN HARD for one point. Basketball will give you three or two. Football gives you 6. What’s up with soccer? Hockey too!
(Hockey gets a pass though cuz you get to fight)

And also, soccer is one of those sports where to me if ya’ll lose its the goalie’s fault. You’ve got someone who can straight up post in front of where the points happen? How does anyone win or lose?

I know that’s not how it really is but still...

If you put one of these guy doing those Jackie Chan moves, HOW CAN YOU LOSE???

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Ain't That About A...

So apparently the Super Bowl is happening this week. I found this out on Monday (shouts out to Oomalicious for keeping me in real time) and was really thrown off by it's "suddenness". This is the same suddenness that happens for me around Easter, Christmas, and sometimes Thanksgiving. However that is not the point.

So later in the week, as in yesterday, I learned of the two teams who are playing: Patriots and the Giants. Woop-di-damn-doo.

Still not the point.

So how about TODAY I heard a small rumor that was big enough to raise my left eyebrow in full-fledged interest: Micheal Jackson is performing????

Is this accurate?
Is the 2008 SuperBowl officially TiVo-able?

I know some of you may be turned off by the fact that I adore the King of Pop the way I do. Perhaps it is weird and I should be embarrassed and stop the fanfare for the genius that gave the 80's major musical evolutionary relevance. Okay, that was dramatic but still...IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON!

Please know that the Michael Jackson that I know and love looks like this (in my mind):

Not this...
Oh wait...that's Lil' Kim.

Like THIS...
What in the blue Crayola hell is up with his eyebrows?
I'm convinced this is an imposter.
The real MJ never had to shave.
I think these are hair plugs.

Somebody hit me up so I know if I need to place an order on TiVo.

Or maybe I'll just watch anyway?
I might be able to win some money.

I'm pretty good at picking winning teams.
I picked them last year (or whatever that year was I watched).
I was 80% about 2 years ago in calling the Monday Night games.

My strategy?

I haven't come up with some bullshit reason as to why this works but it definitely does
(for me anyway).
When the jocks come on-screen in the 1st quarter, I watch their intros very carefully.

You know.
The "Demarkitwan Jones...Ohio State." part.
The offensive line is usually cuter than the defensive line.
If the defensive line is cuter, then you might be in trouble.
Not always, but you wanna heed the warning signs.


I watch their intros and I award a point to each player who is cute/attractive/fine. Black, White, Caublasian, have to be able to call a spade a spade. By the end of the 1st quarter, both lines of each team has introduced themselves and I pick the team with the most attractive players.

I'm very good:o)

But on the real, I'm probably not going to watch. Besides all the catch up work I have to do, I still haven't closed the season to my guilty pleasure of the moment: The Real Housewives of Orange County.

I love those crazy WWWs.

Evil Thai mail-order brides... moms pimping out their blonde aimless falls from grace...the haves and have nots...

Actually reminds me of my favorite Dr. Seuss tale, "The Starbelly Sneeches" who had stars upon thars, lol...

okay, I got sidetracked.

Laurie has convinced herself she's in love and she has managed to snag big ballin' George "after years of hardships", and now they're having a big ballin' wedding on George's big ballin' estate. The wedding is supposed to be the season finale.

I love hearing her lie about her love life.

There's just something about the delusional...

they humor me.

(From a distance.)

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