Friday, November 30, 2007

***Krispy's Engaged!***

**I really hope that she doesn't read my blog cuz then I've gotta explain my super skills in acquiring this mucho cute-o couple photo**


I am rarely this excited about matrimony.

Well, that's not true.
I'm rarely excited about it BEYOND my Hometeam's participation.

Namely because I either don't know the other person (well)...
or I just flat out don't like them.

But in this case I'm sooooooooooooo happy for you two!
I loooooove my Krispy and I definitely dig Will.
Very cool guy and it's all so peeeeerfect!

Can't wait until 8/9/08!

I don't care for L.A.
but that should prove my love, Krispy!

P.S.- "Krispy" is not on her birth certificate.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

***As She's Not **

(I can smell the hater stamp coming straight for my forehead)


I'm mad at Alicia Keys' new album. All that damn hype for THAT? Too through am I. I know she's all about soul music and whatnot, but let's keep it Crisco, shall we? She can't sing. She's what I like to call a "note holder". She can carry a tune. But I wouldn't put down the ketchup to hear her sing live. She belts notes (which we all know I'm a fan of) but it's not done like a true piper. She yells in key. If you reeeeally listen, you can hear her holding her breath as she does it. For real! Really listen to her next time.

I've never been 100% satisfied with any of her albums. Except the 1st one. I dug that. But is it just me or do all of her piano originals sound like pieces of songs you know from somewhere else? Like a soap opera melody or something you hear when you get put on hold.

Honestly, I could probably overlook all of it if the lyrical content was consistently on point. It wasn't. I get love and empowerment themes but I likes my lyrics with a little hotsauce. Stuff that may be a tad tacky or a tad risque but it's clever and honest at the same time, so you get over it.

Exhibit A: Amy Winehouse. Now we all know this drug fiend is a hot mess to look at (and sometimes hear live) but peep the"Stronger than Me" lyrics from her 2003 Frank album:

You should be stronger than me
You been here 7 years longer than me
Don't you know you supposed to be the man,
Not pale in comparison to who you think I am,

You always wanna talk it through - I don't care!
I always have to comfort you when I'm there
But that's what I need you to do - stroke my hair!
Cos' I've forgotten all of young love's joy,
Feel like a lady, but you my lady boy,

And Alicia's Superwoman lyrics from her 2007 As I Am album:
Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me
I hang my head from sorrow
Slave to humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman
Look at the chorus again...WTF??
You sing dumb shit like that IN YOUR HEAD where it sounds hot.
You don't put it on albums to be taken seriously.

It's just so generic, watered-down, and cliche.

Feel me? Maybe not.
(Wouldn't be the first time, right? lol)

But I could've saved a good $6.00 on my $9.99 iTunes purchase...

and put it on that new Badu project.

Cuz Erykah does bugg out sometimes

but she always comes with that fiya!

(In my mind, one of the few GENUINE artists in music today.)

Whatchu think?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

***Dating the Musician***

What secrets hide in those saxophone notes?

A song played for me,

originally composed for she--

Your ode to a love now forsaken.

Buried in regret under

bricks of lament

for a loss to never

be replaced by

but vividly remembered

in your brow-furled...



B flat.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Bamboozling Beauty

Ladies and Gentlemen,
ya girl is (intentionally) growing face bushes.

I decided that my wayward eyebrow arch has gotten out of control and I want a new, matching, stronger shape for winter. I am quite particular about eyebrows (if you hadn't noticed from my 2nd post) so you can only imagine how shiteous I feel. I've upped the makeup game to compensate but it's far from effective.

Well, not really. I got strategic and I decided to play up the eyes to draw away attention from the face bushes. I was due for a new mascara so I decided to put my usual Lancome Hypnose mascara on hold and go for whatever my sister and this woman Mary use. Mary is like 50 years old and had lashes that looked like spider legs. I had to ask her "Are those real?" She confirmed and I replied "You have naturally long ones, huh? (p.s.-I hate you)." She insisted that she didn't and told me that it was this 2-step mascara she got from CVS that had a conditioner and then the mascara.

So I went to CVS. You know, not knowing exactly what the product was called or who made it, I soooo got the power of marketing. There I was, facing a wall of products, promises, and very expensively airbrushed promotional models. All I knew was "mascara", "2 steps", equals great lashes. Well how about 3 different brands made the same damn kind of mascara!?!? They were all priced the same with the same kinds of promises, so I was stuck.

Then I stepped back and looked at the models. Who's mascara would I use? Beyonce's? Kate Moss'? Halle Berry's? That girl who does the Victoria Secret stuff?

I went with the 40 year-old. Even though I'm sure the only Revlon she wears is for those pictures, I'll invest in the fantasy.

So I'm home. In the mirror. Ready to have spider leg lashes. I open the package and go to the white side which is the conditioner. I make sure I've got every lash coated with it and I wait a bit for it to dry. Then I open the black side to apply over the conditioner. About halfway into my left eye I think "I've been doing this for a minute now."

After all is said and done, I looked at the finished product and assessed the final results:

They really were jumping out in that sorta fake way.

But then I thought about it...

So I sat back with the realization that I had been hookwinked, bamboozled, and led astray. This wasn't some magic mascara! It was a clever ploy just to have me to put more of it on!

They got me.

And my $9.87 too.


Wednesday, November 14, 2007

***Crankin' 4 Votes!***

You know....

when I saw this clip I suddenly got a politically genius idea:

Mr. Obama should crank it at every appearance on his campaign trail
because I don't think there is one person in America who doesn't know this dance.

One nation...
Under God...
and Crankin' It for all.

The Soulja Boy isn't hood.
It's American.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

(Road) Trippin' with Persh (aka Sissa P)

(She is so gonna throw a tantrum when she reads this, but it's my blog so DEAL!)

While driving to Panera Bread on my lunch break today, one of my favorite Car-e-oke songs came on-- Hoobastank's "The Reason". You get to yell the whole time and it's a lot of fun...well, at least it is for me and Sissa P (That's her rapping name. I talked her out of Pimpin' P.). Persh and I have our own sisterly bond and if we forget you're there you'll see what I mean.

For example, if we're in the car and one of our classic Car-e-oke songs comes on you will see us act a fool. Know this. Any song where people belt out the lyrics, me and Persh are right there , squinting our eyes with our heads swaying, and clasping our hearts with clinched fists to capture the emotion. As a matter of fact, a few years back when we threatened to be crunk artists, we came up with great songs inspired by our times on the road. Our first hit was going to be called "Debris" (you have to pronounce the 's'). The hook was something like "Debris is in the skreets/so we gotta switch lanes/we gangsta so no blinkers/boo, this is not a game..." something like that.

But our crown jewel was "Jelly on My Jeans" (inspired by Project Pat's "Gel and Weave"-- yes, it's a real song). We only made a verse and a chorus but it went something like this,
Chorus: Jelly on my jeans (I got) Jelly on my jeans I tried to keep it clean but I got jelly on my jeans

I'm on my way to work/I'm already late/ I'm hungry as a mugg so you know they gotta wait/ I order me a biscuit/and some hashbrowns/I get out my money cuz I'm rets to throw down/ I pull up to the window/she gave me my juice/she passed me my food and I threw her the deuce/ I looked in my bag/she said, "Oh pardon me. Would you like some jelly?"/I said "Ummm, yes please." / I put it on my biscuit/as quick as a snap/but as soon as I bit it jelly fell in my lap

Yeah. We had plans to make a whole album.

The album was called "Hollatchoboo Records presents: Sissa P and Juicy J: Khakis and Keds: Suburban Streets,Vol I" cuz there's nothing more trill than khaki pants and Keds sneakers (the overuse of the colon was my idea:o). We have to represent the streets we come from-- the suburban streets. You have to watch your back, cuz you never know when the Fed (Ex truck) will knock on your door.

And don't let us have an H.O.V. lane opportunity! Cuz as soon as one of us sees it we throw up the sign and yell, "Hoooooooooooov!" Passersby cars either think we are the super Roc-a-Fella fans we're not or some real hype chicks from Delta Sigma Theta.

Sissa P also sends more random text messages than I do. (Okay, that's not true but she's close.) Sometimes I'll make fun of her because she has the physical strength of a man (and I clearly don't). I gave her a warrior name "Second Son" to use in times of asinine jest.

Then one day I get:
{If we were a part of a tribe n africa during the slave trade, they wouldn't sell u because of ur weak wrists}

We both like Buddha babies. So while in the store one day, she finds one she likes, takes a pic, and makes a request:

{I want a Mexican baby! }

I came home late a few nights in a row and she texts:
{I honestly don't know what 2 do. U don't come home. U don't call when ur going 2 be out late. Is there someone else?}
To which I replied:
{What, lol?? Go to sleep! It's 2 am psycho!}
Her response:
{I suppose. I am just trying to make this house a home that's all}

She even sends texts in life-threatening moments:
{OMG! Mommy farted n the car. I almost died. I saw a white light 4 a sec no lie}

Then she can be reeeally sweet:
{Raise ur hand if you have the bestest-stist sister n the history of earth.}
After I ignored her, she replied:
{Both of mine r up boo}

See what I mean?
Y'all thought I was bad, huh?

She's a little more rough around the edges than I am but she is HILLARIOUS! I'm not funny but SHE IS PURE COMEDY! Brother Airbender swears we act just like those girls off of "Run's House".
I don't see it at all but maybe the crackpipe is in my hand and I need to take a step back .

Love my Persh!
(even if she did get all the cleavage...)

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Reasons, Seasons, and Revolving Doors

Wow. I really went a whole month without a single post.

Time management isn't something that I can say is a strength right now. And while other things aren't exactly "handled" either, I assert that I'm finally coming around... sort of. I still owe a whole bunch of folks calls and emails I'm sure.

I'll get it together.

You know, the last 24 hours has occurred like a revolving door-- Someone came in and someone left, almost simultaneously. Yesterday afternoon, my homeboy who (very typical of his begrudging ass zodiac sign) I hadn't talked to in a while called me up from his new cell number to reconnect and say what's up. It was definitely a welcomed surprise and we chatted for a while.

Then I remembered that today is my other homeboy's birthday so I called him on my way in to work. Now he and I don't speak very frequently. As a matter of fact, I believe there's a 3-4 conversation max per year (in total compliment to that same begrudging ass zodiac sign. Coincidence? I think not.) But I still value him regardless of it all, so I roll with it.

Anyway, I call him up and to my surprise I hear,
"The PCS telephone number you have just dialed has been temporarily disconnected. Please try your call another time."

Dude changed his number and didn't even let me know??

I definitely went in my head about it. At first I genuinely thought he didn't pay his phone bill. But then, knowing his ass, I went with the "He changed his phone number." because that would allow more suffering and room to be an offended victim (lol).

I was thinking to myself,
"How can he not tell me? He must not want me to know.
Why wouldn't he want me to know? Maybe he wasn't thinking about it cuz we don't talk that much? But still! I always hit his ol' sorry ass up on his birthday. Damn, it's really like THAT? What the hell did I do to him to not be in the loop? That's some foul isht. Why wouldn't he give me his new number? We must not be as cool as I thought we were. I guess it was one-sided friendship. Damn, that's foul. I wonder how long this is has been. Months could've gone by! I can't believe he did that!"

On and on and on...

Now honestly? I have no idea what the deal is. But I saw how quick I went to make it about me and how willing I was to make sure it was invalidating as well. Maybe he didn't pay his bill, maybe he did change the number, and yes, maybe he doesn't want me to have his new number... or not. Either way, it is what it is and whatever soap opera I create doesn't make him accessible (even if it is for a birthday wish). You know, right after I sat with that thought, I remembered something from way back about people being in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.


Winter is coming.

(P.S. Happy birthday, T.D.!)

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