Thursday, February 22, 2007

***Chris Rock LOVES His Wife...***

He thinks.


(click on pic to see the trailer)


Check out his "Top Copulation Cop-Outs"

Oh and I can't forget the "Dialogue Decoder"...


Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Ying Yanging This Thang

How can I say this without eliciting a communal "Is Everything Alright?" intervention of any sort?
Okay, let's try this:

Do you know who these folks are?
These are twins.

For real!
Came out of the same woman, conceived with the same man.
(Apparently, this has happened several times over in Britain.)

Okay, so why the focus on twins of different races?

Back in high school, my mother used to call me an "Afrocentric White Girl", lol. Can't say that I blame her because sometimes I feel two very distinct ways in Life. These two ways are so distinct that I've given each a name. I have an inner White girl, Becky, and an inner hoodrat, Shaqweeta.
(No Black is not synonymous with "hoodrat". I'm already Black by default.)

But this Ying and Yang of my personality is very distinct, and I'm sure at times (if you really pay attention) you can tell who's got the mic.

Becky loves Wolfmother and Led Zepplin. She loves nature and is quite docile. She prefers harmony and peace. She genuinely uses words like "awesome", "rock", "dude", and has a tendency to be very trusting of complete strangers. Under the influence of alcohol, Becky wants to make everyone in sight her closest friend. She feels connected to Alanis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill album and desperately wanted to be Gwen Stefani when she was with No Doubt. Becky breaks her neck whenever she hears vintage Madonna songs or hits from the 60's or 80's. Becky loves to shop at Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie. She is responsible for the "Moments of Whiteness" playlist in my iTunes library. She is the only one allowed to speak during job interviews.

Then there's Shaqweeta...

The one who will say "Alright now...don't fukk around and get cussed out!" She's the hood & hellified one. Confrontational, tacky, dominating, intimidating and (at times) too raw for her own good. Shaqweeta is full of slang and homegirl speak. And even though she's irritated by her most times, she will defend Becky as only she can. Sometimes both Becky and I have to grab each of her arms and hold her back, because we know that if she reaches the vocal chords, all hell is going to break loose. Whenever words like "yo ass", "...THIS muthaf*ka...", "And?!?!?", or anything grammatically incorrect are used, it's probably her. She likes the personal style of C-list urban artists like Keyshia Cole and Remy Ma, and whenever intoxicated magically becomes a rapper. She is responsible for the "Ig'nant Azz GREATNESS" playlist in my iTunes library. She always finds a way to speak when I'm not paying attention or get too "comfortable".

And somewhere in between all of that is me.

As I described to someone the other week, I will always prefer the musical over the tragedy. Definitely the introvert of the trio. I love corny things and people...they make me smile. "Crazy", "creative" and "eccentric" seem to be my most frequent revolving monikers. Appear to be very random because of Shaqweeta and Becky's influence. Curious yet cautious. Analytical and anal. A slightly apathetic master observer, constantly battling bouts of self-righteousness and cosmetic product addiction. Sole creator of the "Think Dammit!", "Cherry Wood Floors", and "Has Anyone Seen My Cell Phone?" playlists in my iTunes library.

As distinct as we all are, we do have our commonalities. No one likes to cook. No one is politcally savvy. No one likes unsolicited instruction. We're all pretty loud and impulsive, and every last one of us has our pampered, self-centered, snobby ways.

BUT...You don't have to take MY word for it...(lol)

(I've been DYING to use that!)

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

***Making Over Macy***

Gotdammit, they don' got Macy!!!

You know, some people are better off being the "anti". It makes things much more interesting. Hollywood (and probably her management team) has made over one of my favorite crackhead actresses, Macy Gray. I don't mean crackhead in the for real-for real way. (Love ya Whitney!)

But nobody, I mean NOBODY, plays a better crackhead role than Macy Gray. She NAILS IT err' time! What I'm saying is that every woman isn't created to be drooled over. Some are created to show the world our incredible range.

I'm going to miss her crazy "Is she smoking that shit?" antics :o/

***Monkey Babble***

My mother always said my mouth was going to get me in trouble.

I received an email today that triggered a flashback that had me slump in to my chair
full of embarrassment.

The email:


Thanks ever so much for your Valentine Day card. I appreciate your
thinking of me. I hope that all is well with you. Let me know what you are
doing. Are you still with the TV? For the last few weeks the weather has not been
kind to us. We are still in the midst of a deep freeze. Our basketball
struggles somewhat against all those SOUTHERN teams. (I know how you feel about
jocks on campus!!) I wish you all the best. Keep in touch.

J___ Halpin

All I thought was, "HUH?!?! I told him about my anti-athlete thing?!?!?"

This guy is a dean over at the business school during my undergrad tenure. Now, me and Dean Halpin were probably a lot cooler than we should've been. I can't remember how we first clicked but he was one of the first people I knew in the School of Management. He was also one of the first people to tell me to get out. Not in a "you're not good enough" way but in a "you don't need this" kind of way. Looking back, who knows what I told him. I was completely out of my mind during my freshman year. I realize this now. I don't remember the semester but I saw a beanie baby for sale that I fell in love with. At this time in my life, I was pretty certain that I wanted a chimpanzee as a pet after graduation. This certainty is also why I decided to see if I could fulfill my language requirement by taking sign language classes. I was so serious too. I had it all figured out. I could have a pet that I could talk to and get a totally different world perspective from. I was psyched.

Well, after a bit of research I learned that SOME PEOPLE made that isht look a lot easier than it really was. Chimps bite. They also have a liking for ear lobes and shiny objects. That means no earrings and no jewelry/cds/pots/pans/electronic devices. It just wasn't worth it.

But before I realized all of that, I would carry my monkey around campus with me...for practice. I named it "Professor Cornwallis" and he was my ride or die chimp.
*sigh* Yes, I'm serious. A Black girl walking around campus with a damn monkey on her shoulder. *cringe*

I always had that monkey, and Dean Halpin would always ask for him. Even as a senior (after some #*$& threw it away)! For a good while me, the Professor, and the Dean would kick it in between classes just talking about pretty much anything. It makes me nervous to think about what all I've told him, and even worse, what all he remembers. But the strangest thing about it is that I think Dean Halpin really got me. And I really appreciated his friendship and support during those times.

I'm just wondering how much he knows...

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

***Per Request***

(T.L.- Can I remind you that I've emailed this already? Whatever. Happy Birthday, Loser!)

1) Are you single, taken or crushing?
single (would LOVE a few crushes tho!)

2) Are you happy with where you are?
Indubitably (still want some crushes)

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
Nope! I don't know what that really means. I don't believe I've ever met a "right" person and anyone I like upfront is for superficial reasons, so I don't trust it.

4) Have u ever had ur heart broken?
Yep! Although they were completely unaware because they didn't know I liked them. But I noticed that I experienced a similar pain when Panera Bread Co. stop carrying my roasted pepper& tomato bisque soup. The world seemed to move in slow motion for HOURS!

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances
where cheating is ok?
"Okay" as in not worth breaking up over? Yeah.

6) Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on
If he's worth it and I'm willing to take responsibility for that choice (should he do it again), then sure. But I'd be tempted to Chaka Khan his ass and put him *singing* Through the Fiiiirreee! (But that's just the she-devil in me talking...)

7) Have you ever talked about marriage with another
Yep. My college roomates know all of my plans:o)

8) Do you want kids?
Still debating. If I do, I don't want to birth them.

9) How many?
I'm stopping at 3. That equals 2 planned and a possible "Oops!".

10) Would you consider adoption?

11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think
is a cool way to tell you?
Something really corny and cheesy but funny. Like Napolean Dynamite. I don't like suave ladies man stuff

12) Do you enjoy playing hard to get?
If I don't want to be gotten, it's not a matter of enjoiment--- It's necessary.

13) Do you want someone you can't have?
ALWAYS! What's romance without the unattainable!?!

14) Do you believe love at first sight exists?
Ummmm...okay. I was really thinking that it doesn't. Then I questioned if it does. Now (as in 4 seconds ago) I think that people can turn/grow the initial lust/attraction into something that becomes love. So since that's all one big Soul Train line of romantic fantasy, maybe?

15) Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
If both people want to. Even if only one does, do it anyway!

16) Do you believe that you can change someone?
HELLS NO! I believe (at 11:09am on 2/14/07) that you can INFLUENCE someone. Okay, wait. That made me think of something. Are you saying "change" as in night/day? Or "change" as in altering the state of being? Because if its about alteration, then perhaps any grain of influence is indeed that. So if that person is no longer 100% EXACTLY who they were before you came into play --however that exists-- then I guess that does count. For example, if you never put Doritoes on your PB&J sandwich until we met and now that's how you always eat it, then you aren't the person who eats PB&J with Doritoes on the side anymore.

17) Do you have feelings for someone right now?

18) Do you still have feelings for an Ex?
Sure. I feel like he shouldn't suffer and die suddenly.

19) Have you ever wished you could have someone but
you couldn't?
Ummm...yeah??? Didn't you ask me that already?

20) Would you ever consider getting married in high
You've just upset one of my Starbuck's sips. Please stop.

21) Would you Marry any of your Ex's if they ask?
Are you fukkin kidding me??? That's two sips you've ruined. Goodbye.


This year I wasn't inspired to do anything special for the Hometeam for Valentine's Day. I detest forced sentimental expressions, so I didn't. I will admit that I'm a tad disappointed in not finding anything fun to do, so I'll just say it plainly:

For those I know, and those I don't. For those I talk to, and those I won't. For those who tolerate my antics and try not to judge. For those who can actually do that, and do not resent or hold grudge. For those who think I'm crazy, but do their best not to say it. For those who are forced to financially participate: cash, check, or credit card payment. For those whom are paired (or secretly tripled). For those whom (love it or hate it) are single. For those who doubt love's existence, or believe it to be true.
Let it be known that at this moment
(until you piss me off):

I love you!

Monday, February 12, 2007

***Damn You, John!***

You know what? I have an idea...

Why don't you just twist the handle of the knife COUNTER-CLOCKWISE to confirm my misery?!?!?!?

You talented, modest, articulate, low-key, insightfully witty BASTARD!


There are plenty of other unattainable men out there just like that!
And I vow to find all 4 of them!

(BASTARD. That's right. All caps, buddy! That'll learn ya!)

Jessica Simpson, John Mayer cozy up at the Grammys
Updated 2/12/2007 3:11 PM ET
At the Sony BMG Grammy afterparty Sunday night, Jessica Simpson and John Mayer confirmed rumors that they are romantically involved.

At the Sony BMG Grammy afterparty Sunday night, Jessica Simpson and John Mayer confirmed rumors that they are romantically involved.
No translation needed here. Jessica Simpson, 26, and John Mayer, 29, made their romance official at a Grammy afterparty by cuddling and posing together for cameras. Before the show, funnyman Mayer answered a reporter's question about Simpson in Japanese. USA TODAY's Lorena Blas maps the course since their first meeting.

[I edited all that isht out. I reminded myself that I blog to vent--- Not abuse you all.]

Feb. 11:

Mayer arrives solo at the Grammys, where Seacrest asks about Simpson. English translation of his cryptic answer in Japanese: "She's a wonderful woman and I'm glad to be with her."

Posted 2/12/2007 2:57 PM ET

***The Soundtrack of Sighs***

So Norah Jones has come out with a new CD. I like her stuff but I have to be in the mood for it. For some reason, 4 consecutive Norah Jones songs make me either sleepy or lazy. She just sounds like she never leaves the house. As if she putters around all day, looking out the window, washing dishes, slumping on the couch, singing songs. If I had to provide a simile to describe the aura of her work, I would say "a shoulder-slumping sigh".

(Click here to hear for yourself.)

She got sexy for this one though.

Shocked the helloutta me to see all that red.

I bet this album was inspired by trips to the mailbox.

The Man Period


It has taken close to 12 years but I've FINALLY reached the point of feminine self-awareness where I can actually feel the commencement of menses. I didn't even learn that you could COUNT the days before it came until college. No one told me! (God bless that registration assistant.) So can you imagine my struggle in high school? Not only was I one of the LAST girls to get it (a late-bloomer in damn near every department), but I didn't get any warning signs: No cramps, no nausea, no PMS, no gas, no nothing. It was just "SURPRISE! I'm here!" Oh and when it did come, I was so scared because I wasn't aware that it ONLY LASTS FOR A WEEK EACH MONTH. All I was told was "When you get it, you have it for the rest of your life."

Scared the shit out of me.

I thought I had to wear a "diaper" every day and I figured right then that I should forget about competing in any track meets. I already thought I had an advantage because I had no chest (and I loved it). Honestly? I believe I was probably the happiest member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee in the history of the organization. Cleavage was too much of a compromise back then. Boobs slow you down. "Everyone knows that."

Now and days, I just look at my chest as something God forgot to provide. Kind of like an "Oops" with a slight snicker. My love for fashion soon outweighed my athletic ambitions and I remember moments in front of retail mirrors thinking, "I know I said I was happy without any but is it too late to ask for just a little bit?" My chest serves as my reminder to not play with prayer. That shit works. I have evidence in my barely B cup bra.

Hmmm....where was I going with this?

Oh yeah, menstruation.

Men stop cringing. We naturally bleed. Monthly. Get over it. And yes, I will talk about my period because I can, I want to, and it happens---like cellulite to really good people (tragic!). As a matter of fact, to reinvent my gloom & doom perspective I decided to make menstruation a celebration. As some of you know, I currently refer to it as my "Not a Mommy Party!" It reminds me that my current state of irresponsibility could be traded in at any moment for full-time adult accountability.

Presently, I'm on my 3rd year of research to prove something all women know to be true: the Man Period. Guys, I know the very word may cause you to trip over something you knew was there, like your foot [men-(hello!) struation-(goodbye!)]. But y'all do have a certain form of monthly nastiness that may not show up in undergarments but it's all in your attitude and temperament. You're short with people, you don't want to be bothered, no one can do anything right, and you manage to suck the life out of most things. Just like us. Yes, ladies and gents, we are united. We just need evidence.

Don't worry, ladies. I'm on the case.

Who knows?
We may eek out a Nobel Prize for these findings:o)

Ha Ha,

"6-Day Moses"

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

IGNO(RED): Blacks and AIDS/HIV

(I hate my blindspots.)

Today is National Black AIDS/HIV Awareness Day. Learning of this yesterday, here's what I became aware of :
So I looked to understand why things haven't changed.
Here's what I
'm thinking:

Then I looked at things that were being done today. Everyone's heard of Project (Red), right? If not, click here for background. Apple has a red iPod, Motorola created a red Razor cell phone, and The Gap made t-shirts and parkas. Now I understand the intention behind it, so don't think I'm dissing what the cause is about. But I was really turned off as I reviewed the campaign.

Apparently, this is what it takes to get our attention:
They make it cool.

and sexy...

But tell me,
what the hell is cool and sexy about AIDS and HIV?!?!
Using sex to advertise a disease that is mobilized by sex just seems "off".

Then I read this article:
(click here)
"...when a black person dies of AIDS, many times, regardless of the person's gender, behavior or sexual orientation, friends and family members say other illnesses caused the death."


For the affected demographic, sexual freedom and expression is practiced without much regard for consequence. It seems as if moral guidance doesn't hold much weight next to instant gratification. Pretending to be invincible to something that's quietly looming around you on a daily basis does nothing but make you right because
Death makes everyone invincible.

Get responsible.
Get tested.
Get informed.
Get real.
(Most of us can't afford not to.)

Click here for my homie Eddie's perspective!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

***DREAMGIRLS Review***

Okay, so I FINALLY saw Dreamgirls last night...
'Bout time, right?

Well, I already warned you how I am... remember X-Men 3?? I was amped, right? Couldn't WAIT. How about I didn't see it until Thanksgiving (after I bought it from Blockbuster). So anyhoo, I saw it and I didn't have anything "bad" or "negative" to say. I didn't have anything super great to say either. It was cool. Loved the costumes, hair, and makeup (I noticed that Beyonce's always seemed to be 2 steps above). Songs were good-- especially "Jimmy Got Soul!" (LMAO! Totally reminded me of the SNL James Brown "Hot Tub" skit). Beyonce didn't even get on my nerves (shocked me too!). But I left the theater thinking "Oscar worthy???" I was on board with the hype machine around the movie, but I have to admit I was a little disappointed. I was bracing myself to have my heart ripped from my chest and love every minute of it. But I didn't. I did, however, get goosebumps when J-Hud sang the "One Night Only" and the signature song. You know, she has that voice that'll give you guilt if you skipped church last Sunday. It will be very interesting to see how her career pans out in the long-run.

Eddie Murphy was great though! I liked him more than anyone else! Especially in the scene at the Christmas party when he was on the couch "sinning". THAT WAS ACTING! Did you see the non-verbal communication go down in that scene!?!? I loved it.

Yeah, I don't know much about movies. A lot of the ones I like don't win awards anyway, so I can't say I know what is worthy and what isn't. But I wasn't floored like I was hoping to be. I can't listen to Black people when it comes to movie award merit and credentials. Primarily because when Halle Berry won for "Monster's Ball", not one single solitary Negro could explain WHY she did. All I heard was "Halle! That's my girl! She PLAYED that part!" Huh? I'm sure if she didn't win (or include an interracial porn scene) a good number of folks wouldn't have cared anyway.

I clearly don't understand movies enough to know what qualifies people for big-time accolades like an Oscar or Academy Award.

And Beyonce has nothing to be bitter about (if she is).

She didn't suck, her story was told indirectly, and she played the role she should have-- herself. I wonder if LaTavia and LeToya watched the movie like "Unh huh...", rolling their eyes the whole time.

Now the Temptations movie????
THAT was that stuff right there!
Man, I had to hold it together when Blue died. I needed a moment. It was that same sadness when Luther Vandross made an appearance on some award show after his stroke, and couldn't do justice to his own song. I did the Denzel two-tear-stone-face-Glory movie cry. It was hard. Now if that won an award I could understand. Dreamgirls didn't get me like that.

Oh well.

They've won awards and I'm sure they'll continue to do so.

Friday, February 02, 2007

***America's Next Tyra Mess***

Who keeps letting her make this show????

When are these chicks going to get a grip and realize THIS SHOW DOES NOTHING FOR YOUR CAREER!?! Has ANYONE seen any of the past winners doing anything? Besides Eva Pigford, I can't. Anyway, after 22, I personally believe that if one hasn't already dipped in the supermodel fondue pot, you should eat some pasta and bread and wait for Maxim or King magazine to call. Or get a sugar daddy. It's not worth kissing Tyra's ever-expanding ass to play "The Fabulous Life of: Me!".

If ya'll don't stop picking up these skinny, generic-looking mall rats and club-hoppers, I'm going to write a letter. Actually, no. I'm going to write a petition and put 800 names from the phone book on it. You should not subject us (and those pitiful excuses for models) to this torture YEAR AFTER YEAR.

This was last season's troop of hopefuls:
Sad, ain't it? Even airbrushed these chicks look hurt. I'm sure they're great in other aspects of Life, but COME ON! Photography!?!? No.

Afro Barbie raises a good question:

Janet knew what time it was:
But you're over there FRONTIN':

I saw Tyra's reply.
(By the way, if one of her "friends" doesn't tell her that the dead muskrat-looking thing on her head is NOT HOT, I will.)

But please stop fronting like she's NOT in a position where she CAN gain weight without much consequence. She owns both of her shows! (If ratings suffer, then I bet she'll go on a salt &pepper diet!) But she played the game as long as she had to being 'skinny and perfect' so stop throwing tantrums on national television. You were a supermodel. Don't get mad cuz we believed it and now we don't. Besides, we know you're just building up to a big "How I Lost The Weight" episode anyway.

No one is saying curves aren't sexy.

Selma Hayek , Beyonce , and
Jennifer Lopez spoke on that already.

If you came in the game that size, would we care?

But you came in like this:

And now you look like this:
What? No one can speak on the obvious difference?
Get over yourself.

Quit your whining and sprinkle some Valium on that mac & cheese tonight.

P.S.- This brings me to another point.
I'm so sick of people blaming the fashion industry for eating disorders and weight standards. Think about it. If you are a fashion designer (which means you make CLOTHES for a living) who could sell your pieces for $3,000 or more, what would you rather be a focus during your commercial (also known as a FASHION SHOW): Your design work? Or some model's curves?

Women, you know the dangers of our curves. Who is going to pay attention to the dress when our boobs and butt are stealing the show? If I was a designer I'd be so pissed! Because the show is no longer about my work but some chick's body.

Tell 'em Whitney:

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