Monday, February 12, 2007
The Man Period
It has taken close to 12 years but I've FINALLY reached the point of feminine self-awareness where I can actually feel the commencement of menses. I didn't even learn that you could COUNT the days before it came until college. No one told me! (God bless that registration assistant.) So can you imagine my struggle in high school? Not only was I one of the LAST girls to get it (a late-bloomer in damn near every department), but I didn't get any warning signs: No cramps, no nausea, no PMS, no gas, no nothing. It was just "SURPRISE! I'm here!" Oh and when it did come, I was so scared because I wasn't aware that it ONLY LASTS FOR A WEEK EACH MONTH. All I was told was "When you get it, you have it for the rest of your life."
Scared the shit out of me.
I thought I had to wear a "diaper" every day and I figured right then that I should forget about competing in any track meets. I already thought I had an advantage because I had no chest (and I loved it). Honestly? I believe I was probably the happiest member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee in the history of the organization. Cleavage was too much of a compromise back then. Boobs slow you down. "Everyone knows that."
Now and days, I just look at my chest as something God forgot to provide. Kind of like an "Oops" with a slight snicker. My love for fashion soon outweighed my athletic ambitions and I remember moments in front of retail mirrors thinking, "I know I said I was happy without any but is it too late to ask for just a little bit?" My chest serves as my reminder to not play with prayer. That shit works. I have evidence in my barely B cup bra.
Hmmm....where was I going with this?
Men stop cringing. We naturally bleed. Monthly. Get over it. And yes, I will talk about my period because I can, I want to, and it happens---like cellulite to really good people (tragic!). As a matter of fact, to reinvent my gloom & doom perspective I decided to make menstruation a celebration. As some of you know, I currently refer to it as my "Not a Mommy Party!" It reminds me that my current state of irresponsibility could be traded in at any moment for full-time adult accountability.
Presently, I'm on my 3rd year of research to prove something all women know to be true: the Man Period. Guys, I know the very word may cause you to trip over something you knew was there, like your foot [men-(hello!) struation-(goodbye!)]. But y'all do have a certain form of monthly nastiness that may not show up in undergarments but it's all in your attitude and temperament. You're short with people, you don't want to be bothered, no one can do anything right, and you manage to suck the life out of most things. Just like us. Yes, ladies and gents, we are united. We just need evidence.
Don't worry, ladies. I'm on the case.