Friday, November 21, 2008

***After-School Specials***

Why did I post this?

I don't know. I guess it just took me back to elementary and high school, lol. Where nobody really wants to fight hard enough to hurt the other person, but just enough to make a point to everybody else. In elementary school, I used to take a different bus home when I knew something might pop off. It was a much longer walk home but the perks of being able to go to "The Candy Lady" and see an afterschool fight were too good to pass up. Sometimes I'd have to lug my cello with me but it was just that worth it sometimes, lol. Gotta love growing up in the A!

Monday, November 10, 2008

***Get it Together, Michelle!***

Okay now.

You can't come out like this....

but then have all this going on in the back...

That's deceptive.

You can't fool the American people, Michelle!

We've been through too much for you to be delivering these false hopes!

We're tired of being lied to, Michelle! Weapons of mass destruction...nice hairstyling...we don't need this!

You've got a lot more eyeballs on you and that hair these days so I'm going to need you to have some conversations about the pinch ponytails. Only for the gym and house chores!

Speaking of which, I was wrong. My theory of why it took Barak so long to come out has been dismantled by 'Tis cool. I can be wrong....sometimes (lol).

I mean, even today for me was very...ummm... "faux chic". I was doing my usual run/walk at the park and end up on camera for the local news. I was not representing. Anyone that was considering going natural is now officially a "Aw HELL Naw!"

I looked like The Morning After.

Actually no.

The Morning After at least grants you some smudged eyemakeup and maybe SOME type of concealer. No sir.

I was all exposed...raccoon eyes, uneven skin tone, washed out face ...just an embarrassment!

And I'll recover from this tragedy. Will I become one of those chicks who look cute when they're working out with their club-ready makeup and matching gear? No. But I vow to from here on out, slap a little black gel on these edges and hit up the waterproof mascara before I lace up my Nikes!

And that America, you can count on!
(I'm such a f'ing PATRIOT!)

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

*singing* I Said We're Moving on Uuuuup!

Whatchu say, Whatchu SAY!

I woke up at like 6am with crazy anxiety about the potential of today. I watched more television news in 24-hours than I have in all of the last 3 years. When it started getting close, I had to be by myself because solitude is how I like to deal with intense moments like this that are running on raw nerves. But even that began to feed my anxiety so I muted the television and did something completely unrelated--- I made ringtones. Peering at the screen every so often I saw Obama's lead of 207 votes on McCain's 67. Every other over-the-shoulder glance was frustrating because McCain was like 130-something and Obama was stuck at 207. Then I saw the banner at the bottom of the screen, "Barak Obama Elected President of the United States". I jumped up like "What? How? I thought you need 270 votes! He's only at 207, WTF!?!?"

Once I got closer to the screen, I realized that number was actually 297 and I got reeeeally quiet. Then once it hit me, my eyes just welled up with emotion. I couldn't hold it back, so I just cried. I don't even know if he's going to be able to do the damn thing BUT I do know that the race conversation in this country is shifting. Or perhaps it's already shifted and this is the validating evidence? Either way, beyond Black/White this is huge for EVERYONE because this silences all who think "they know" what this country is ready for and capable of.

This also shatters the glass ceiling of limits that Black people comfortably live under; completely prohibiting any progressive possibilities. In addition to that, Obama's win diminishes all kinds of excuses. Black people are now officially close to bankrupt on all of the reasons why they can't do/have/be what they want in their Life.

I guess we just needed to see it, you know? Visual examples are good for people who are creating images of themselves. Look at golf. Black people didn't pay any attention to it until Tiger Woods took it over. And has the game changed? No, but the players have. Now it's acceptable for "others".

That said, let me issue a public warning for those who may not be prepared for CPA moments:
Colored people (namely Blacks) are gonna act the damn fool.

I strongly advise all White people in managerial positions to lay low for a good 3-5 days. Why? Because at this moment, you can't tell Black people anything. And I do mean any damn thing. And you must NOT take it personally. This state of mind is equivalent to a "You're Not the Boss of Me!" retort. Consider yourself forewarned of potential workplace moments like this:

"Shaquintaleesha, I need 5 copies of this report on my desk in 10 minutes."

"I bet you do."
"Excuse me?"

"Kate, I ain't copying nothing in the next 10 minutes. I'm going to the bathroom and then I'm going to go to the snack machine and buy a honey bun. And when I'm done eating my honey bun, I'm going to call my cousin and ask her for some coupons so I can do some early Christmas shopping since I know yo' ass ain't giving me a raise no time soon."

"So when can I expect these reports?"
"When I'm good and gotdamn ready. Excuse me!"

That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. As a matter of fact my cousin in New Orleans is on vacation and she told me she's thinking about going into work tomorrow just to smile at folks and say "It's such a beautiful day! What'chall in here doing?" (lol)

The ignorant Coloreds are probably going to start a "Fukk the Po'lice" campaign. Like if you're White and a government official, you can kiss it where God split it.

That said, I'm going to need for someone (preferably Negro) to remind Ray Ray & 'nem that Bush is still the President and you still need your paycheck. So don't trip.

Now let's review....

McCain gave a great "I'm Out Dis' B*tch" speech. I mean he REALLY did. If you ignored it, shame on you, you shouldn't have. It set a nice tone for all the 2nd generation KKKlansmen,
in breeders, old-money-stacking, keeping-it-in-the-family, Jethro and Annie Mae
Clampett, change-resisting, old school closeted racial purists of the Republican
Party (Note: Not "all"). Those are the ones that I have to share Wal-Mart with.

McCain's concession speech made him both likable and respectable, and to be honest with you, I liked it better than Obama's "Hi Haters!" speech.

Next, you KNOW I have to throw kudos to my girl who was KILLING them in the makeup department! And that navy blue suit she rocked?? Deadly. The fit, the fabric, the color...*sigh*...I hate to see her go. Yeah, yeah...Michelle did her thing. But that design said "Black Widow Spider" to me and I just couldn't fall in love.

My final words to Sarah Palin:

Don't you dare donate a DAMN THING from your shopping spree! F*kk 'em all!

Those are YOUR Manolos!

And what in the Star Trek hell was CNN doing!?!?

They've got all this touch screen technology that was tripping me out! But I reeeeeally flipped when I saw (my ex-boo) Anderson Cooper interviewing one of the Black Eyed Pea members as a HOLOGRAM! WTF!?! Am I late? Is this how the news is done these days???

I do have a question though...

Why do you think it took Barak so long to come out and make that speech?

At first, I was thinking maybe they just wanted to make sure his security was tight. Then, I was thinking that maybe a whole bunch of people in his campaign circle caught the Holy Ghost and fell out (like they do in Baptist/Pentecostal Revivals), so he had to stop and entertain everyone who worked for free that wanted to pray over him.

But I think I got it now.

Pay attention to Exhibit A (below). Now look closely at Exhibit B on the right. These pictures were taken on November 4, 2008. If I'm counting correctly, that would equal one permed head and 2 naturals. So what? So everyone knows that Black salons need AT LEAST 3 hours to get you out and having natural hair myself, that's a good 4 hours. Minimum. And do you see the final results? (see very 1st pic of blog)

I rest my case.

So yes, America, be easy. I have used my knowledge for good and have brought you peace of mind.

You're welcome.

In closing, I would like to make a couple of suggestions to the Obama camp for thank you notes. I don't mean the obvious people like God, the speech writers, Oprah, or Michelle. I mean the REAL people that deserve a note of thanks for this election.

Suggestion #1- The creators and cast of the show "24". That's right. Now at it's 150th episode, this show has favorably planted the seed in the minds of millions of Americans with the serious image of a Black man as president (Sorry, Chris Rock). And say what you want, but even via entertainment, it made the idea less fantasy and more possible.

Suggestion #2- Jennifer Lopez. Yes, yes, J.Lo. Why? Because she almost single-handled improved race relations in America by making the Black woman's body culturally acceptable. How? She raised every White person's eyebrow when Ben Affleck (one of the most sought-after bachelors of Hollywood) wanted to marry her big balloon ass. Why does it matter? Because it dulled the taboo of interracial happenings and made hips and booty must-haves. She started that butt-injection craze. So here's this pop/urban Puerto Rican who's got this Hollywood bachelor wanting to settle down and everyone wants to know the secret. When they figured it was her ass(ets) they had to get one which made our natural ones THAT much more acceptable. It was no longer a bad thing to have a big butt and it for sure made ours okay. And if it's "okay" to appreciate nice butts then you already know Black chicks are gettin' overt kudos. Beyonce needs to thank her too!

Suggestion #3- The Obama Girl. That White woman pledged her love nationally from the very beginning and made him a sex symbol before Michelle could get those edges laid right. White chicks everywhere were taking a second look and White guys were quietly studying what all the noise was about.

Suggestion #4- The Cosby Show. Because ladies and gentlemen, the Black middle class family has become presidential:o)


This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?