Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Walk of the Moon

I don't think you all realize the extent of my vanity should I ever learn to Moonwalk.

No, really. I'm almost 73% certain that most of y'all would put me on permanent (or temporary) ignore if I were to master this sacred dance move. I'd be waaaay too full of myself. I'd be that arrogant Kanye West/Puffy type of asshole.

Life would probably go a little something like this....

"Joi! Why did you order that when you know I don't eat it?"
"Ummm...because I can Moonwalk, can YOU?"


"Excuse me ma'am, would you like to buy some M&Ms to help support our little league team?"
"Can ya'll Moonwalk?"


"Your total comes to $223.26"
"I'm sorry! I should have told you before you rung me up--- I can Moonwalk. What's the new total?"

Seriously, what could anyone tell me???

Despite my loyalty to MJ, back in the day I was all about MC Hammer.

Matter of fact, I didn't really get "over it" until 2003. In college, I went back and re-purchased Hammertime and Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em. But that wasn't enough. I decided to resurrect one of my many childhood dreams and just do the damn thing--I was gonna train to be a Hammer Girl. I don't care what you say, those chicks were BAD! They could do everything the boys could do AND they actually looked like women. My time had come. So I went to and purchased "Mc Hammer: Too Legit Videos".

I think I'm ready now.

So if ya'll ever hear any casting talk for another MC Hammer tv movie, look out for ya girl!


I know.

Wishful thinking.


Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Damn, Dayum, DAAYUMMM!!!

You know what word I really hate?

Doesn't it just SOUND gross? I just got goosebumps by saying that in my head. Ewwww! It's a word that provides an unsolicited visual for me. Yuck!

You know what else annoys the CRAP outta me?

1. When celebrities give beauty advice (on how to look like them). How are you gonna tell me how to look like you when YOU don't even look like you??

2. Repeat offenders. Do you ever experience them? It's that person that repeats EXACTLY what you just said in the recent past, only they present it as an original thought.

3. "It's good for you". People know they love their herbs and magic potions! If you say "Try some of's good for you." And I say "How?" or "What does it do?" And you can't answer that confidently or at all....reconsider what you just put inside your body and leave me alone.

4. When someone starts a probe (or "interview") with the whole "I want to get to know the REAL you" thing. No the hell you don't. You want to know if you can count on me to consistently benefit you. Whatever.

5. Super romantic admins. Silk flowers, 2 bottles of scented lotion, a crapload of inspirational quotes all over the place, and the latest trash novel tucked away somewhere behind their radio that's playing love songs or a Kenny G cd ALL DAMN DAY.

6. When a man will notice a chipped nail or split end before I do. Why are you all up in mine? Why do you even CARE?

7. How only the popular or late greats get quoted on stuff. What? The obscure nobodys have nothing important to say?

8. Hindsight revelations. Once, just once, I'd like to know that what I'm about to do is going to make me look like a dumbass BEFORE I actually do the deed.

9. When female athletes chest-but. Ouch! (Stop doing that!)

10. When people invite me to chaos. Get your shit together! If your house isn't in order, then why the hell are you throwing a party???

11. Noisey eaters. Why do you have to be so disgustingly vulgar by showing everybody what's on your tongue during a meal???? Why does it have to be SO LOUD that everybody knows you're eating something?

12. When fashion and beauty becomes more about trends and less about art and expression. I think that's why I dig Kelis so much right now. Her whole thing says "eff' yal!"l and it WORKS. Christina Aguilera's look (in candids) is veeery nice too.

13. There's this Lite-Rock station here in Atlanta called B 98.5. They play love songs from the 80's and 90's all f'ing day. It's definitely something you'll hear while you've been put on hold or while waiting in the doctor's office. Meatloaf is crooning, Rod Stewart is telling you how great you are, and Celine Dion is shouting about how she's someone's Layyyaadaaaayyyy. All day. All f'ing day people are calling in talking about how they wanna dedicate this song to that person and yadi yadi ya. The place I get my manicures at keeps it on, right. So I'm sitting there thinking "Who the hell wants to listen to this all day, EVERY DAY?" Then I reeeeallly listened to the people who were calling in. The midday DJ is some advice guru, so people are calling her up talking about all kinds of stuff. This one lady was stressed out because she was at a certain level in her Mary Kay training and was wanting to graduate so badly but she didn't think she had it in her. This chick was UPSET, okay? (I know. But maybe its really difficult, right? I've never tried it.) So then the DJ dedicated Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" song to her. Ya'll...

I know, I each his or her own.

But dayum!



I'm good now...


Tuesday, June 06, 2006


Do you think it's possible to be in love with more than one person simultaneously?

If so,
how much does it cost and when does it go on sale?

I'd really like to know because the concept alone is verrrry intriguing. Now in terms of monogamy, I'm not really sure how this would pan out. I'd want to be in a romantic relationship with the person I was in love with, huh? And to do that with more than one person definitely complicates things, huh?


I thought I was onto something!

Oh well:/

Speaking of monogamy... (I really need to find another transition phrase, lol)

Can a person cheat on you and ya'll still live happily ever after?

I know cheating is like the ULTIMATE deal-breaker for most relationships, but WHY?

Get it straight, I'm not saying that cheating is okay, but I'm asking what about cheating makes it such a dun-dun-DUNNNNN?

I've already had this conversation with several of you and while you provided some interesting thoughts, I have yet to find anything substantial.

Here's where this has gone thus far:

"Violation of Trust"- What makes a person untrustworthy? Lying in general? Lying to you? Telling certain kinds of lies? If that's the case, do you really believe that your partner hasn't lied to you before? Ask them. Then break it off for a violation of trust. (Yeah right).

"Embarrasment"- So you got your heartbroken and everyone knows. This would be different if the affair was of the closet sort? What does publicity have to do with the actual act at hand?

"Depends on What Kind of Cheating"- Apparently, there's emotional cheating and then there's physical cheating...or both. Degrees, if you will. I'm assuming this is man-logic because of the source and the ummm..."logic". If you physically cheat, it's as meaningless as scratching your butt. Unless it was good (not the butt scratching), which can bring in the emotional element that might have you develop an attachment, which would be bad. Amazing, huh? That's a slick azz justification, right?

So again, what does cheating actually MEAN?

Not what is it. Not what constitutes as cheating. No definitions.

Not what you would do or how you would feel, either. (Although feelings might lead to the source of the meaning for you)

I just want to know what it would mean for someone to cheat on you.

Okay, now why/how did I even think of this....

Lemonhead and Peter Rican.
(aka Kobe Bryant and wife)

You remember his affair with the Girl Gone Wild?

Now I will say this about him. In my personal opinion, I really think he loves that Peter Rican. And I don't think his love for his wife changed to any degree before, during, and after he got it on with Pink Toes. Even if no one found out. Hell, I'm sure that isn't the first time he's done it.

Had the money not been such a factor, who knows what would have been with them. (They might not have even gotten together.)

But in general...

What about cheating would have you walk away from someone who was DEEPLY in love with you and you her/him?


There are some life experiences that I'm just not interested in.

Namely tire changing, family cooking, lion taming, and childbirth.

I know, I know. "Joi? You don't want to have kids??? But you're so GOOD with them!"

Yeah, let me break that one down for you (I think I figured it out in February). You see, me and the wee folk are cool because I can think like them. I can get into their world view quite accurately, so its very easy to communicate with them (for the most part). On top of the fact that I like kids. I really, really do. But I ADORE the kids that I can give back.

Be clear. I didn't say I was opposed to motherhood. What I'm opposed to is pregnancy. I just don't think the excessive weight-gain, uncontrollable body changes, discomfort and pain are necessary.

Now I'll give it to some of ya'll--- you make it look good. You glow, you're happy, and your outfits are cute. But I've also seen some serious WTFs. I mean these women look like they've just lost a good street fight (just TOW' UP!). And see, I know how I am. I know that when I don't give a woo-hoo, I'm telling you alllllll it all falls downnnnnn! Some of ya'll know. You went to college with me. You lived/live with me. You know this. And yes, while I'd like to think that I'd be one of those "cute preggers", I already know and accept the truth.

The truth hurts and so does childbirth, so I'm STRAIGHT.

I can barely manage my period cramps! And I loathe being bloated. As I described to my homies, I feel like Violet (from Willie Wonka) right before she was rolled away to be "juiced". And you're talking 9 months of that?????


And I know I'll reach a new weight class. Ya'll know how I get down at the "Not A Mommy!" pre-game parties. If I see it or think about it, I'm eating it! 9 months of straight gluttony, homie?????


Speaking of being straight....

My mother swears that I'm going to marry a white man.

I know she's not alone in her thinking. Several of YOU boogers follow suit, however, I won't contest it.

I'll just say "We'll see."

My experience with white men thus far has proven to be quite favorable. They seem to be very accepting of me on a whole. Maybe its because our differences are so obvious, depreciating the other for who they aren't seems kind of pointless.

I honestly don't have a racial preference because Boston has shown me that Cute comes in alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll kinds of great, yummy packages.

ALL kinds:o)

So basically, I'm pretty open.

I don't do Fine though. Only Cute and/or Attractive. I have my reasons (trust me).

Seriously, I have yet to have a white guy measure me with the "Beyonce Stick". Maybe for the guy you have in mind (or yourself) it's not Beyonce, but its Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie, Eva Longoria, an get me--- whatever your "ideal woman" is. The whole plus/minus configurations of how close is she to ____?

Oh and this is NOT a man slam because women do it too! And just as often with our A.I, D'Angelo (pre-drug fall), 50 Cent, Brad Pitt, Pierce Brosnan, Derek Jeter sticks.

It's hard not to because we're all (men and women) taught to have standards, right? It's damn near natural.

It's just fun to not have the stick exist sometimes, you know?

But who knows?

Maybe one day I will marry a white man

and have a tribe of beige babies all in the name of love.....


Sorry, I couldn't keep a straight face.....






Sunday, June 04, 2006

Too Fine To Do Time

Back in the days of my young, superficial, immaturity.......

(shut up)

it REALLY used to bother me when rich people weren't attractive. I don't know why. I guess I figured that if you're worth that much you could buy a new face and body. But then again, being worth so much money could also be used as a silent eff' u.

I would get just as unsettled when I'd see couples that weren't aesthetically balanced AT ALL.

Since then, I've totally matured.

Now, I'm only upset by FINE CRIMINALS.

Man o man...

As a retired Court TV junkie, you could say that I've been around the profiler block a few times. The mugshot of the criminals would come up and I'd think "Yep, you look like a damn pedophile." or "She didn't know? He LOOKS like a rapist." or "Unh huh, psycho woman. Definitely has that 'kill with a hatchet' look."

I mean if you watch enough television and movies, you get the gist of what a "bad guy" looks like. They just have that "dun dun DUNNN!" look to them. Especially in those mugshots when they are just pissed off anyway.

But what happens when the criminals look like they could have gotten your number???

Case and point: Brian Nichols.


I was mad when I saw this picture. First off, when he was on the loose, my mom (rightfully so) was blowing up my cell to make sure I was on my way to somewhere safe. Weighing the likelihood of me getting killed by this dude vs. me (benefiting from the widespread panic and) standing in shorter lines at the mall, I decided to carry on with my Christmas shopping.

But when I saw his cute, deadly 'self on the news I couldn't help myself...

"HE did it????" I kept saying over and over again. "But HE could have been someone's Friday date!"

What a waste of good genes.

Granted, he might have been a man-whore before he was a criminal, but at least female whores could participate.

Now look at him.

What good is he to anyone in jail????

I hate it when that happens.

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