Tuesday, January 08, 2013


It's not that I'm afraid of marriage.

It's just that what I used to think it was, 
was very appealing to me.

having more of an understanding of what all it entails,
It's just not as attractive.

Sunday, January 06, 2013


Don't ask me "What's wrong?" if you've never shared what's wrong with you.

I don't want to touch that flame in front of someone who has only smelled the smoke from my eardrums.  

You are not invited to observe me experiment
(and explore the fire before me)...

You are not allowed to witness me dare myself to get closer and closer to that kind of heat.

Don't expect me to tell you what's troubling me because you consider our acquaintance "friendship".

I've seen all of my friends' burns...
new and old.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Beyonce Was My Homie??

I had the most bizarre dream last night.

I was at some night event in NYC with friends that Jay Z and Beyonce were attending (apparently).  Beyonce just starts chatting me up and before I know it, I'm no longer with those friends anymore.  We're walking around giggling and girlfriend talking like BFFs.  We are seriously walking around the place in the standard gal pal arm link have a good ol' time.  She even tried to hook me up with some bartender! Then its time for "the show" to start, so she leads me down a flight up steps while we are laughing and using each other to balance because our heels are stupid high.

  We get there and Jay Z is giving some kind of pep talk a boy band (Mindless Behavior-ish).  We are in a tight space to watch them perform and I keep bumping into Jay because it's so cramped.  I could tell he was biting his tongue because Beyonce wouldn't have liked it if he got pissy with me.  So I'm watching these kids perform and then Jay Z taps my shoulder and says "You gotta support, ma."  Now prompted, I'm cheering on the group and one member just stops performing.  He chokes and everyone gets thrown off.  I look at Jay to figure out what support is supposed to look like now, and then I wake up.

Weird, right?

Friday, September 14, 2012

Vulnerable Conversation



You know what I'm missing in my Life right now? 
Vulnerable conversations.  

  Dialogue that requires a safe space for a genuine exchange of honesty (the same honesty that gets hidden in our every day survival facade.)  Some might call it "deep conversation" but that's not what I'm talking about.  You have to shed some skin to be involved in the conversation.  If you don't say something you've never told anyone, you're not in a vulnerable conversation.  Vulnerable conversations require intimacy.  Not in the sexual context, but they have a similar level of emotional risk.  The convos I'm talking about are usually reserved for people I'm super close to emotionally, or someone I've gone out with a few times and have decided that I romantically like him more than a little.

In truth, I'm skeptical about how this can actually exist in my Life right now.  Lately, my conversations with family and friends are more bullet-pointed catch-ups because we're both way too busy for constant contact.  We both run on fumes of "He/She knows that I love/care about him/her.  We don't have to talk all the time." That's all true, but I miss those organic, reciprocally verbal probes.  I find myself forgetting or just flat out unaware of my own honest thoughts and feelings sometimes.  I don't like surprising myself as often as I do with some shallow latent revelation that would've naturally surfaced in an exchange that went beyond "How's work/married life/the kids/your dog/parents/the weather where you are?"

There's a time and place for it, I know.

Sometimes, I REALLY DO just want to know how work/married life/the kids/your dog/family/ the weather where you are is (going/are doing).

  But most of the time, I want more.  

I like to laugh but I like meaningful conversation too.  And that doesn't mean intellectual theory, opinions, or philosophy either.  Because that isn't coming from YOU, it's coming from something you've orchestrated to represent you.  It's a hard place to get to but its one of the greatest buzzes I've ever had.  Feeling (newly) connected to someone is flat out AWESOME.  It can give that unique experience of bliss and satisfaction that can last for WEEKS:-) I want more of it.

I guess I have some skin to shed...

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Expression Suppression?

I have a tendency to use trivial happenings as an excuse to vent and emote larger concerns, fears, and frustrations.  

Take today, for example.  I had my first appointment with the surgeon that would be removing a 13 cm cyst from my ovary.  I had no emotional reaction other than "Aww hell!", "Seriously???", "It's HOW BIG again?", and "Fuuuuuuuuuukkkkkk!" I was just focused on getting that sucker out so I could enjoi my Independence Day travel to Greece and Turkey (something I have been looking forward to since October!).

So I'm in the waiting room.  All of a sudden my mind starts racing and panic slowly starts to seep in.  Then my imagination took over.  I went from thinking about every current disappointing upset and frustration in my life to giving everyone else in the waiting room a death certificate.  I couldn't stop thinking "They're all going to die in a year." Isn't that awful? Well, thinking that depressed the shit outta me and by the time I was sitting in the room getting my blood pressure taken, I was sobbing.  Luckily, the nurse didn't ask "Are you okay?" (I hate that question.  Clearly, I'm having a moment that I'm not inviting you to be a part of.  Get the memo and move on.  Sometimes, I have to just go through stuff.  Answering your question isn't helping me so don't get involved.)



I know it was a combination of things.  It always is.  And the tipping point is always something  that's (in truth) stupid and irrelevant, but on the surface seems like I'm just being a sensitive female.  I remember getting a sweet birthday card one year that sent me to the bathroom to cry my eyes out.  Was I crying because of the card? For the first .32 seconds, perhaps.  The real reason? I was tight on funds, worried about school, pissed at one of my homies, and this guy I liked wouldn't "act right".

It's nothing I'm intentionally doing.  I have nothing against crying.

I cry at super kind & generous acts of love all the time.

But it'd be cool to have a timely because-of-what-just-happened-in-that-moment cry of frustration, (instead of everything else that happened right before).

Just once:-)

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Charming Bastards

There’s something to say about someone who disarms you with charm devoid of flattery or sexual attraction.

It’s such a weak spot for me.

Especially when they aren’t that physically attractive.

I’m at the point where it angers me.  Well, perhaps “anger” isn’t the word (sounds too strong).  It ___ me.

Like when being outplayed in an enjoyable strategy game like Scrabble…or checkers.
It’s less “Die of Dysentery!” and more “Crap! You won, you smug bastard!” (That’s how my competitive spirit congratulates, so yes, its better.)

I’m resentful of the predictable halo of favor and interest that I place around them during the playbacks that my brain loops for happy fixes throughout the day.  I detest the experience of being smitten. 

It’s such an angry ballerina move, but I intentionally do things to disrupt the emotional happenings slowly manifesting against my will.  Like I try to make them do something hurtful or something I won’t like.  I force them to turn me off.

So what’s the word?

Saturday, September 17, 2011


Remember that scene in "The Color Purple" movie, where teenage Celie is creeping around the mean White man's store stalking baby Olivia with her new Mommy (the preacher's wife) like a slave on the Underground Railroad??? 
                                             (wait...that doesn't make sense...anyway...)

I found myself doing that at Bloomingdale's yesterday!

Once again, I have given my heart to an inanimate object that I couldn't afford in Afterlife.  She is BEAUTIFUL! She is EXOTIC! She also doesn't go with ANYTHING I own (its mustard yellow ostrich leather with olive green accents).

Ladies and gents, I introduce to you, the DVF Harper Connect Leather Daybag:



With a HUGE tassel that makes life worth living!

I've had mental fantasies about this beautiful Diane Von Furstenberg bag for days now.  I loved the design alone but when I found out that the back of the purse unsnaps to reveal a holder for your iPad, everything went to a new level of emotional attachment. I don't even have an iPad!

So you can imagine how my heart sank when I saw this chick pick up my purse and take it with her to another section.  I followed that heifer like a FBI agent! When I caught myself peering around a pillar (as did this kid in a stroller), I thought to myself "This is how Celie felt in that store!" Only, the purse (technically) wasn't mine, and the little baby staring at me (technically) isn't a racist store owner.


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