E-RANTS AND INSIGHTS

I had a jarring conversation with a co-worker during Superbowl Sunday that had me messed up for a good 2 weeks until my recent epiphany. When I say I'm a shit to men, I don't mean that rude behavior we all know I'm capable of and prone to when provoked (or don't give a damn). I'm conscious of that. I mean the unconscious shittiness. The non-verbal "You can't do much for me" message I deliver over, and over, and OVER again that I didn't realize until about 2 weeks ago.

She and I were talking about our dating lives and she stated that she was on the hunt for a guy that had what she wanted and no longer was willing to date guys who only had 1/16 of what she was looking for. You know, the guys that may be good for this or that... or have one or two things you like about them. Nuh unh. She was done with that.

"So just like that, huh? Cold turkey?"

"What's the point? I'm never satisfied."

"Yeah, but that's the fun of dating! All the different personalities, experiences...there's just so much out there!"

"That's not fun to me anymore. I want to find a guy that fulfills me."

You know how you impulsively open your mouth to talk because you know speaking is appropriate (and expected) but your thoughts haven't solidified yet so you sound like you're about to throw up?


Being fulfilled by a man??? It was such a foreign concept to me. And even seeing myself struggle with the concept and idea of it stunned me. I had just NEVER looked at it that way. Men can make you happy, men can make you cry, you can love them, they can love you, they're great, they suck, etc.-- I had been through all of those spaces. But to be FULFILLED by one???? Couldn't swallow that.

When I want something, I'll figure out a way to get it until either 1. I get it, or 2. I don't want it anymore. And in terms of men, if it shows up in 2 or 3 different dudes that's just what it is and it's all good cuz I still benefit.


I wrestled with the notion for a while but when I stepped back and realized that if this is a conscious struggle, IMAGINE WHAT MY UNCONSCIOUS ACTIONS HAVE BEEN ALL THIS TIME!

And I'm not even saying that it's bad or wrong. It's just something that I have to be responsible for now that I'm conscious that I do this and it takes zero effort.

Wow. I treat guys I date pretty similar to my guy homies until I decide I like them (which is rare). And eventually, even with lukewarm interest, they all fade to black. And to be super honest with you, there aren't any dudes from Yesterday that I'm kicking myself about. It just makes me wonder what could've been if I had actually been AVAILABLE?

Because now I'm getting the difference between being "single" and being "available" in a whole new light. Dudes know when women are available. It's a certain energy they give off. And I for sure know I wasn't giving it, lol.





P.S- I think I now understand why this guy once said that I was "an unassuming mind f*ck". Go figure, lol.