Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Cheaters
Do you think it's possible to be in love with more than one person simultaneously?
If so,
how much does it cost and when does it go on sale?
I'd really like to know because the concept alone is verrrry intriguing. Now in terms of monogamy, I'm not really sure how this would pan out. I'd want to be in a romantic relationship with the person I was in love with, huh? And to do that with more than one person definitely complicates things, huh?
Dammit.
I thought I was onto something!
Oh well:/
Speaking of monogamy... (I really need to find another transition phrase, lol)
Can a person cheat on you and ya'll still live happily ever after?
I know cheating is like the ULTIMATE deal-breaker for most relationships, but WHY?
Get it straight, I'm not saying that cheating is okay, but I'm asking what about cheating makes it such a dun-dun-DUNNNNN?
I've already had this conversation with several of you and while you provided some interesting thoughts, I have yet to find anything substantial.
Here's where this has gone thus far:
"Violation of Trust"- What makes a person untrustworthy? Lying in general? Lying to you? Telling certain kinds of lies? If that's the case, do you really believe that your partner hasn't lied to you before? Ask them. Then break it off for a violation of trust. (Yeah right).
"Embarrasment"- So you got your heartbroken and everyone knows. This would be different if the affair was of the closet sort? What does publicity have to do with the actual act at hand?
"Depends on What Kind of Cheating"- Apparently, there's emotional cheating and then there's physical cheating...or both. Degrees, if you will. I'm assuming this is man-logic because of the source and the ummm..."logic". If you physically cheat, it's as meaningless as scratching your butt. Unless it was good (not the butt scratching), which can bring in the emotional element that might have you develop an attachment, which would be bad. Amazing, huh? That's a slick azz justification, right?
So again, what does cheating actually MEAN?
Not what is it. Not what constitutes as cheating. No definitions.
Not what you would do or how you would feel, either. (Although feelings might lead to the source of the meaning for you)
I just want to know what it would mean for someone to cheat on you.
Okay, now why/how did I even think of this....
If so,
how much does it cost and when does it go on sale?
I'd really like to know because the concept alone is verrrry intriguing. Now in terms of monogamy, I'm not really sure how this would pan out. I'd want to be in a romantic relationship with the person I was in love with, huh? And to do that with more than one person definitely complicates things, huh?
Dammit.
I thought I was onto something!
Oh well:/
Speaking of monogamy... (I really need to find another transition phrase, lol)
Can a person cheat on you and ya'll still live happily ever after?
I know cheating is like the ULTIMATE deal-breaker for most relationships, but WHY?
Get it straight, I'm not saying that cheating is okay, but I'm asking what about cheating makes it such a dun-dun-DUNNNNN?
I've already had this conversation with several of you and while you provided some interesting thoughts, I have yet to find anything substantial.
Here's where this has gone thus far:
"Violation of Trust"- What makes a person untrustworthy? Lying in general? Lying to you? Telling certain kinds of lies? If that's the case, do you really believe that your partner hasn't lied to you before? Ask them. Then break it off for a violation of trust. (Yeah right).
"Embarrasment"- So you got your heartbroken and everyone knows. This would be different if the affair was of the closet sort? What does publicity have to do with the actual act at hand?
"Depends on What Kind of Cheating"- Apparently, there's emotional cheating and then there's physical cheating...or both. Degrees, if you will. I'm assuming this is man-logic because of the source and the ummm..."logic". If you physically cheat, it's as meaningless as scratching your butt. Unless it was good (not the butt scratching), which can bring in the emotional element that might have you develop an attachment, which would be bad. Amazing, huh? That's a slick azz justification, right?
So again, what does cheating actually MEAN?
Not what is it. Not what constitutes as cheating. No definitions.
Not what you would do or how you would feel, either. (Although feelings might lead to the source of the meaning for you)
I just want to know what it would mean for someone to cheat on you.
Okay, now why/how did I even think of this....
Lemonhead and Peter Rican.
(aka Kobe Bryant and wife)
(aka Kobe Bryant and wife)
You remember his affair with the Girl Gone Wild?
Now I will say this about him. In my personal opinion, I really think he loves that Peter Rican. And I don't think his love for his wife changed to any degree before, during, and after he got it on with Pink Toes. Even if no one found out. Hell, I'm sure that isn't the first time he's done it.
Had the money not been such a factor, who knows what would have been with them. (They might not have even gotten together.)
But in general...
What about cheating would have you walk away from someone who was DEEPLY in love with you and you her/him?
Comments:
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wow...this one is loaded. i'm nervous..don't wanna give a definition! LOL
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seriously..as much as i want to say "no, OF COURSE YOU CAN'T be in love with two people at the same time"- as of late, i actually believe you can. it's incredibly selfish, but i do think it's possible.
of course it doesn't work in a monogamous situation, but it can happen. this makes me think of a commercial i saw on like TLC or something...one girl and 2 guys were all living and loving in a relationship. i didn't want to watch because it sounded sick- but i'm sure it involved some heartache.
as for cheating, you really made me think joiia, about what it REALLY means. many of the assumptions you challenged were my catch-all beliefs. now as i rethink it, i think it represents both respect and your commitment to a future together. if the other person is willing to risk it, it sort of puts the priority of the relationship at question.
i would walk away from someone who loves me deeply and whom i love deeply IF i didn't feel we equally valued each other and the relationship. love means WHAT if you're not responsible with it?! what the hell am i loving you for if we're on two different planes about where we headed??
does this make sense?
i guess cheating = interest in other paths. if you can't keep up because you're too busy "exploring", you get left behind.
and it's disrespectful because i started this "journey" WITH you and just FOR you...you wasted my time.
--------
seriously..as much as i want to say "no, OF COURSE YOU CAN'T be in love with two people at the same time"- as of late, i actually believe you can. it's incredibly selfish, but i do think it's possible.
of course it doesn't work in a monogamous situation, but it can happen. this makes me think of a commercial i saw on like TLC or something...one girl and 2 guys were all living and loving in a relationship. i didn't want to watch because it sounded sick- but i'm sure it involved some heartache.
as for cheating, you really made me think joiia, about what it REALLY means. many of the assumptions you challenged were my catch-all beliefs. now as i rethink it, i think it represents both respect and your commitment to a future together. if the other person is willing to risk it, it sort of puts the priority of the relationship at question.
i would walk away from someone who loves me deeply and whom i love deeply IF i didn't feel we equally valued each other and the relationship. love means WHAT if you're not responsible with it?! what the hell am i loving you for if we're on two different planes about where we headed??
does this make sense?
i guess cheating = interest in other paths. if you can't keep up because you're too busy "exploring", you get left behind.
and it's disrespectful because i started this "journey" WITH you and just FOR you...you wasted my time.
# posted by 
: 11:57 PM
: 11:57 PM
Interesting!
So does your standard of relationship (who will commit and respect your future together) apply to being in love with them? I ask because if that MUST be in place (which I assume because cheating would mean that's what's missing from your relationship)wouldn't that make your love conditional? And isn't conditional love NOT what fuels longevity (if that's what you're going for)?
I like that though. Cheating means that one isn't responsible with the relationship.
But why does a relationship that doesn't work out have to be viewed as a waste of time? I guess my thinking is that how much "invisible steering" is taking place? There isn't much room for freedom when everything you do is in order to get somewhere, you know? You constantly have to be "on the path to" and make you and/or them fit into something ideal you'd like in the future. Which is damn near impossible because we can't even control ourselves enough to control others. So its like you're almost setting yourself up to be disappointed...
Ooooh new thoughts:o)
Thanks!GREAT comment!
So does your standard of relationship (who will commit and respect your future together) apply to being in love with them? I ask because if that MUST be in place (which I assume because cheating would mean that's what's missing from your relationship)wouldn't that make your love conditional? And isn't conditional love NOT what fuels longevity (if that's what you're going for)?
I like that though. Cheating means that one isn't responsible with the relationship.
But why does a relationship that doesn't work out have to be viewed as a waste of time? I guess my thinking is that how much "invisible steering" is taking place? There isn't much room for freedom when everything you do is in order to get somewhere, you know? You constantly have to be "on the path to" and make you and/or them fit into something ideal you'd like in the future. Which is damn near impossible because we can't even control ourselves enough to control others. So its like you're almost setting yourself up to be disappointed...
Ooooh new thoughts:o)
Thanks!GREAT comment!
wow...again. that opened up a WHOLE 'nother set of "issues", but again, i think you're onto something.
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i guess that does make my love conditional, but in the grand scheme i feel personally (with my guarded self) that unconditional love is almost foolish. to say "i'll love you nucca no matter WHAT you do or WHAT you put me through?!"- is THAT what unconditional love is? i don't think i have it in me, honestly.
you are on point though about my idea that we have to "on a path" in order to be together. IF it's a relationship. sure, i can date with no expectations except having a good friend to go out with/chat with from time to time. i've gotten GREAT with keeping expectations/drama out of the dating game.
for some reason if it progresses beyond dating into monogamy, it signifies your on-ramp to the love expressway. you on that badboy, like it or not. we're in the carpool lane buddy. TOGETHER.
i can't help but feel like we're on a path to somewhere...it's a default feeling to feel that we've "wasted our time" on someone, because we had to make an exit before our destination (marriage, i'll assume). now that i've actually experienced some "time wasters" i TRULY know that they were put in my life to teach me things about myself, to show me MY imperfections, and to learn more about what I DON'T want from the next man. I'm learning how NOT to present myself (because I think we teach others how to treat us) to end up with what I don't want again.
I feel like I'm getting off-track here (let me go reread)...
Okay- my belief is that mutual respect and commitment to your future together is what fuels longevity. The passion fades, I think mutual respect and commitment to the future together is the skeleton of the body of love. Trust and other things that we equate with elements of love are simply organs...if they stop working, love might die. Or, you could resuscitate it and keep love alive.
i don't know what more my limited experience can offer. i've admittedly not been a risk-taker in love. i CHRONICALLY try to control or assume the outcome BEFORE i end up hurt.
i've learned that doesn't work...that's why i haven't been in a relationship in a while (aside from the fact that i haven't met a tempting suitor). still...the next time, i plan to just do me, let him do him, accept him for who he is AT THAT MOMENT (not holding out for some hypothetical future date that he might "become" something I THINK I want..at this age, he is who he is..I can take him or leave him, but it's not my job to change him.)
It's funny I found myself blaming the last guy for wasting MY time, when all along he WAS BEING who he was...I was too silly to think that I had the magic **** that would cause him to wake up and become someone he wasn't.
*Okay, I'm getting off track again* But Joiia...good ol' Joiia...you're one HELLUVA moderator, gurl. THOUGHT PROVOKING INDEED!
Hope there was something meaningful in there...
lg
---------
i guess that does make my love conditional, but in the grand scheme i feel personally (with my guarded self) that unconditional love is almost foolish. to say "i'll love you nucca no matter WHAT you do or WHAT you put me through?!"- is THAT what unconditional love is? i don't think i have it in me, honestly.
you are on point though about my idea that we have to "on a path" in order to be together. IF it's a relationship. sure, i can date with no expectations except having a good friend to go out with/chat with from time to time. i've gotten GREAT with keeping expectations/drama out of the dating game.
for some reason if it progresses beyond dating into monogamy, it signifies your on-ramp to the love expressway. you on that badboy, like it or not. we're in the carpool lane buddy. TOGETHER.
i can't help but feel like we're on a path to somewhere...it's a default feeling to feel that we've "wasted our time" on someone, because we had to make an exit before our destination (marriage, i'll assume). now that i've actually experienced some "time wasters" i TRULY know that they were put in my life to teach me things about myself, to show me MY imperfections, and to learn more about what I DON'T want from the next man. I'm learning how NOT to present myself (because I think we teach others how to treat us) to end up with what I don't want again.
I feel like I'm getting off-track here (let me go reread)...
Okay- my belief is that mutual respect and commitment to your future together is what fuels longevity. The passion fades, I think mutual respect and commitment to the future together is the skeleton of the body of love. Trust and other things that we equate with elements of love are simply organs...if they stop working, love might die. Or, you could resuscitate it and keep love alive.
i don't know what more my limited experience can offer. i've admittedly not been a risk-taker in love. i CHRONICALLY try to control or assume the outcome BEFORE i end up hurt.
i've learned that doesn't work...that's why i haven't been in a relationship in a while (aside from the fact that i haven't met a tempting suitor). still...the next time, i plan to just do me, let him do him, accept him for who he is AT THAT MOMENT (not holding out for some hypothetical future date that he might "become" something I THINK I want..at this age, he is who he is..I can take him or leave him, but it's not my job to change him.)
It's funny I found myself blaming the last guy for wasting MY time, when all along he WAS BEING who he was...I was too silly to think that I had the magic **** that would cause him to wake up and become someone he wasn't.
*Okay, I'm getting off track again* But Joiia...good ol' Joiia...you're one HELLUVA moderator, gurl. THOUGHT PROVOKING INDEED!
Hope there was something meaningful in there...
lg
# posted by : 7:10 PM
: 7:10 PM
Yes, I do agree with you. I do think that commitment fuels longevity:o) So my question is "If the commitment is conditional, where lies the commitment?"
If it seems to vanish, then we might be talking about something else--- like a mutual agreement. Agreements have terms (see here: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/agreement)
Commitments are just that-- a commitment: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/commitment
And this is exactly where I feel so many people get screwed up. We call it a commitment when there are terms to the relationship. If you being there with that person is conditional then its not a commitment.
When the fear of being played or looking foolish come into play, hells yeah ain't nobody trying to STAY there. But you have to call a spade a spade. You just aren't committed.
This is exactly how I know that I'm not ready for marriage. It's a true voyage into the unknown for the simple fact that I am giving my word that I will be with him, come what may, until I die.
Commitment = Integrity.
It's just that simple.
Agreements aren't less than or bad. They are just agreements. Commitment isn't this golden action either. It's just a commitment. You just have to know what it is you are deciding to do.
You can't say "I do" or "I will" when what you're really saying is "I do/will as long as you..."
Nope.
Commitments AREN'T conditional.
Period.
If it seems to vanish, then we might be talking about something else--- like a mutual agreement. Agreements have terms (see here: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/agreement)
Commitments are just that-- a commitment: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/commitment
And this is exactly where I feel so many people get screwed up. We call it a commitment when there are terms to the relationship. If you being there with that person is conditional then its not a commitment.
When the fear of being played or looking foolish come into play, hells yeah ain't nobody trying to STAY there. But you have to call a spade a spade. You just aren't committed.
This is exactly how I know that I'm not ready for marriage. It's a true voyage into the unknown for the simple fact that I am giving my word that I will be with him, come what may, until I die.
Commitment = Integrity.
It's just that simple.
Agreements aren't less than or bad. They are just agreements. Commitment isn't this golden action either. It's just a commitment. You just have to know what it is you are deciding to do.
You can't say "I do" or "I will" when what you're really saying is "I do/will as long as you..."
Nope.
Commitments AREN'T conditional.
Period.
she's not puerto rican she's mexican.
from ensenada, baja california.
get it right.
from ensenada, baja california.
get it right.
# posted by : 7:19 PM
: 7:19 PM
Dear "bb",
Thank you for taking the time to Google the bio of your shero, Vanessa "What Bytch!?!" Bryant. Unfortunately, due to overwhelming majority, nobody really gives a fukk what she is or where she's from. Thank you for your necessary, crucial, and highly impactful addition to a conversation that was clearly about race.
You rock.
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Thank you for taking the time to Google the bio of your shero, Vanessa "What Bytch!?!" Bryant. Unfortunately, due to overwhelming majority, nobody really gives a fukk what she is or where she's from. Thank you for your necessary, crucial, and highly impactful addition to a conversation that was clearly about race.
You rock.
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