E-RANTS AND INSIGHTS: Riiiiiiiiiiight

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Riiiiiiiiiiight

There are some life experiences that I'm just not interested in.

Namely tire changing, family cooking, lion taming, and childbirth.

I know, I know. "Joi? You don't want to have kids??? But you're so GOOD with them!"

Yeah, let me break that one down for you (I think I figured it out in February). You see, me and the wee folk are cool because I can think like them. I can get into their world view quite accurately, so its very easy to communicate with them (for the most part). On top of the fact that I like kids. I really, really do. But I ADORE the kids that I can give back.

Be clear. I didn't say I was opposed to motherhood. What I'm opposed to is pregnancy. I just don't think the excessive weight-gain, uncontrollable body changes, discomfort and pain are necessary.

Now I'll give it to some of ya'll--- you make it look good. You glow, you're happy, and your outfits are cute. But I've also seen some serious WTFs. I mean these women look like they've just lost a good street fight (just TOW' UP!). And see, I know how I am. I know that when I don't give a woo-hoo, I'm telling you alllllll it all falls downnnnnn! Some of ya'll know. You went to college with me. You lived/live with me. You know this. And yes, while I'd like to think that I'd be one of those "cute preggers", I already know and accept the truth.

The truth hurts and so does childbirth, so I'm STRAIGHT.

I can barely manage my period cramps! And I loathe being bloated. As I described to my homies, I feel like Violet (from Willie Wonka) right before she was rolled away to be "juiced". And you're talking 9 months of that?????

HELLLLLLLS NO!

And I know I'll reach a new weight class. Ya'll know how I get down at the "Not A Mommy!" pre-game parties. If I see it or think about it, I'm eating it! 9 months of straight gluttony, homie?????

I'm STRAIGHT.

Speaking of being straight....

My mother swears that I'm going to marry a white man.

I know she's not alone in her thinking. Several of YOU boogers follow suit, however, I won't contest it.

I'll just say "We'll see."

My experience with white men thus far has proven to be quite favorable. They seem to be very accepting of me on a whole. Maybe its because our differences are so obvious, depreciating the other for who they aren't seems kind of pointless.

I honestly don't have a racial preference because Boston has shown me that Cute comes in alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll kinds of great, yummy packages.

ALL kinds:o)

So basically, I'm pretty open.

I don't do Fine though. Only Cute and/or Attractive. I have my reasons (trust me).

Seriously, I have yet to have a white guy measure me with the "Beyonce Stick". Maybe for the guy you have in mind (or yourself) it's not Beyonce, but its Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie, Eva Longoria, an ex-girlfriend....you get me--- whatever your "ideal woman" is. The whole plus/minus configurations of how close is she to ____?

Oh and this is NOT a man slam because women do it too! And just as often with our A.I, D'Angelo (pre-drug fall), 50 Cent, Brad Pitt, Pierce Brosnan, Derek Jeter sticks.

It's hard not to because we're all (men and women) taught to have standards, right? It's damn near natural.

It's just fun to not have the stick exist sometimes, you know?

But who knows?

Maybe one day I will marry a white man