Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Alegbra
I'm stressing ya'll.
I'm trying not to. I don't want to. But I can't help it.
What was once a mild anxiety has now progressed to full-blown PANIC.
My Plan A and Plan B have officially failed, and my brain can't convince me of a good Plan C. Hell, there is no Plan C. I'm currently living each moment in hope. (which I HATE) Hope is for the hopeless, and I'm not that at all.
So how exactly is this going to work out?
How am I going to pay for my Kaplan class by the deadline? I've gotta come up with $1,500 in 3 damn days.
Initially, (this was my Plan A, by the way) I was going to bust my ass at work and have it set up just in time.
Nope. Got word yesterday morning that the arrangements were changed, so all of my comissions aren't coming until September.
So then, Plan B, I was thinking that I could do some promotion for PCC and get it that way.
Nope. Site wasn't ready in time. (It's launched now, though: www.givemepresence.com)
What to do?
I refuse to forego it altogether. I created a plan 3-4 months ago that started with this job and ended with Grad school next fall.
Yesterday in my brainstorming, I kinda shocked myself. I realized that I love to contribute to people, but I don't let people contribute to me. If it was a rational contribution, then it wouldn't bother me. But in this particular instance, I don't see much rationality at all.
If I have a need that I can't fulfill or any of my rational resources, then I'll totally deny myself (with bitter disappointment sandwiched in between airtight justification).
Because wanting or needing anything outside of my available resources is a dependency. And to be dependent is bad. It's bad because it means you're weak. You're weak because you aren't able to do for yourself, and you aren't independent. And independence is good. Because you don't need anyone to get or have what you want.
But you'll always need someone for something, right?
There's evidence for that everywhere. Business, commerce, family, etc. No (wo)man is an island, right? Hate it or love it, people need people.
So I guess I should get rid of the guilt, huh? Erase the morality of it and focus on the bottom line.
Instead of 1+2=3
create X+Y=3
There's more room for things to pop off if I'm not so hung up on the methodology. Focusing on the end goal gives possibility a lot more room to do it's thing. Possibility says "X" and "Y" can be negative or positive numbers/experiences. And even though they are both variables the outcome is fixed.
Okay...
I'm letting go of "1" and "2".
I'm going to create possibilites of "X" and "Y" to have my need fulfilled. I have to be open to "X" or "Y" possibly being people that I would never talk about stuff like this to, or means that I never knew existed.
My attitude sucks.
As soon as I said that, my pride curled into the fetal position and said "Nuh Unh!"
Dammit.
Back at square one:o\
I'm trying not to. I don't want to. But I can't help it.
What was once a mild anxiety has now progressed to full-blown PANIC.
My Plan A and Plan B have officially failed, and my brain can't convince me of a good Plan C. Hell, there is no Plan C. I'm currently living each moment in hope. (which I HATE) Hope is for the hopeless, and I'm not that at all.
So how exactly is this going to work out?
How am I going to pay for my Kaplan class by the deadline? I've gotta come up with $1,500 in 3 damn days.
Initially, (this was my Plan A, by the way) I was going to bust my ass at work and have it set up just in time.
Nope. Got word yesterday morning that the arrangements were changed, so all of my comissions aren't coming until September.
So then, Plan B, I was thinking that I could do some promotion for PCC and get it that way.
Nope. Site wasn't ready in time. (It's launched now, though: www.givemepresence.com)
What to do?
I refuse to forego it altogether. I created a plan 3-4 months ago that started with this job and ended with Grad school next fall.
Yesterday in my brainstorming, I kinda shocked myself. I realized that I love to contribute to people, but I don't let people contribute to me. If it was a rational contribution, then it wouldn't bother me. But in this particular instance, I don't see much rationality at all.
If I have a need that I can't fulfill or any of my rational resources, then I'll totally deny myself (with bitter disappointment sandwiched in between airtight justification).
Because wanting or needing anything outside of my available resources is a dependency. And to be dependent is bad. It's bad because it means you're weak. You're weak because you aren't able to do for yourself, and you aren't independent. And independence is good. Because you don't need anyone to get or have what you want.
But you'll always need someone for something, right?
There's evidence for that everywhere. Business, commerce, family, etc. No (wo)man is an island, right? Hate it or love it, people need people.
So I guess I should get rid of the guilt, huh? Erase the morality of it and focus on the bottom line.
Instead of 1+2=3
create X+Y=3
There's more room for things to pop off if I'm not so hung up on the methodology. Focusing on the end goal gives possibility a lot more room to do it's thing. Possibility says "X" and "Y" can be negative or positive numbers/experiences. And even though they are both variables the outcome is fixed.
Okay...
I'm letting go of "1" and "2".
I'm going to create possibilites of "X" and "Y" to have my need fulfilled. I have to be open to "X" or "Y" possibly being people that I would never talk about stuff like this to, or means that I never knew existed.
My attitude sucks.
As soon as I said that, my pride curled into the fetal position and said "Nuh Unh!"
Dammit.
Back at square one:o\
