Monday, March 19, 2007
No, I'm not talking super dry skin. When something gets cracked its imperfect, right? For some it might lose value or it might not but, however you look at it, it's different in a not-so-great way. Your face is one of the major parts of your identity so when it gets "cracked" it's just another way to say you were embarrassed by something.
Anyhoo, yesterday I got my face cracked in front of like 4 or 5 people. I'm in this class and part of the whole point is to deliver this presentation by the end of it. Well, yesterday I had my practice presentation and it didn't go well at all. I get up in front of the room and about 5 minutes into it, I make my first mistake. Now mentally stuck in a "I can't believe I just did that" moment, and I make another one. By the time I make my 4th mistake, I'm like "Fukkit. It's already ruined. There's no point now." Yet I continue to give the presentation on top of that. Not "despite", but "on top of". Not "in perseverance" but in a "Get this over with!" way.
This presentation is 1.5 hours long. I literally stopped like 5 times trying to come up with ways to bail because I felt foolish and was humiliated by how horribly I was doing. I just unraveled in front of the room. By the end of it I was in tears. And certainly not wanting to participate in the feedback session that followed either. I knew I bombed. And I knew I was going to get the pity compliments. In summer track meets, there's always that kid who is running a race like the 800 meter or the mile and is slow as molasses. The other kids are in the grass putting their sweats back on and he/she is still running the race. And what happens during the last 100 meters? The audience erupts in encouragement with their cheers and applause as he/she finally crosses the finish line. Pity claps.
I hated that crap.
So anyway, I'm driving home and I saw how significant I am to myself. I really saw myself as being above that practice presentation. I was nonchalant about it because the parts I had practiced were impressive to myself, lol. I was like "Wow, I really look and sound like I know what's up!" But when my idealism was dented in my first couple of mistakes, I took me down. All of a sudden my presentation wasn't good enough and I wanted to just stop and save face. When I'm invited to participate in something, I won't agree unless I know things will be done well. I refuse to associate myself with sub-par productions and events. Well, I couldn't disassociate me with myself so I was stuck and was forced to deal with what was coming up within...constantly. There wasn't anywhere to hide (which is probably why I stopped so many times).
In the end, I really got how my attachments to my idealisms are a hindrance instead of the motivation I thought they were. It's one thing to say "This is what I want" but when I become glued to "And this is how it has to happen", I'm learning to take a step back. And you know what else? I also now see that whenever I get my face cracked, I'm just being significant. And yes, I am important and I do matter.