Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Chef Boys-Not-Me

I would like to take a moment to pay my respects to the Betty Crockers and Chef Boyardees out there.

Y'all are great people. For realz. Not just because you can create magic whenever you want (with resources). But you have a talent that I not only value and appreciate, it's one that I have absolutely NO INTEREST in developing.

I'm so impressed by many of my homies. Y'all can GET DOWN in the kitchen and it is really something to witness and enjoi. A few years ago my uncle cooked for the family as he usually does when he visits. But it was this particular night where I finally understood why men want women who can cook. The "Do you cook?" question was always such a big turnoff for me until this moment. I had come from a hellish day at work, and a frustrating class right after that. I was tired. I was hungry. I was bitchy.

I turn the key, walk in, and INSTANTLY I'm smelling something that carries me without legs. I wash my hands and sit down to food that not only aesthetically matched it's smell, but it TASTED GREAT. It was such a mood shift that I couldn't ignore the power of what just happened. To have that experience as a default on the regular? That's just dope on another level.

So what's my big whoop against cooking?

Well, for one, that shit is WORK. Straight up labor-intensive work that requires attention and instinct. I lack both of these requirements. Besides, I've come to terms in the past year or so with my laziness. Now that I have finally accepted it, I can clearly avoid manual labor with honest integrity. And I ain't down.

Secondly, recipes LIE.
They will create and sell you entire books of flat out lies. 30-minute meals my ass. How about they factor in the real deal and estimate how long it's going to take you to chop up and mix everything before...actually no. Let's go to the required grocery shopping time beforehand, THEN add in the prep time. After you expire that HOUR of your life that will never come back, you now have to cook the damn thing. Oh but you aren't finished...no sir! You have to CLEAN UP after all is said and done. Now you tell me how accurate any recipe's cook time is.

[Besides, I've never fried a thing in my life and I'm scared of hot grease getting anywhere near me. French fries are great but that's what Checkers is for. I don't need to try at home what they already perfect in drive-thru.]

My last complaint about cooking is that it is EMOTIONALLY HIGH RISK. You can spend all of that time shopping, prepping, and cooking only to have the food you made to NOT be pleasing to those you serve it to...how whack is that? Honestly? I would cuss someone out who didn't eat what I spent all that time making. For realz. And they clean up.

And I know what you're thinking,
"Well how do you expect to get married and feed your family without being able to cook?"
To that question, I respond with this:

I will let that marinate, and YOU can take a wild guess at what my matrimonial and motherhood ambitions are at this moment in my life....



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