E-RANTS AND INSIGHTS

Week before last, I visited a church not too far away from the crib of the Parental Unit. Now let me give you some background about this "chuuch". This particular church is a spin-off of another (by the same name) in a different area, and same magnitude. Kind of like how "A Different World" was a spin-off of "The Cosby Show"? Yeah...that was new to me too. So anyway, I get there for the first-time ever 11:45 service. Why it couldn't just start at noon is beyond me, but whatever. I went.

So I'm greeted at the door, escorted and seated. The choir is singing and the band is jamming. I mean getting DOWN! Lemme tell you something, you ain't gotta like God. You ain't gotta like religion. You ain't even gotta like Black people. But you have to be deaf and dumb to not appreciate the Praise and Worship part of a Baptist Church. The music and singing can just be ON POINT! When the singers hit certain notes, you almost forget that they are as trifling as you are. Almost.

However, the band will never be outdone and will always reclaim the spotlight cuz they'll get the singers leanin' and rockin' in the choir stand. I've also learned that the musicians are crucial for the "Come to Jesus" part of the service. I've gone to a church (you know what I'm talking about) where the music was straight up game show like. It had that whole tick-tock-you're-running-out-of-time-you-evil-unholiness. With background music that progressively speeds up after each "Oh yall don't hear me..." you're guaranteed at least 5 "I ain't sinnin' no mo!" folks down the aisle.


You gotta watch them though. Cuz those sneaky folks will pull one on you real quick. You start singing "Blessed Assurance" but for some reason have the urge to walk it out. If you listen closely, you might catch the secular remix. Thus far, I've caught Biggie's "Crush On You", "Purple Rain", and some Earth, Wind, and Fire.

So anyway, after a good 8 choir selections and a slip up during a testimony I realize that the Pimp... I mean PASTOR is running late. Never before with my Negro eyeballs have I witnessed such a thing but it all made sense. The announcements were made, the second offering had been taken, the prayers had been prayed, it was time for the finale...20 minutes ago. Folks were stalling for time. But I wasn't irritated at all. No sir! Why? Cuz not only did I find this incredibly humorous, but I learned that I lucked up on one of my favorite Christian experiences: If you know what I mean, you know what I mean. Most Baptist churches do grape juice and crackers. And folks will slurp, gulp, and throw those little plastic tongue-splashers BACK! It's always fun to see who the alcoholics might be. When I was little, I used to be so upset that I couldn't have a "snack" like the grown ups. Then when I finally was able to participate, I was a greedy ass and I always went for the fullest cup. Now, I take my Communion Shot after everyone else to enjoi the quick inhibition of the subconscious.