Wednesday, July 04, 2007

The Annual

So yesterday I had an appointment with the cold duck lips. I really hate annuals but whatever. It is what it is. So I'm in the waiting room surrounded by bellies of soon-to-be-here babies and I'm thinking to myself, "It must really suck to be full-blown pregnant in this hot ass weather."

And two of these chicks were that nasty pregnant.

That perma-frown, back-holding, waddle-walking, breathing-through-her-mouth-cuz-the-kid's-head
-is-resting-on-her-right-lung-like-a-pillow, kind of pregnant.

It's one of those situations where if it isn't someone you don't like, you just HAVE to pity them. It would be inhumane not to because these females look like they are going through some hard times.

Becky, Shaqweeta, and myself simultaneously chanted "I love my period. I love my period. I love my period." right before I was called back to the duck lips.

"Ms. B____?" the nurse called.

Dammit. I was so lost in the sauce of pregnancy paranoia I forgot what I was really there for.

So I get up, get weighed, and go to the room. During the interrogation, the nurse asked me about a mamogram.

"Are you serious?" I asked. "Don't you have to have breasts to do that?"

She chuckled but I was serious. I honestly didn't think I would ever have to get one. So now I'm thinking about mammograms.

She leaves, I prep and I'm all ready for the doctor.

She comes in smiling and asks how I am.

"Fine, thanks. I have to get a mammogram?"

"No." She had this puzzled look on her face, so I continued.

"Okay, so tell me this. When the time comes and I absolutely have to, how are they going to do it?"

She looked puzzled again.

"There's close to nothing there. How are they going to put it between the plates to examine?"

"Oh they will manage. They have done it years before you."

So she's using the cold duck lips and I'm apparently...well, no...I WAS uncomfortable because she informed me that I wasn't doing what she asked me to.

Then she said, "You should try to relax a bit . We are capable of much more. We push out human heads. "

Now why did she go and say THAT??? I was done. I was so ready to be out. Not only was I paying money to be violated with cotton swabs and cold duck lips, but I had to insulted and threatened with childbirth too??? No sir!

I hate annuals.

Absolutely DETEST them.

You know they have warm duck lips....They either have plastic or they heat the metal cold duck lips. I just thought I'd add my two cents. You know...just to make you feel wonderful about your experience. LOL! J/K (but not about the heated/plastic ducklips). I hate annuals too. In fact, I am up for one and I haven't gone just yet. Finally, as president of the itty bitty titti committee, I am very proud to say that they have made vast improvements to accomodate us in the mammogram department.
I guess that's the LA version cuz I have yet to experience warm duck lips. And thank you for the confirmation of the IBTC. All breasts are not created equal;o)
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