Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Muscle Man

I think I caught a potential stalker y'all.

I say "potential" cuz I have a lot of Court TV training under my belt.
(I'm a recovering junkie. I'm okay with admitting it.)

I met him on Friday and our brief exchange was enough to pass my "Give Him a Chance" test: he wasn't hard to look at and he didn't do/say anything that offended me. In my law of rationale, that's good enough for a first date. So I gave him my number. Besides, I've come to realize that people will always cancel themselves out anyway. No energy lost on my end at all.


I got my first call from him around 8:30 this morning. This is before I become human, BEFORE I can see straight (I hadn't acquired my 4th bruise yet), and BEFORE my English is comprehensible. I don't know what all was said but I remember intending to call him back on my drive in to work. A few WTFs later, I decided to not demonize him because "some people are just early risers".


So I call him back. Come to find out, he was leaving the gym around the time he called me. We chat. For some reason, I'm straining my brain trying to remember what this guy really looks like because his b*tch a** voice didn't match the muscular 6-footer I thought I talked to.

So we're talking and in a typical getting-to-know-you type manner he asks "So what do you like to do for fun?" It's a necessary question, I guess, but for some reason it's always irked the crap outta me. I answer. Then (of course) in typical getting-to-know-you fashion, I ask him the same question. To which he replied, "Oh I like to work out and go to movies."

((Whoaaa...pump brakes homie!))

"Really?" I say. "You like to work out? How often do you go to the gym?"

"Oh about 6 days a week."

Oh HELL naw! I don't dig beefcakes. Dude is doing nothing but lifting weights in front of a mirror 6 days a week like it's that hotness. I could understand if there was a PURPOSE to his gym membership, like health or maybe intramural sports, but no. Homie is straight up doing it for vainglory. No athleticism required whatsoever. Major turnoff.

He might as well be from Alabama.

Oh and check this out. Where is he from? Cali-forn-i-a!

Once revealed I quickly follow up with "What part?"


"Oh okay." Luckily, I'm still holding out for an Oakland experience so I rolled with it.

Well our 15-minute chat ends with potential plans for the weekend, and now I'm about an hour and a half into my morning workload when my cell rings. It's Muscle Man. "Why is he calling me? Did he forget to ask something?" I didn't pickup to preserve my momentum.

Out of sheer curiosity 20 minutes later, I check the voicemail. "Hey, it's me. I just wanted to see if you got into work okay." Now I know the gesture was meant to be sweet and kind, but I didn't hang up saying "Awwww!". What I remember thinking was "This is NOT allowed to become a habit." But I shook it off cuz I get what his intention was.

30 minutes later, a text message from Muscle Man: {Busy?}

"Is he serious???", I said out loud. {Yes. Very.} I replied.

So after a couple more text exchanges, Muscle Man goes away and I regain my focus.

Please tell me why Muscle Man text me AGAIN on my lunch break around 3pm?????
M.M. {Busy?}
Me {At lunch}
M.M. {How's lunch?}
Me {Tasty}
M.M. {You're silly but it's cute}
Me {Only when I'm not hungry. Then I become Queen B.}
M.M. {That's hot!}
Me {So is Hell.}

I was trying to be subtle and he wasn't catching on.
So I stopped responding.

Tell me what happens around 8:30 p.m.? That's right! You guessed it! A call from Muscle Man!

"I'm still at work." I say flatly after I answer, which was true. "I'll have to call you later."

"Okay." He says.

And for the grand finale...

guess what happens around 9:15 pm?


Yet ANOTHER text from Muscle Man!


Dude, you have no f*kk'n idea...

First of all, you need to politely end this "relationship" you have developed w/ MM. What he is doing is ridiculous. It indicates that he is needy, dependent, bored as hell, and that he has no appreciable life of his own. What does this man do for a living besides working out? OMG!!!! I cannot believe it. Please don't respond to anymore texts. If you need any back-up or assistance on this one, give me a ring!
You know what? Ironically, I haven't heard from him all day! Don't worry chica...I'll put you on speed dial if I smell him coming;o) He says he works in mortgages. I didn't go that far into it (cuz I didn't really care) but that's what he said!
Ok. Sometimes people in mortgage brokeraging don't have to work all that much. I know a guy in that line of work who works only a couple days out of the week and he makes six figures...so that could explain a lot.
Either way, it is ridiculous that he is nuts like that. I wouldn't be able to take it. Its like when you water a plant too much...it always dies...He is watering you too much girl.
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