Wednesday, November 25, 2009
A Dash of Creativity...Please?
I used to think I was a very creative person (dammit).
But in the past three years? Nada. To be honest, I didn't even notice until recently. It isn't like my interests have changed all that much. I guess as I've aged/matured/hardened over time, I've deemed those happy places as useless and banished them to Never Never (Again) Land. I've conformed to the unwritten rules and formulas I've sought out in the pursuit of my happiness.
I've become obsessed with the bottom line. The blacks and whites. Hell, even my wardrobe is blah. My hair is blah. I used to be so easily entertained! To a certain degree that part of my personality has remained, however, I've worked really hard over the years to water myself down to a socially blend-able mush and it hasn't made me any more satisfied or accomplished. I thought sacrifice was the name of the game? Isn't that shit supposed to pay off at some point?
When do I get to collect?
I love laughing. Haven't done much of that lately either. I'm not sad or anything like that, I'm just...bored? Everything seems to exist on some sort of continuum and I'm just waiting for things to get interesting again.
I hate limits.
I hate restrictions.
And while in truth I'm only one perspective away from eradicating them, I hate sensing limits and restrictions. Especially when they don't lead to any type of reward or benefit. I hate feeling like I'm not making the best use of my time. I don't like it when what I'm doing now doesn't seem to forward something desirable later.
(Wow... do you see?? See what I mean? THAT right there is exactly what I'm talking about! Since when does everything need a purpose or an objective? I used to be really good at doing stuff for no reason! Queen of the Arbitrary and Trivial, indeed. Since when did everything become so f'ing IMPORTANT and DIRE!?)
I'm already thinking about 2010 and how I wish I could fast-forward to my next birthday, so I can meet the person I'll be then. I hope she's cool. I kind of want to just be 30 already because in my mind 30 is when the best of me begins. That's when I'm quietly hoping Life gets fun again.
Of course, I could start this tomorrow.
Being creative, that is.
I really do miss that part of me.
I need to dance. I haven't danced for no reason in a long time. Its kind of hard to dance carelessly when you're on a mission. That's it! That's what I'm going to do this weekend or next weekend! I'm going to go out and just dance and laugh like my Life depended on it.
Who knows?
In a way, it probably does.
